10 fighting no-nos to avoid

In the blush of early romance couples have no reason to address the issue of conflict. Early thoughts are filled with ‘Oh, me too!’ Assessing what you have in common is what escalates the relationship. However it is also a time for denial or suppressing negative thoughts that might dampen the headiness of new love. Then when the relationship feels ‘safe’ enough, the floodgates can open. Here's how to deal with conflict, so that when the exchange is over, no damage has been done:

1. Don’t fight under the influence of mind-altering substances

The alteration that commonly happens is suppression or exaggeration of emotions, which can instigate under or overreaction to what another is saying. Write down what you want to accomplish and pick it up when sober.

2. Don't challenge the other person's ability to express their feelings

Men often feel defeated before they begin. Women (and barristers) tend to have better articulation skills. Don’t challenge another’s inability for self-expression and use it as an escalation of the issue. Better the beleaguered says, “I’m at a loss for words, let me collect myself and get back to you later.”

3. Don’t bring in other people/family members who agree that the other is wrong

If you go down that path, the focus of the issue can change to the listener feeling assaulted by outside people and becoming defensive about them rather than concentrating on the point you want to make.

4. Don't fight when either of you is feeling overwhelmed

Most people find confrontation upsetting and stressful. When either becomes overwhelmed, it behoves both parties to agree to have a breather for the purpose of re-focusing. Use an agreed upon word, like “pineapple”. It acknowledges that you know it isn’t over but that you’ve run out of vocabulary or the ability to explain yourself.

5. Leave out comparisons to other people’s partners as examples of perfection

This is degrading and non-productive to the recipient and can ruin their friendship with the person being compared.

6. Never bring in judgements based on previous partners

Leave exes out of the equation! This is useless information and serves only to put your partner down in a defenceless way.

7. Don't bring resentment into the argument

Resentment: I’m angry at something you’ve done but I won’t tell you what that is and every time you do it, it puts another nail in your coffin. This is unfair. Don’t do this. If you’re angry, tell your partner what it’s about so they have a reasonable chance of righting the wrong.

8. Don’t butt in or finish the other’s sentences

It makes them feel inadequate, self-conscious and inhibited. It lessens your chances of getting to the truth.

9. Don’t make it personal

Don’t attack something the other can’t help or change, like physical attributes, history, or intelligence. All communication either opens or closes the space between you and others. Ask yourself which direction your comments are taking you.

10. Don't beat around the bush

Most conflict communication fails due to this one simple factor. Whether you’re trying to avoid hurting the other’s feelings thus, dressing it up to be ‘softer’ or you’re feeling defensive for criticising or fearing the rebuttal, the main issue can get lost or confused in unnecessary words.

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