They say some single ladies these days are such that as soon as you ‘touch’ them norrrr, they have a charm that will make you write cheque. For me, writing the cheque is not the problem but whether she would find anything in my account. Just like those days that I was in school, I had always thought that people with ATM cards are rich people. Hehehehehe! Now I have 3 ATM cards.

I dress nicely but in my bank account, puin. Anytime I misplace an ATM card and people caution me to quickly go and block the ATM card otherwise fraudsers will do their thing with my card. I normally start laughing if this caution is sounded by friends because nothing dey the accounts inside. Recently, I saw my own old card being used as a key holder by a washing bay guy. In fact, that is the best use anybody could put my ATM card to. Tweaaa. Thieves want money from a poor man’s account. Kapr3, sempua, daama no dey inside account o.

Ironically, anytime I have money in my account, and I am travelling, I leave my ATM card back home with my trusted wife and tell her to use it ONLY if there is an emergency. Hehehehe! She would create the emergency herself almost immediately. Auntie, how you dey? Hahaha! ‘Chop my money, chop my money….I don’t care.. I don’t care…cos I get am plenty’. Hahaha! I hope you remember this song by P-Square in 2012 or so.

Oh, those Nigerian twins who featured the famous Senegalese-American artiste, Akon and Nigerian singer May D (remix)! I pray sooner than later, these guys will get their brotherly issues sorted out. P-Square, you guys be dope. This song was played at my wedding, and it came to pass….she is chopping my money nyafu nyafu! I used to tell people that ‘as for me, my wife doesn’t worry me over money o’. Recently, I realised it was a mistake I was making, though it is a good mistake.

Fati, my dearest wife, you are the best thing that ever happened to me la. Anytime I send her messages like this, as an academic, she reads meanings into it. What do I mean by ‘dearest’? It means I am comparing – ‘dear’ , ‘dearer’, ‘dearest’! Who am I comparing her with? Nobody o, Madam Gbin-todo. That is my other pet name for her. If you are not Ewe, please ask any Ewe friend the meaning of ‘egbin-todo’ , not ‘to-do’ please. In fact, most men who post very nice things on their whatsapp statuses during the birthdays of their wives don’t really mean it!

Anyway, ‘Useless Column’ wants to know: ‘Did you know that it is easier to be a kind person than to be a good person? Don’t think about it- just try to be both!

Her name is Serwaa. It was getting dark. She was standing by the roadside drenched in the rains. I pulled over, engine on, AC strong. From the drenched body into a ‘freezing’ car? The dilemma. When we first met, she was 25 years old and teaching in my kids’ Montessori school. Wait o, come to think of it, until recently I had always thought that if they say ‘Montessori’, it means a school belonging to the church (Asori). Similarly, it was only ten years ago that I got to know that Kindergarten does not mean a school belonging to the King of Dagati people. If your parents don’t send you to nursery school but carried you straight and dumped you in primary one in a cyto school (government school), weytin concern you with Montessori or Kindergarten? For where? Abeg, please hang up that call let me ask you a more important question.

It’s Fridayyyyyyyyyy! I want to laugh in an abstract manner but my problem now is that as soon as I start laughing, I will be coughing. I will laugh anyway but I have to be decorous because I ate gari and beans last night with two eggs. I don’t want any ‘expository’ situation to arise ‘therefrom’. What Etuabo gas needs is not me but gas from under the sea. Simple!

So in fact, Serwaa was my kids’ Maths teacher. My kids are triplets – all girls. I named them Gagovi, Gagban and Zingli. I wanted Serwaa to make them masters of mathematics since I was not a fan of Maths in my school days especially during ‘mental’. One time 4 divided by tuin and failure to answer in a few seconds attracts the canes: kpia kpia kpia, regardless of how well I prepared for the ‘mental’ the previous night. It got to that point where I stopped preparing. I would still go to school anyway and when it gets to my turn and they ask the confusing unnecessarily long maths question, I just stretch my hands to receive the beatings. After all, whether I prepare or not, I was going to get the answers wrong anyway. Life is simple. Receive the canes and go, Gbevu.

So one early morning when I was in a very good mood because I got a salary alert, and after my children had left for school four hours earlier, Serwaa called me. She asked that I should come to the school immediately and that I should abandon whatever I was doing at that moment. Her call came at a time I was in the washroom ‘wee-weeing’. In the disturbed manner, my boxer shorts got flooded with the remnants of the by-products of the minor operation! Sometimes we think that thing is long enough to reach the destination but we often get it wrong especially if we don’t sit on the wc.

 You know that horrible feeling when you are asked to come to your children’s school without a reason being given for that. Especially if they give it urgency ‘immediately’. So many things will be running through your mind. You drive at a suicidal rate and in case you are not driving, you take dropping to catch up quickly.

So I drove and got to the school. It was during their break time. I saw all other kids playing but I was yet to see any of mine. Well, let me see their teacher first. You know, it can be tormenting at this stage. Glory be to God I saw Gagovi, the first of my triplets. She ran to embrace me and very cheerful. Where are your sisters? I quickly and impatiently enquired from Gagban. You know I have only girl children; the reason some of my neighbours call me ‘Baba born girls’. This excites me because God gave me only girls for my own peace of mind but as to whether that peace of mind is practicable or not, all I can say is: Jesus is Lord!  

Gagovi held my hand and started crying and I asked her why she was crying and she said she wants chocolate. She was escorting me to their teacher. If it is only about chocolate, then it is not what I was thinking. I was a bit relieved. Then I saw Serwaa the teacher reprimanding the third Zingli. I told myself if it was because of discipline that Serwaa called, then she should go ahead because I am a staunch advocate against the ban on corporal punishment. I don’t know why they even call it corporal when teachers are not soldiers.

Zingli ran towards me with Gagovi still crying. So why did you invite me? I hurriedly asked teacher Serwaa. She replied that my daughter, Gagovi insulted a classmate that his mother is a woman. Really? The reason she had to be flogged? Teacher said yes, because her classmate’s father was a soldier and she didn’t know what he would come and do to the whole school should the message get to his father. End of Serwaa. What were you expecting?

You are welcome to the ‘Useless Column’ again where the author was a virgin till after his first degree. The first time I tasted the ‘thing’, it was during my national service and it was so sweet sweet sweet and I began having regrets for denying myself all the sweetness earlier in life because, the opportunities abounded for me to go reckless but I was careful not because of poverty alone o but because of what I wanted in life – to break that jinx of poverty.

Shhh! Please don’t tell anybody this o. When I was dating my wife, all the letters I wrote to her, she marked them with red pen and sent them back to me. By all means, marry a teacher and it shall be well with your ‘useless’ grammar – you may just be the next author of another ‘Useless Column’. Bye byeeee!