When a relationship starts to become unhappy, unfulfilling and unhealthy, there are some obvious red flags that most people can’t ignore. Things like increased conflict, lack of time spent together, a drop off in frequency, intensity and quality of sex and affection and elevations of anger, resentment, and distance, to name a few. These obvious signs signal the relationship is in trouble and needs focus, nurturing and healing. But there are other not so obvious signs that your relationship is headed in the wrong direction that you may miss as red flags, until the problems become so large that then they are finally too big to miss. It’s far better to be on the lookout for the smaller, earlier indications that your relationship priorities need re-balancing so your relationship doesn’t have to hit critical level before you get yourselves on a happier, healthier track.

1. You go to bed at different times as the norm

Of course if you only do this sometimes, it doesn’t mean anything serious, but if you are ships in the night, and you feel like you rarely see each other in a more intimate way, it can start to feel like housemates with benefits (or not), rather than partners. Sharing a bed, and going to bed together maintains intimacy. Many couples spend this time talking and touching, or reading or watching television or mobile devices, but still just feeling close. If you begin to find your norm is to each do your own thing, even at night, night after night, then it’s easier to grow apart.

2. You've stopped surprising each other

In the beginning of your relationship, the natural process of getting to know one another allows for excitement and delight as you find out your commonalities and differences. When you romanced each other, even on scheduled dates, often one of you would surprise the other with a deed, gesture or even simple gift.

If your relationship loses that ability to surprise one another, romantically and in daily life, then your relationship can become predictable, routine and the lack of excitement can lead one or both of you to seek excitement elsewhere – either with another person, or even through activities that no longer include the other person. That’s equivalent to half a step towards or out of the door.

3. Laughter has become rare

Happy couples are joyful together. They find each other amusing, and they love to laugh together. They enjoy life, despite the stresses they each experience or difficulties they experience. Happy couples want to lighten the load of their partner, and strive to always enjoy life together. If you’ve stopped laughing together you could be in danger of stopping liking or loving each other.

4. Little gestures of affection have disappeared

Often relationships get to a point when little gestures of affection disappear. Kissing passionately can even become almost extinct too. Couples maintain a regular sex life, but the smaller touches and indications of romantic connection die out. This is a red flag and not the norm in long term happy couples. If you feel the passion is waning to a point where one or both of you feel disconnected, then it’s time to pay attention to that vital area of your relationship before it feels “normal” to have a sex life that involves no other touching outside of foreplay.

5. There’s no more raving about each other

When you’re first with someone, it’s easy to gush, brag and simply rave about all your partner’s fabulous and wonderful qualities. It’s even better for the relationship if you do this within earshot of your partner because then they feel appreciated, adored and respected by you, and especially so publicly, whether it’s to friends, family, colleagues or anyone who will listen!

If you and your partner stop this raving, to one another and about one another, it can be a red flag that you’re getting to a point of perhaps taking the other person for granted. This is a prime time for you or your partner to begin feeling underappreciated or valued. If you notice the complaints far outweigh the compliments, both to one another and to others outside your relationship, be alert that the trend can grow worse. Reverse it and go back to raving about one another so you don’t become ‘one of those’ cynical negative couples who don’t feel in love at all.