A woman recently could remember in detail how her husband hurt her 10 years back. When she was asked to repeat her problem, she did it in exact chronological order, like a computer print out. She was killing herself softly. Women and conflicts A woman has more brain cells than a man. She remembers and sees things in greater detail. It is more difficult to synthesis hurts so they keep coming back to her. The only way to get over it is to talk about it. Men on the other hand can easily file away problems. They also separate relationships from other areas of their life. Women see relationships as part of them and may- fall with it. Why conflicts in relationships? All relationships have their moments of hurt, pain, and disappointments. Sometimes, it is our lovers we love most who hurt us most. It is impossible to be in a relationship without conflict. We are all unique with difficult needs, values aspirations and temperaments. Sometimes as individuals, we fight within us. When we get into relationships, the degree of disorder increases as we move from unique identity to partnership identity. It IS also known that nature seeks a balance. We seem to admire those who have behaviours we lack. For example, a quiet woman loves a talkative. This is a cause for conflict. We can also add that sometimes situations outside our relationship can put our love at risk. These include work, friends, and in-laws. Significance of conflict Conflicts are natural but change agents. Conflicts well handled build relationships. It helps partners understand each other and appreciate other views. On the other hand, conflicts poorly handled put our relationships at risk. Sometimes, small issues handled poorly can grow and destroy our relationships. How to forgive Conflicts are part of life and part of all relationships. If you ever wanted to stay in a relationship you must expect conflicts and be willing to forgive your partner. • Remind yourself of your self-worth. Admit you are hurt but deal with your emotions positively. • Be humble to accept that you are also human. Sometimes you are the offender. You are capable of doing whatever your partner has done to you. If you haven't done it, it is not by your strength but by God's grace. Pray for your partner so that God gives him the same grace. It is impossible to pray for your partner, and still hold on to hurts, anger and bitterness. As you pray, God heals you and heals your love. You can never prevent your lover from hurting you but you can choose to forgive. Importance of forgiveness If your lover offends you, he takes energy from you and robs you from your self-worth. The only way to regain your dignity is to forgive him. You don't need apology to forgive. Do it unconditionally. It is also known that hurts, anger, self hatred, anxiety and bitterness stimulate the brains to produce toxins which predispose us to mental, physical and spiritual harm. The only way to heal yourself is to forgive. If you refuse to forgive, you act like someone who keeps taking in toxins but expect somebody else to die from the toxins. In Akan we say "obi nuom aduro ma yarefo" ( nobody takes medicine on behalf of another). You take in toxin by your anger. You take it out by forgiving. The only person who benefits by your forgiveness is you; but not the one who offends you. Unforgiveness, prevents you from giving or receiving anything from God. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Your maker commands you to forgive. If He kept a record of your sins could you stand before Him? He made you in His own image of true love so show true love by letting go anger, bitterness, frustration and hostility. These can't grow in the same heart of joy; kindness, patience and self-control. Let the amazing blessing in forgiveness overflow you. Forgive once, twice and even 77x7. If you think you can, you are right. Keep forgiving and keep reaping abundant blessings. Source: John Boakye/The Mirror