From what started as a mere friendship, a young man found himself being attached to his married female friend in ways he never imagined.
It began with him advising her from “a guy’s point of view” and in no time, things spun out of control.
Brian (not his real name) narrated his experience on Joy FM’s Super Morning Show, Friday.
Afia was a friend. From the onset we did not set out to have any emotional attachment or whatsoever.
I met her through a mutual friend and I struck a conversation and it got quite interesting so we hit upon the side and eventually, more or less, stuff happens.”
Yes, I knew she was married. It got to a point where she came across as a damsel in distress and for almost every guy, once a nice lady comes across as such, then we become default heroes. We wear capes and try to step up and make sure they are a bit comfortable.
In that vein, it is the same hero feeling that makes you fall and over time, we’ve moved from the hero feeling to something more romantic, emotional.
She had a problem, she needed help and needed someone to talk to and eventually it moves from someone you want to talk to someone you want to have a cosy level relationship with.
I think the relationship shifted when we started sharing jokes that were not ‘normal’. It moved from the point of you need help, let’s talk about your situation to “If you touch my neck, I’ll feel this way” or don’t do this to me or I’ll feel this. A lot of that came from her, more or less like exposing the weak points and the sill naughty boy in me will say okay. The question is If I do this what will happen and she said, “You don’t want to do it, I dare you.” The next thing you realise is the dares are happening.
It moved from the normal conversation, I need help with this particular issue to if you touch me here, I’ll feel this way so don’t touch it, else if you do, you have to follow up on it and I’d also want to follow up on it so I touch it. A lot of curiosity was piqued and so I picked up from there.
The first time I kissed her, it was a dare; it was quick, sharp, in and out. We were eating and seated very close, I was looking at her face and said I felt like doing it, she said I cannot do it. I said “Why don’t you dare me?” she said “I dare you“and that happened. Nobody said anything, we just smiled and walked but from there I think both of us knew that if we decide to move anything any further, chances are that something like this might happen.
There was a time we were hanging out in my room. I wouldn’t know what she told her husband. As at the time this started, unfortunately, her husband was out of the country. A t that time we started off as she having issues and part of the issues were that she had issues with her husband. She discovered some things about her husband and wanted a guy’s perspective. Sometimes, we hanged out and purely talk about stuff like that.
We hang out in a room and talk, that’s how it got there. We were talking and she said her back hurt and asked if I could give her a massage. I remember she said If you touch here, I will feel this way and I said “I hope you can be able to control yourself” she said, “ I cannot guarantee but I still need the massage” then I go on to give the massage and everything else, as they say, became history.
After that, I felt bad, guilty, it felt like I had broken my virginity again. This was the only married woman I have been with. I am not a serial married woman person. Someone will ask, “ If you felt bad and guilty, why wouldn’t you stop?” Well, that wasn’t the only time it happened, it continued. Inasmuch as it felt some way, it was also fun. It lingered on, continued. It was our little secret, something we had fun with.
I felt protective of her, whenever we’re out in town, I felt there was a need to protect this person. Indeed I loved her and how that was possible, thinking about it now, I don’t know. At that time, I didn’t have a girlfriend, I was completely single. It went on quite well. We were cool and we were friends, we did everything like a normal relationship. We would text late into the night, chat, call but not video calls. It went on for about a year and a half and I was seeing only her. The husband came back after two or three months after we started off.
When he came, it got to a time I started feeling someway about all of this. She actually introduced the two of us. So I knew him but were not friends. I got to a point where I kept asking myself what if I got married and someone did this to me or my girlfriend. All these things kept popping up and kept hitting me hard because doing all the naughty stuff was fun but commonsense kept hitting me. I realised that I started pulling away even before I got into another relationship and she noticed it. She raised it a couple of times and I tried to brush it off a couple of times but eventually, I got into another relationship and cut that one-off.
The funny thing was when he came the issues were still there. The issues heightened because they started off when he was away. When he came back, the feedback I kept getting from her was that because he was around, the issues blur up and they fight about it and I become her comfort space when those things happen. It goes back to hero, cape mode and before you know we are back in that circle again.
To the best of my knowledge, she told me at a point that she wasn’t sleeping with him but I didn’t believe her. There were times he told me that she did. She attempted to tell me everything that went on.
From the beginning, of course, I felt a bit jealous then halfway down the line, I thought “She is not your”. It’s like going to fight with somebody over his mango tree in his house, maybe you should just stay in your line. There is this proverb that, “If a chicken is in your compound, it is yours but if it goes outside it is not.” So now, when she comes around, you can do anything you want but when she is out there you have to respect that space.
I wasn’t going to try or feel anything because she is out there and gone out of my space, once she comes in, she’s mine again but once she goes out there she is someone’s wife.
It ended on a very interesting note. First off, I got a girlfriend and I didn’t tell her right from the onset. She got offended, cried, screamed but I realised that there were other issues in there. Borderline, I got a girlfriend and told myself that I’m not going to carry the weight literally. I was going to cut, myself off. I didn’t get a girlfriend because I wanted this to end, I met somebody and that ended it.
Inasmuch as I feel I may have solutions to someone else’s problems, I may not be the one to solve it. You may have a lot of commonsense and a lot of ideas but some of these things are not in your space and you go playing superhero, you become protective. Once someone presents themselves as a damsel in distress, chances are that you will get into such a relationship with that kind of person. Don’t go doing it at all.
Secondly, know when to stop. Know when to cut off on the jokes even if it means cutting out on your own feelings. Even when it means going home to take a shower to douse the sexual urges, do that. It’s one thing knowing that you’re going after something that is not yours and you can’t tell people that you’re dating this girl unless it’s a bunch of your other silly friends who might be doing the same thing. You can’t claim exclusivity. If her husband says they are moving out of the country, there is nothing you can do.
Just know when to stop and that no matter how much I feel about this person, I’m not going to proceed. It’ll save you, run away from it, flee actually.
I won’t say “never say never” but I think I’ve learnt enough. I may be friends like I said, but I’ll know when to actually run. I don’t think I will want to involve myself again because it’s too much emotional stress. It’s like fighting over someone’s mango on his tree in his house, you can never own it. You may tear a fruit or two to enjoy but you can never own it and you can’t sack people away from the tree too.
At that particular point, it didn’t matter. It was about the now and that she was here let’s live to the maximum and we had really good and romantic times. She is very intelligent and we could talk about a lot of stuff. She was a good dancer and we fooled around too.
I remember that one time when all those burdens started coming, I woke up one dawn and just asked what I was doing. I prayed like crazy, I cried and everything I think I even sent her a voice note of me praying for her, she never responded to that anyway.
I think it’s a lesson and I don’t want to see it beyond that. It’s a lesson and a checkpoint in my life. First off, don’t judge anybody if you’ve not been in their shoes. I’m not a bad boy, whereby I set out to target women to do this, all that comes back to haunt me. I note it that I’m not going to go beyond this again. I
I hear people’ stories and think that I’ve been there but I can’t go on and tell the person that. I think I forgave myself the dawn I prayed. Once in a while, I ask God for forgiveness and tell myself that OI can do better and move on.”