Indeed 2017 went skrrrahh, pap, pap, ka-ka-ka. Skidiki-pap-pap, and a pu-pu-pudrrrr-boom. And before we knew it, Skya, du-du-ku-ku-dun-dun. Poom, poom, you know. Ah well, it is that time of the year again. We started this in 2014 and this is already the 4th instalment; that's like JM's term in office you know! The year has gone by so fast. It is interesting to note that same time last year JM was President. Now Nana Akufo-Addo is President for less than a year but feels like forever eh?
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Kwame Gyan and I bring you the 2017 edition of our friendly advice and to some, warning to the many many Ghanaians who have been saving some euros, pounds and dollars to come blow time in the motherland. Here we go:
1. Please stop ordering us to wait for you at Kotoka International Airport (KIA) a whole two hours before the projected touch down of your flight. You know you have been doing this almost every year or once every two years and we don’t like it. Even if we don’t meet you have you forgotten the way to your homes? Hoh!
2. Please when you get into town, leave your jacket and winter boots in your house until you are dressing up to head back to KIA and away to wherever you are doing your 'any work'. We know the weather back in your abrokyire is cold but don't be a villager to wear fur coats in our 32° weather. Eye nkurasesem paaa. And yes, it is hot here.
3. We know you are making money in obimanso. We also know that you pay plenty tax. And some of you still owe the visa contractor who did your connection for you so your cash level no shada dey up. Don't come and spend all the money you have saved buying champagne in clubs and spreading people like your father is Mugabe or Dangote. If you do the too known and go back, we won't send you kapreba. Yoooo!
4. If you bought something for someone last year and you come and you see him or her still wearing it, you don't need to shout and say "eei you are still wearing these jeans I bought from Next? Efata wo paaa ooo". Please, we know you still have jeans you bought 5 years ago. We know before you left you wore clothes saaa until they were tired of alterations so stop that nonsense. You like that!
5. As we told you last year, we are not villagers like that oo. You can't buy as £2 and $5 shirts and tops and expect us to roll on the floor in excitement. We know it when what you give us is cheap. Oh we will say thank you. But don't expect us to behave as if you just gave us a Saville Row suit or an Armage cologne.
6. Please we know what the exchange rate is. We know. We don’t need the needless reminder. We also know that you know the exchange rate. Stop the too known and come and melt your euros and pounds and dollars in peace. Stop that!
7. Mall Update: Kumasi Mall has come oooo. We also heard the things you heard. Leave Kumasi people alone. I have seen plenty people walk into malls to buy 90 pesewas bottled water and spend the rest of the time taking photos. You also do same when you go to those fancy shops of yours. Let us think.
8. Chinchinga has gained prominence again ooo my people. Right now Chinchinga sellers can blow up fuel stations and the blast will not even affect the stones on the zinc roofing sheets placed over their grill. Massa it is not easy oo. You ask Kojo Yankson of Joy FM. He will tell you the whole story. Oh, the Chinchinga people have not changed by the way: same price, smaller meat, bigger sticks. Don't be too disappointed.
9. Abrokyire boys, borgerfuo, do not come and spoil our girls and spoil the market for the local boys. Don't open their mouths so wide that when you leave they are not content with our fianga pockets. Play with the girls you came with, and let's play with ours. You girls too why do you always allow them to do that to you. I don't gerrit.
10. Has Ghana Police changed? For the where? They should change to what? You had better keep loose 5 cedi notes on you for the “massa we are here oooo”. If you break a traffic rule though, add some zero to the 5. And those of you who think you are home so you want to smoke that smoke, if you get caught you may have to add at least two zeros to the 5.
11. We tell you this all the time: Please don’t ask us with a frown a hundred times about how it is like to live in Ghana and how you could never do that. You asked us last year and the year before. It has gotten old. Abufusem didn’t you live here before? Or your great grandfather gave birth to your grandfather in Liverpool and he gave birth to your father in Liverpool and your father and mother popped you in Manchester?
12. We told you about Uber last time, right? Well, it has grown and become bigger paaa. Our young gers have taken it like World Cup. Please just turn your location on and Uber yourself away. Again, if you do that your Abrokyire-Ghana comparison doesn't be surprised if the Uber driver gives it to you. You can give him one star rating, he would have cleared his chest anyway. Remember we also use smartphones here eh? And yes, Uber is here and once you update your location and you order an Uber, it won't be a car from West Virginia or Birmingham or Frankfurt that will show up wai. Stop that thing you do. Chances are that every small car you see on the road is an Uber. Just look for the phone holder on the dashboard.
13. Yo, we don't need YOU to tell the US what the Christmas music list in Ghana is. So let's tell you who the current biggest artists are or the songs we will eat bronya with: Kuami Eugene (the guy who sang Angela), KIDI (he sang Odo Yewu and one other popular song like that), Ebony - that girl who has no more than a handkerchief-size of material on all her clothes. She also sang I will Date Your Fada, Sponsor and some songs. Of course Shatta Wale, Sarkodie, Stonebwoy are the usual big boys on the list. Wutah has had the common sense to realise that individually they are almost as useless as used toilet paper so they got back together and have an aptly titled sing called Bronya. Oh, there is a guy called Patapaa. He has sung all the songs he will ever sing. It is called One Corner.
14. Ei! I almost forgot. After 21 tries, Captain Planet has a hit song ooo. It is called Obi agye obi girl. He has tried saaaa and mentioned every girl’s name in 20,000 songs but still chale we were not seeing him. But now he has hit the jackpot ooo. But guys, do you agree Captain Planet should have just sung the chorus and not attempted a rap on the track? The rap be some way but the chorus dey bee. Anaa?
15. Yes, Man's Not Hot started from a studio in London. But we got it on WhatsApp and Facebook and Twitter the same time those of you in Antwerp, Baltimore, Alberta and Lagos did. Don't come and yell, "shiiite you guys have this song here too?". It is not as if that song is anything out of the top biaaa too. And oh Michael Dapaah, AKA Big Shaq will be doing shows in Ghana wai.
16. Please we love Mexican and Indian telenovelas paaa. UTV shows at least two of them running throughout the week. Adom TV has been showing an Indian one called Kukum Bagya for almost two years now, and from the look of things, they will be showing it for at least 5 more years. Oh, Abbi and Pragya, the leading characters even came to Ghana to break bread with their fans. The bread cost only ¢600 moom. They even want to invite the main characters here to meet with their fans. It's not easy oo. Warning: Do not try to change the channel in any home, else you risk what you don't want to risk.
17. While you are here, remember that in Ghana, whatever the government says, the opposition must oppose, and they must not necessarily oppose with suggestions. We are not like your people. Even if government says, 'we shall stop galamsey which is spoiling our environment", the opposition will say "the government is insensitive and is denying people of working". That's how we are. We like our democracy like that.
18. Please the boys, if you meet any beautiful girl with nice fantabulous ASSets and she's korkorr please pause and ask yourself this question: is my immediate atupa worth the potential wahala of tomorrow, which may include vivid description of your totoli, the transpo you give, and how well or otherwise you do the do? Giovanni chale how be? KOD all correct? Kojo Yankson where you dey do your 'aboy' for?
19. Every year we tell you this but some of you have made your ears as hard as Francis Doku's forehead so you don't listen. We will keep saying it. Please don’t forget your malaria prophylaxis else your gluteus muscle will have to bear the pain of artemether in a G25 needle without an analgesic; your only consolation will be ” sorry 3y3 wo ya? Kafra.. Kafra.. 3b3 k) wa.
20. Herh if you haven't been told here our Facebook fights are not children ooo. If you like ask Maame Afia Akoto and Sam George or ask the High Commissioner to South Africa. When Ghana Facebook take you on, they take you on. Ask Kwame Gyan (oh that’s me eh) too. Or some guy called KOA and another one called Pope. Please don't try to logically understand some of the fights. You won't understand them if you attempt making sense of some.
21. Oh there is a new group in town called PepperDemMinistries. What do they do? Oh they fight for female and girl child rights by insulting all men and blaming men for everything including why night comes after day and why our feet face forward and not backwards when we walk. Let's just say they are taking the gender, woman rights fights a few notches lower. If you fool with them they way they will insult you and your unborn generation eh! Hmmm. For writing this, consider me fried. They will tell us how useless these series have been through the smile and laugh in their rooms.
22. Please take note that the social media space in Ghana is manned and marshalled by armies and nations whose members and leaders feel they are a nation state and so they don't play child's play. I won't say anything. I have no armies of nations to defend me when they attack so I leave it here.
23. Every year we talk about that your irritating Yankee or British accent that you bring into this town. See, lose that accent before you enter the Ghana airspace. No, in fact, lose it at the immigration of the country you are coming from before you get onto the tarmac. See, we know you ooo. We know you can speak to us pepeeepe so don't come trying to do that rubbish. What! For the last time, once again, before you come here to speak English in a way that will have us asking you "pardon, pardon, pardon". See, Kofi Annan has stayed in New York longer than you but he speaks normal English. In fact, if you start that your nonsense accent, we will insult you.
24. Please, the potholes are still there. You may remember some particular pothole your taxi run into that made you spill a drink in your beautiful looking £5 dress. Well, that pothole is still there. It was filled ooo but somehow it opened again and brought along with it some friends. So please get ready. Oh but Nana Addo will sort out all those issues soon.
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