In Akan mythology, there is a reptile that is a hybrid of two animals. This reptile called 'Fantantunafu' has two heads but one stomach. The two heads struggle and fight over food even when the food eventually goes to the same stomach. Each head wants to taste the sweetness of the food. In marriage, like in 'Fantantunafu', two people become one flesh and show oneness. Whatever one has is supposed to be for both in purpose. Unfortunately, in most relationships, partners struggle for themselves over food, sex, money, social status and materialism as we show high levels of selfishness instead of self sacrifice which is essential of a fulfilling relationship. Why are lovers selfish? Every human being struggles with selfishness. We all want what we want, how and when to want it. We are born egocentric with that instinct to help us survive in life by trying to reach self sufficiency. If two people come together in a relationship the urge to think in terms of getting rather than giving is high. Signs of selfishness A selfish lover focuses exclusively on himself and what he gains in the relationship. A selfish woman considers only her own needs and expect that her lover makes her comfortable and happy. She expects to be taken care of like a child without putting much into the relationship. There is a couple who earn comparable salaries. The man complains that he takes care of everything in the house. If he is away and the toothpaste gets finished, the woman will not brush her teeth as long as he is away. He has to come and replace it. Effect of selfishness Conflict has often been the reason behind selfishness. Research shows that divorce rate has tripled in our generation due to selfishness. Selfishness prevents us from loving our lovers as ourselves. We exist for our own happiness and this prevents us from loving our lovers. It is impossible for relationships to grow in selfishness. In Akan we say that if you chew your tongue, you haven't eaten any meat. Selfishness destroys the concept of one flesh in marriage. Reducing selfishness • Be humble to admit selfishness destroys. • Look inside you and be willing to change yourself. Believe in your ability to live beyond selfishness and to be at peace with yourself. • You can't make anyone love you and nobody can make you happy. Also note you can't change your lover. You are, however, responsible for the part that depends on you. Don't create selfishness on circumstances. • Don't seek a balanced sheet. Don't create conditions. Avoid a life centred on constant search for something that may not satisfy. Selfishness may give you life but will certainly kill your relationship. Shift the focus from yourself to your lover. Your lover • Give gifts and give of yourself and substance to put the desires of your lover above you. As you give your maker gives it to you in greater measure pressed down and running over. It is an important step to spiritual maturity. • Keep yourself in love. Love seeks not her own, but edifies another. As we walk in true love our maker takes care of all our needs. It is more blessed to give than receive. My way doesn't pay. It dissipates growth of relationship. We must, therefore, turn our lives from solving self to serving our lovers. Our relationships give us the best opportunity to grow. Partners must put the happiness of the other before theirs. That is real love; the kind that lasts. There is no room for love to struggle over food in a fulfilled relationship Author: John Boakye (email: jydbooakye@yahoo.com) Source: The Mirror