You don't need to be perfect to have a relationship, but you do need to steer clear of these.
Getting back into dating is certainly a daunting task, isn’t it?
I do want to make one point very clear: you do not need to be perfect to have a relationship. There’s no such thing a perfect person. You want to be balanced, happy, and emotionally healthy.
Do you dream of having a great relationship?
Guess what? There are patterns of behaviour that actually prevent women from finding and keeping potential partners. Patterns you don’t want to have, do you?
Here’s how to check yourself.
The seven patterns of self-sabotaging behaviour that will prevent a relationship are Everything Else, Celebrity Chaser, Reserve Relationship, Pretty Perfectionist, Freedom Finder, Distressed Damsel, and Scared Single.
Do you fall into any of these patterns? If so, put a check mark next to them.
No one else is watching — be honest!
1. Everything Else
Everything Else isn’t necessarily a negative pattern. However, it is the motivation behind this pattern could be a problem.
There are times in our lives when we are just too busy to add anything or anyone more. We don’t have time. If this is the case and a relationship has become a top priority then it is time to work on time management or wait a while longer until our schedule has cleared.
However, I have found that Everything Else can be an excuse that is used to prevent seeking a relationship. Fear of trying is often the reason. This fear can stem from rejection or perfectionism of self.
Signs of "Everything Else" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You want a relationship but do not make time for one.
- You say "next month" you’ll find a relationship. Next month never comes.
- You keep adding stuff to your to-do list. No end to the things that to be need done.
- You won’t say “No” to anyone and hide behind other people and responsibilities to them.
- You’ll try after you lose 5 more pounds, grow your nails out, or other small self-improvements.
The best way to work with Everything Else is to break it down into baby steps. Do not overwhelm yourself but enter the dating world slowly but steadily. Work on self-love and remember that you are looking for one special person, not the entire population.
2. Celebrity Chaser
The Celebrity Chaser is concerned with other people’s status and/or money. This pattern wants a partner that is of a very high level and will only date someone that meets their extremely high standards.
This pattern tends to focus on people that have a spotlight on them, like a leadership role in an organization, a pastor, a celebrity, a sports star, etc. The Celebrity Chaser usually doesn’t date much and uses the excuse that they have high standards. This pattern is dealing with a fear of security and so they look to a partner to provide that security.
Signs of "Celebrity Chaser" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You require a partner to demonstrate financial security before you will date them.
- You maintain yourself to extreme standard. How you look counts.
- You idolize this person and look for signs that they are into you.
- You don’t care if a person is in a relationship as long as they met your standards.
- Other people must find them desirable.
The best way to work with Celebrity Chaser is to work on your own security. If you have a life that makes you feel secure, your partner’s assets will not be your priority. This will open up a world of potential partners.
I hear the protests already: "well they better have something!" Don’t worry, like attracts like. Go work on your assets!
3. Reserve Relationship
The Reserve Relationship pattern is already in some kind of a relationship with someone. Meaning they run the full spectrum of relationship levels. They might be in a fully committed relationship to break up but still very much in love with their last partner.
This pattern has a deep fear of being alone and is always collecting or holding on to other people.
Signs of "Reserve Relationship" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You are in a relationship.
- You are still having sex, seeing, talking, and or texting your previous partner.
- You keep a person around that you aren’t interested in as a backup.
- You can’t stand to be alone. Ever!
- You always feel insecure in your relationships.
Strangely enough, the best way to work with this pattern is by being alone for a while. End all the romantic relationships that you have stacked up and simply be alone.
If you can’t cut the cords completely, tell everyone that you are taking some time out for yourself for the next 3 to 6 months. Then be alone. Face that fear. Find friends, family, or a coach to help support you.
4. Pretty Perfectionist
Pretty Perfectionist is a pattern of behaviour that judges solely on how a partner looks. This pattern looks for instant chemistry and will not stick around if there isn’t any. They believe that the heart is unlocked through the eyes and not through the brain. They are looking for partners that are an eight or above.
The problem with this behaviour is that they are prone to short, shallow relationships. This pattern can be driven by a number of fears but the biggest is usually insecurity and not feeling good enough. So they pick people that make them look good and make them feel desirable.
Online dating has perpetuated this pattern because people feel that there is plenty of fish in their pond.
Signs of "Pretty Perfectionist" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You think the first impression is the only impression.
- You won’t date someone if they have a few extra pounds.
- You don’t mind that you have nothing in common with them.
- You love selfies and expect a partner to love taking selfies.
- You won’t go out on dates with an average looking partner.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to a partner. In fact, it’s one of the many requirements for a successful relationship.
However, don’t let it go too far or let it get in the way of finding someone. This can be another case where the high standards excuse is a safety mechanism that prevents women from actually going on dates and finding a real relationship.
The best way to deal with this pattern is to broaden your standards and give “average” a real chance. Remember, we all get old and looks fade away but true love will stay.
5. Freedom Finder
Freedom Finder is newly single and ready to find a relationship — or so they think. This pattern thinks they are totally fine and can move on now even though their last relationship ended yesterday!
This pattern is very common while going through a divorce. They have freedom for the first time in a number years but they don’t really want that freedom. They are still really hurt but don’t want to show/admit it. They are feeling very confused. Life is in chaos. The fear here is that they are undesirable or that life can’t be good again.
Signs of "Freedom Finder" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You are going through a divorce or are separated.
- You hate your ex and think about what a terrible person they are all the time.
- You want your old life back. Wait, no you don’t.
- You have no idea what you want in a partner. Warm body sounds good.
- You can’t stop talking about your ex. You miss them. You hate them.
To overcome this pattern, slow down! Take a deep breath and finish the divorce/separation/break up. Find a divorce recovery group, coach, and/or a support system. Get through this time. Get off the dating sites. Focus on building a new life. Good things will happen again.
6. Distressed Damsel
Distressed Damsel is a pattern of behaviour that always has drama swirling around her. There isn’t a day that goes by that she doesn’t have drama in some form or another.
This pattern also tends to need a lot of help from other people. This pattern has a fear of not being important or appreciated.
Signs of "Distressed Damsel" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- You want other people to fix or solve problems for you.
- You hate drama but always seem to find yourself in it.
- You post everything about your life on social media.
- You do a lot for other people and they never appreciate you for it.
- Others take you for granted.
To overcome this pattern, you must learn to not take yourself for granted. This pattern needs to learn self-love, to not care what others think of them and to provide lots of TLC for themselves. They also need to learn to give freely and to expect nothing in return.
Choosing the right people in their circle will also help eliminate the drama that shows up.
7. Scared Single
Scared Single suffers from a lot of different fears that have combined to create a pattern that doesn’t make forward motion. They don’t make changes because the outcome might not work well.
This pattern is paralyzed with fear and indecision. This pattern is a rule follower and is overly responsible most of the time. However, the biggest issue that this pattern deals with is the lack of trust they feel toward themselves.
Signs of "Scared Single" self-sabotaging behaviour:
- Panic seems to be your best friend.
- The world is a scary place.
- You can be very indecisive.
- You care deeply about what other people think about you.
- You can’t trust anyone.
To overcome this pattern, positive thinking must become a habit. This pattern must be retrained to not always look for the negative and instead find the positive. Fear and guilt must be worked with and released.
This pattern really needs to find a good coach and do a lot of inner work.
So what pattern will lead you to a healthy relationship?
This is where you want to be. You want to enter the dating scene with this mindset and you’ll avoid a lot of pain.
Remember, you aren’t perfect. You have goals that you are working on, things you want to improve, and you are building your life. However, you have the right mindset for dating success.
As a Strong, Single woman you are confident and comfortable with yourself. You love your life and don’t want to let the wrong people in your circle. You are not perfect but you use self-love to care for yourself. The need to people please and gain acceptance by people that haven’t proved themselves worthy is simply not there.
- You have a life that you enjoy and want to keep it running smoothly.
- You know what the red flags are and walk away before you are impacted.
- You don’t allow the insecure dating drama to take over your life. You know that drama that happens. Does he/she like me? Why did they do that? Can I text them first? You watch how they act not how you act.
- You are realistic about the new relationship and give it the time it needs to develop properly. No instant love here.
- You have healed from past heartbreaks and not using the new one as a therapist to get over the old one.
- You are emotionally ready to enter the dating scene.
- You are not still playing with your ex and wishing for them to come back.
- You might be cautious but not afraid.
- You are confident in your own ability to determine if someone is on the up-and-up if they fit well with you, and if the relationship is healthy for you.
- You do not give up working on yourself, your life, or your goals to chase a relationship. Notice the word chase? You don’t chase a partner.
Every woman has the ability to be Strong Single. It’s a mindset that takes work but is totally achievable. Maybe you need to pause the dating scene and work on yourself, maybe you need to get back into the dating scene, or maybe you need to clarify what you really want out of a relationship.
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