It’s bronyaaaaaaa! Some of my lady friends have started being very respectful and polite all of a sudden. Even if you deliberately provoke them, they would rather be the first to apologise. Yesterday I deliberately placed an unwashed okro soup bowl on my wife’s pillow and she apologized to me! Ajeeei! If I am a man, I should dare do that again in January!
How I remember 24th December nights those days; whether you like it or not my father would give me small akpeteshie to drink to usher in the 25th December which is my birthday. I often found a stealthy way to get some more of the apio to top up. When my father got drunk and staggered to the right, I would be staggering to the left! Thank God such an initiation into the ‘Kiss the Glass Association of Ghana’ didn’t manifest in me or else by now, so so booze I go dey booze!
I just love the writing skills of Madam ElizbethOhene and would read up to the last word any article she authors. Her articles make me tell the difference between the reality and being real!I love this particular one which was published hours before the press something something: ‘Does Irresponsible Question Deserve Same Answer?’ Based on this, I quickly put my own presidential questions and answers together.
It pained me paa that I didn’t get the chance to ask Mr President my written questions. The questions I would have asked were many but I will summarise them and provide the possible answers I would have expected from him.
I have a hobby, that is forcing a respondent to goof in his response to my question. For instance, if, in interviewing a medical doctor, I ask him or her to confirm whether thermometer is used in measuring temperature and after he has given me the correct answer, I’d keep asking him the same question in different other forms, with chances that his response may turn to: ‘Yes, temperature is used in measuring thermometer’. Thereafter I am likely to end the interview right there with the excitement that after interviewing a whole medical doctor, he couldn’t even give me a simple answer to a basic question mpo and then the headlines – piam! I am always looking for gbaa-ment la ah!
Now, this is what would have happened if I had had the opportunity of asking the President my 9 very important questions:
Question 1. ME: Mr President, I know you know book paaa. My question is anytime I laugh, I cough. Please what should I do? Please don’t tell me to stop laughing, your Excellency, Sir.
Answer to Question 1. MR PRESIDENT: Nice question! You don’t have to stop laughing to prevent you from coughing. First, start by coughing and then when the laughter comes, sneeze and then you cough again louder. Keep laughing till you get sore throat from the ripple effect of coughing. If you don’t laugh, it would go down your hips and make your hips bigger and can dislocate your hips. So keep laughing but make sure you laugh alone ok. Nice one!
Q2. ME: Mr President, I am a citizen and want to ask o, please there is this girl in my office called Ayelevi. She has been touching me before greeting me in the morning and I feel yiiiii anytime she does. What should I do?
A2. MR PRESIDENT: How are you, my citizen? When the girl touches you before greeting you, do the reverse – greet her before touching her so that you would both feel yiiii the more. The beauty of this is that you would both feel the yiiii feeling and when you advance from there, she would report you to the police for sexual harassment and that is when you would know whether your handwriting is nice or not bcos you will be asked by the police to write a statement. In your statement, you can even add that she is under 18 and that can reduce your sentence from 8 years to 10 years. Nice one there! Next question.
Q3. ME: I feel like committing suicide but they said it is not good. Is it true?
A3. MR PRESIDENT: Who said so? Committing suicide is not bad per se. The only problem is that it will take you to hell. There, you’d meet a lot of people suffering for their idiocity. What matters is that you have to make sure you tie the rope to your neck so tight that the law does not catch up with you when you fail to die well. Are you the only one with problems? God help you!
Q4. ME: Your Excellency, Sir, please I have a problem and trust only you can help. My pastor said I should not pick a quarrel with anybody this Christmas and if I do, I will be beaten. Meanwhile, DaaAdwoa has been smoking fish in her room and the smoke comes out to smoke me out. I intend engaging her in a fight tomorrow. Should I go ahead?
A4. MR PRESIDENT: Oh nice one. We don’t pick quarrels, we actually simply quarrel. The solution here is only one. Start fighting your neighbor before the quarrel and by so doing the prophecy will not come true. Picking a quarrel in itself is not a bad idea. What matters is the extent of damage you could do to yourself or your opponent and get nothing out of it. If you get beaten, it gives you an opportunity not to engage in future fights. If on the other hand, you beat your opponent, chances are that she or he could call for a rematch and you may have to be prepared for that okay? Are you ready for that? Will that put food on your table? Next question please.
Q5. ME: This problem has been haunting me since my boyfriend left me last year. My pastor confirmed what I was going through and said he had a vision that I will always think about him and by next year March, I will go mad if I should continue.
A5. MR PRESIDENT: Thinking in itself is not a bad idea. The most important thing is that you have to continue thinking about him so that when you get depressed, he would come back. Similarly, madness in itself is not the problem; the problem is with the total number of kilometers you have to walk in a day and the fact that you cannot account for it. Halleluya? Continue thinking about him ok. Hmmm.
Q6. ME: I have been following with keen interest how you have been helping people with your advice to solve their problem. I know you would help me too.
My problem is that I work so hard and get tired every day. Because I get tired, I want to stop the job. Should I go ahead?
A6. MR PRESIDENT: It is normal to get tired after a hard day’s work. Resigning from the job will solve all your problems and then you go hungry. Your wife will leave you and you will be free. Your children’s school fees at the basic level can no longer be paid and they would keep you company at home. That is called absolute family care. Hunger can kill you and your family will suffer so resign ok.
Q7. ME: There is a girl in my area and I feel like slapping her bcos she said she doesn’t love me because I look like a mumu. Which part of her body should I slap first, Mr President?
A7. MR PRESIDENT: In fact you are very intelligent. About that girl who turned your proposal down, slap her and DOVSSU would only invite you to assist in investigating the assault case while you are behind bars. Your picture would be published in the newspapers and myjoyonline. You would become very popular. Everybody would be giving you fans especially while you are in jail. I trust this would work. Any more questions?
Q8. ME: Mr President, you are my last hope. If you don’t advise me well, I will do something to myself. Anytime I drink plenty water in the night, I keep waking up to urinate. This is worrying me. What should I do?
A8. MR PRESIDENT: what do you want to do to yourself? If the quantity of water you drink is two sachets of pure water, increase the intake to 5. When you wake up to urinate the first two sachets, the other three should wait. My dear Mawuli, I swear you are very healthy. Drink plenty water and be waking up to urinate ok.
Q9. ME: I want to build a house but my budget is GHC5,000. I want a 6 bedroom house at East Legon; please will the money be enough? Besides, why is koobi salty?
A9. MR PRESIDENT: No problem. Do you know AveyDakpa? You can build a 6 bedroom house with aircondition there for GHC3000 and keep the balance. For the koobi part, I refuse to answer, with all due respect!
Ghana sweet o, hmmm! When my wife saw this ‘useless’ dialogue on a sheet of paper in my pocket, her immediate reaction was: ‘while the President is busily thinking about how much he is in a hurry to make life better for everybody, see the questions you have here to go and ask. Am glad you didn’t get the opportunity to ask your questions. They say go and ask your JCR President questions and these were your questions? I regret getting married to you!’ I no mind amsef! Who cares!
The phone or computer on which you are reading this eyi has a purpose; the dress you are wearing today has a purpose. We are celebrating Christmas. What is its purpose? Don’t take undue advantage of the purpose for Christmas to overindulge in all the things I used to overindulge in and pay the price for later o, yooo!
Afehyiapa to all especially my brother Mr Francis Noel Agodzo, the Ashanti Regional Administrative Head of the Judicial Service whose birthday falls on 24th December. Remember, mine is on December 25th. Just pray for me. Amen!