The worst thing that can happen to any relationship is suspicion. It breeds insecurity, lies, cheating, anger, betrayal, hurt and impending doom.
“The thing about having a suspicious girlfriend is she will not stop surmising things about you,” says a friend. “If she ever saw me talking to a girl, she would think I was sleeping with her, or that I intended to do that,” he adds, recounting his own experiences. “It reached a point where if I told her I was busy, she’d never stop calling and texting me and so, I had to start lying, which I hated. But I had no other choice.”
A lot of times, the suspicion stems from the fact that a relationship between two people is very different in the beginning, compared to once the honeymoon stages are over. Towards the start of any relationship, you have to work doubly hard at understanding the other person and being extra attentive towards their needs and desires. Once the two of you have established an equation, you begin to focus on the other areas of your life. It doesn’t mean you’ve lost interest in the person; it just means that now that they’re a part of your life, you can go on living your life, alongside them. This is something that doesn’t always sit well later on because women have trouble understanding your change of attitude. She starts internalizing everything you say, or do. And while most times it really is all in her head, it helps if you try to ward off the suspicion and reaffirm her worth and importance in your life. It may not work every single time, but, if you thought this person was worth being in a relationship with, it’s worth the time trying.
The thing with you devoting all of your attention to her during the first 3 to 6 months of the relationship leaves no room for the romance. She’s already expecting you to be this attentive and mushy throughout the relationship. You’re setting the bar too high and you’re not even going to follow through. So, when you stop with the flowers everyday and the compliments every minute, it’s going to hit her worse than ever. You can’t really blame her for wondering, then.
Dedicate an hour or two, everyday just to spend quality time with her. It doesn’t have to be a lavish date everyday; it could be as simple as hanging out at your place together, watching the latest sitcom on Netflix, or just listening and venting about each other’s days. If you live separately, you can always talk over the phone, WhatsApp, or face-time. The idea is to actually make an effort not just because you have to; but, also because you want to.
The best way to tell whether or not you’re with the right person is to notice how they behave around and with you when you’re in a group. Notice if she gets too clingy around your friends, or if she turns completely aloof—both are signs of insecurity. Involve her in conversations with friends; especially your female friends—they are where her suspicions lie. Let her feel like she is a part of your life and social circle; let her get to know your friends, the people you spend most of your time with and why they are important to you. The more she understands, the lesser her chances of suspecting.
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I know, it sounds lame and totally not required. But, it’s actually really required. It’s necessary for the simple reason that she knows you have lady friends who are already seeing someone else and you get to be romantic with her around others; show them how much you adore your girlfriend and so on. It’s very minute and often skipped, but is every bit as important as an intimate date.
It’s difficult to do so every single time. But, this is something you’re going to have to work on, especially when you know she has a habit of suspecting your every move. The next time she tries asking you where you’ve been, or what you’re doing, throw in something like how you like the fact that she cares so much about you. In fact, you should ask her the same; give her the idea that you’re just as interested in her life as she is in yours.
The best way to put the water under the bridge is to get on that bridge. I don’t mean hound her the minute she asks you a question. Questioning you once or twice is human. Most girlfriends do that. I’m talking about when the questions get persistent and pervasive. How you do this is of the utmost importance. You don’t want to make her feel like she’s being accused of something. You care about her and you want her to know that she’s all that matters. Communication has always been the key to solving every relationship problem.
This is the last straw. You’ve tried everything—balancing your act, spending quality time with her, appreciating her, including her in your life and among your friends and you’ve talked it over. Nothing works. She’s persistent and will not let it go. At this point there really isn’t much you can do. Staying in an insecure relationship turns toxic easily and you’re only hurting each other at this point. She clearly has to work on her own insecurities and address why she feels that way. You clearly cannot live your life constantly justifying your every action. And you can’t love someone who doesn’t trust you enough to set you free. It’s time to cut the cord.
Whatever you do, try steering clear of the lies, the sugarcoating and the avoidance of confrontation. That is the worst thing you can do to her and yourself.