1. The other guy we rejected at the interview, yeah, the free SHS guy, took you to court. You won, ok, barely, phew! But while even he, whom you whipped and licked twice over, both at the interview and in court, is quietly licking his wounds in colder climes, his pesky Aplanke is going around comparing your performance with guinea fowls and octopuses. The impudence, the arrogance, the temerity, the effrontery... Me brôfo asa, mpo...

2. You whine small that this has been the toughest first year in the life of any Lord, and some ask "has it been only one year?" When you urge patience because you are "still in 1st gear," some snigger "he finally (only just) located the gear?", others chirp "have we been in motion at all?", others answer the chirping others "yes, slowly in reverse, duh", and other others shout "Huh, we are still in the Yutong Bus??!"

3. A female Assistant you hired is heard on tape listing the qualifications for successful hiring by you, to include good looks, the size of one's hips, et many unmentioned ceteras ejusdem generis; boasting that her hiring was "SSSS", aka Solid, Safe, Sound and Secured "way back!" After she boldly declares herself and others you have hired as "unintelligent", adding matter-of-factedly, "that's a fact!", you fire her and ask the authorities to investigate her bank accounts. "Craaaaaaazy!!" (To be pronounced in your best 'Victorian' voice.)

4. You increase your salary by at least 300%, and then reduce it by 10% to be used to look after nursing mothers. Meanwhile the value of all your allowances, per diems, and perks remain the same, way above your salary. You reduce the cost of electricity and then increase VAT 5 days later. You impose a tax on condoms and withdraw it after a couple of months. Wahala is what? No wonder you had to chicken out of a trip to curry favour with them that favour curry: INDIA!

5. While the chiefs of your village gravely counsel you to deal with corruption, the chiefs of your 'World Bank' apologise for giving you only 80k votes the last time around and promise you an additional 20k more votes at the next election. Who cares about village chiefs when we have 'World Bank' chiefs?

6. You hire 667 hangers on, bootlickers, praise singers, hard-toothed babies, and "unintelligent" breeze shooters to work in your big house. Then you hire a 668th to count your cars! Soscketts...

7. You arrange to send pastors to Jerusalem to pray at the Wailing Wall. When that fails, you hire 3 'wisemen' to chase stars to Bethlehem, singing the Christmassy "We three kings..." But one of the 'wisemen' ain't doing no singing or chasing. He accuses you of hiring only your "BFFFs", Best Family and Friends Forever. Your response? "You wait for the next 3 years. I will show you my back, bia!!." Amazingly that scares him into silence. Wo ye bue!

8. You write a beautiful autobiography saying plenty nice things about yourself, but the only thing the people can remember is that small sentence when you admitted to being indecisive sometimes. Now they call you "His Royal Indecisiveness." Onipa yé bad!

9. You give a beautiful speech, directing, commanding, ordering, instructing, compelling... And the people only shrug and call you "Director-General," "Commander-In-Chief," etc. Talk about being ungrateful!

10. A few naughty people have been overheard, whispering that maybe we should have hired your wife in your stead since, at least, she has been associated with 'LORDship' from birth...

And with that I wish myself well. Afe da sesei na things are working better