By Manasseh Azure Awuni

Dear Serwaa,

I am writing to tell you something very simple today: all men are not the same. Serwaa, all men are not the same. We may be as identical as Japanese or North Korean identical twins but there are still differences. Don’t lump us together and tar us with the same brush.

This has become your slogan any time we pick a quarrel. When I last asked what you mean by that statement, you said all men are greedy. “No matter how a man is, whether a Christian or not, they have some level of greed in them.”

When I asked you to operationally define the greed, you said men are greedy in every aspect of their lives: fidelity, finances, non-commitment in relationships among others.

Serwaa, I am not here to defend men. In fact, I will be dishonest to do that. Many men these days are not supposed to have women they call wives. They go about good looking and well-dressed but what is in their head is rotten. I recently found myself somewhere and at a table next to mine sat half a dozen married men. Guess what the subject of their discussion was.

They were talking about their extra-marital affairs and how their wives nearly caught them but for their ability to concoct compelling stories. They spoke happily and with so much pride that one would think they were celebrating their achievements.

Indeed, some men are good at playing dirty games and telling lies. There is a story of a married lawyer who had an affair with woman in a car after work. For strange reasons, the lady left her pant in the car. The lawyer did not notice it until the following morning when his wife was putting her bag on the back seat and saw it.

She took the pant, tore it up angrily and hit her husband's face with it: “Kojo, you must tell me who owns this or prepare for your burial?”

“Do you know what you have just done?” the lawyer screamed with justifiable anger. “You have destroyed the most important evidence of a million dollar rape-case.”

Serwaa, I know some women also go to some of these extents but I think men are worse because some don’t see anything wrong with it.

“A man will always be a man,” they would say. “Man has to be adventurous.”

Anytime I hear such conversations, I feel ashamed for them. I once gathered courage and told a group of married men discussing a similar topic that was shameful. Can you imagine their response? “Wait until you get there,” they said. They feel it’s normal, but often forget about the repercussions.

When you mentioned greed as a common characteristic of all men, one thing that came to mind was what Pastor Mensa-Otabil warned in one of his spell-binding sermons on YouTube titled Things that Destroy Us (Greed).

“And let me tell you especially, men. Those of you who get into position of power and think that you must use it to accumulate girlfriends, you will lose grip over your work and one of these you will end up disgracing yourself publicly,” he said.

“These women, see what they did to Solomon? They made Solomon move away from God. They turned his heart. The girls will turn your heart. You will be a thief very soon.

“O yeah. You have to service all of them. And girlfriends are more expensive than your wife. A wife is very stable. She has nowhere to take the money. Girlfriends have short-term agenda. They want to make the most within the shortest possible time.” 

Serwaa, infidelity is not the only problem with men. Some are brute, abusive and as you said, see no reason to commit themselves in a relationship or marriage.

But they don’t represent all men. When I asked you about the percentage of Ghanaian men you had dated or seen portraying these attributes you referred to in your “all men are the same” generalization, you admitted it was insignificant.

This means you don’t know every man. There are good men. There are genuine men out there who would not cheat on their girlfriends, let alone their wives. There are men who are committed in every aspect of a relationship as if they were in a marriage. There are men who want to treat their women with the respect and dignity womanhood deserves. Sometimes, the problem is that their women don’t give them that opportunity.

Do you know the problem with some of you women? You take such guys for granted. You run after players. You want guys with so-called swag. You have a desperate need to compete for a man. And that’s the reason I say most women do not know what they want. Sometimes they get exactly what they want, mess up, lose it before they realize they ever had it.

I read about this interesting story; a Husbands Shop, where women looking for ideal husbands could buy one. Among the instructions at the entrance was a description of how the store operates: “You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!”

The Husbands Store had six floors and the attributes of the men increased as the shopper ascended.. There was, however, a catch “... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

One day a woman went to the Husbands Store to find a husband and this is what happened.

On the first floor, the sign on the door read: “These men have jobs and love the Lord.”

The second floor sign read: “These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.”

On the third floor sign read: “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.”

"Wow!" the woman exclaimed, but she felt compelled to keep going.

She went to the fourth floor and sign read: “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.”

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaimed, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she went to the fifth floor and sign read: “These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.”

She was so tempted to stay, but she went to the sixth floor and the sign read:

“ You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building.”

Serwaa, if you were a visitor to the husbands store, you might have ended up leaving empty-handed. When we first met, I told you that I wasn’t the best man you could find in this world. There were richer, more handsome, more God-fearing and more romantic men around. In the same way, I said there were women with qualities better than yours.

I also told you that it was impossible to get the best looking, well behaved or the most God-fearing man or woman to marry. The best you can ever get is what you make of whom you settle on. I see you as the best choice I could have made and told you to see me in the same light.

Serwaa, you are not like all other women. You are different. In the same way, I am not like all men. In fact, all men are not the same. They should not be treated the same way. If you have been in different relationships and got the same treatment from different men, sometimes the problem is not with the men. Maybe, you have a particular action that evokes a particular reaction.

All men are not the same. There are the bad men. But there are also good men. I am not the best. But I have not given up trying to get better and make you happier. I cannot promise you I will become an angel. But I can promise you that if you keep on with the notion that all men are the same, you may end up regretting like the over-ambitious shopper at the Husbands Store.

I am not the same as all men. I am different, but as human as I am, I have my weakness. But in all my weakness, I have vowed to conduct myself in a manner that will bring dignity to our relationship and marriage. I have vowed to love, respect and treat you in the same way I would want you to treat me.

I am not like all men. In the same way, you are not like all women. We must realize this and accord each other the needed respect, love, commitment and dignity. On this realization shall we build our marriage, and shall the gates of divorce not prevail against it.

I remain your love,

Manasseh.

The writer, Manasseh Azure Awuni, is a Senior Broadcast Journalist with Joy 99.7 FM. His email address is azureachebe2@yahoo.com.

This column is published every Friday on www.myjoyonline.com