Humour: ‘Transmission’ men’s harvest

Humour: ‘Transmission’ men’s harvest
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu
Date: 18-05-2018 Time: 07:05:09:am

‘Transmitting’ live from 355 Faanofaa street is JOY 99.7 FM’! Hahaaaaa! When your hometown people from the village invisibly walk quietly barefooted behind you to witness a function at which you are the guest speaker, everything else in your preprinted speech changes to ‘transmissions’, I suwear! Let another word be there say ‘apprehensive’ and as it appears, they would quickly use their ‘wifi’ to change it to ‘transmission’ no matter how good you are. Hmmmm! Lord God have mercy on us and our ‘transmissions’ o, hahahaaaa! If you haven’t seen the video yet please look for it and watch it for yourself and laugh and pray for your ‘hometown people’ to disappear from your life in Jesus’ name. I don’t believe entirely in superstition but in my casual analysis of the video, I don’t think that thing that happened to that top security officer was ‘kwa’! 3ny3 kwa, menua! How can you continue transmitting unend for 2 minutes twenty seconds? Tsooo! Boss, why? E bi say you chop ‘transmission’ medicine?

This should start getting some of us worried bcos the whole of last year I hadn’t  stepped in church and these are some of the things that your ‘hometown people’ can use to ‘remote control’ you to mess up and then they rejoice. No be so? Go to church or o or else no matter what you do, even someone comes to correct you, one ‘transmission will keep entering the other ‘transmission’ and before you know it, so so transmissions all over the place. Kus3 wai, Boss!

You remember that my church harvest story where ‘disaster’ struck? It nearly happened again o. hmmm. This time, it was a certain ‘transmission’ from the pulpit into the offertory bowl.  They call it ‘harvest’.

Anyway, last Sunday that I decided to surprise my wife and joined her to church, I regretted. I also went because I wanted to impress my pastor who has been complaining of my koborlor attitude towards church.

My wife dressed up. I dressed up. She asked if I was going somewhere; obviously because she did not expect me to join her to church. I told her I was going to the church some. She laughed and asked ‘what has changed?’ I said the Holy Spirit spoke to me the night before. As I picked my car key to start the journey, she quickly drew my attention to the fact that ‘today, there is men’s harvest oo’. Chai! Not again. I quickly returned in an attempt to go and remove my clothes and go back to sleep. But something said to me ‘oh you go, they won’t take much money from you’. This was where I misled myself.

The pastor started from those who can contribute GHC2,000 to God. He walked towards me and I felt very very uncomfortable. At this point, many congregants who sang praises a few minutes earlier, suddenly became moody and will not want to look into any other person’s face. Pastor went round and came to stand in front of where I was sitting p33333! Eeei. I no mind am sef! Hmmm!

Mr Allotey opened the harvest with GHC2,000. Pastor stepped it down to GHC1,500 and nobody went forward. One thousand Ghana and about 5 women who had problems like me went. One of them was an Obaa soldierman. Two men joined them.

Then came GHC500 and at this point I prayed for the ground to just open and swallow me because Pastor now gave me the microphone under duress to say ‘yes, I will give GHC500’ because he was getting disappointed in me. If I should give GHC500.00 to the church alone, how much will Ablavi, my ‘useless’ side chic get? How much will be left for ‘Swedr mobile money?’ That new catch, you remember? Now I have to ‘import’ them. If they are too close sometimes, they tend to want too much attention. Everyday, let’s go to mall, mall, mall! Haaba!

When the Pastor gave me some breathing space by moving to another chisel guy who I was sure the pastor was going to waste his time with, I decided to give out GHC200. This I did reluctantly. The thing I wanted to avoid was right there in my face, glaring. It is still paining me la ah! I didn’t know beforehand otherwise I wouldn’t have gone to church that Sunday. I am still mourning my 200 cedis oo, ei!

As part of the harvest, some members brought some items for sale. I didn’t know a finger of plantain could cost as high as 300 cedis but they said it is harvest so I should shut up. I did! If this particular plantain were to find its way into the food basket that they use for determining inflation, I am sure inflation would have reached 40% by now. Herh!

Strangely, a Fante man, Mr Arthur brought a male cat and it was put on sale as part of the harvest. The pastor talked talked and nobody was interested in buying the cat. He looked my direction and I smiled. You can be sure I was interested but because the pastor quoted the bid price at GHC150.00, I wanted to wait till nobody showed interest and then he would be compelled to reduce the price aaaaaa and then I can buy it. Initially I was afraid Mr Alornyo, a member of the church’s Joseph Committee might go for it but when I looked around he hadn’t come to church. This man comes to church religiously but e be chisel rof! Haaa! Always seen with one Ghana cedi notes being changed in the shop opposite the church apparently for offertory purposes. Poverty go kill this man p3333! Eish!

Eventually the fundraising harvest pastor reduced the price to GHC30 and I went for it to console myself. After all, if you take out the 30 cedis from the GHC200, then technically I had paid only GHC170 as my harvest, which is ok. The cat looked sick and tired. One of its eyes closed. I wasn’t sure whether it was glaucoma or cataract infected but that cat needed urgent medical attention, I suwear! It looked at me as if to tell me to just kill it right there in the chapel so it can go and ‘rest’!

I came home to attack my wife for misleading me to church. She was lucky I got a cat in return. But her defence was that she never forced me to go to church that day and that the moment I said I was going to church, she knew I was going to ‘commit suicide’. But she assured me that God will bless me nyafunyafu. That was what annoyed me most as I thought the money was for the church and not God and some hungry pastor was going to enjoy it with his wife and maybe….hope you didn’t hear that.

I had been very sad thinking about what I could have used that GHC200 if it wasn’t for that church harvest. Then on Tuesday when I got to work, I received a letter from my employer stating an increment in my salary with retrospective effect from January and the back pay was paid into my account just yesterday. Halleluuuuuuuuuuuuya! I never believed these things work o. Herh! If I knew these things work, I would have given the GHC2000.00 so that my salary increment will have taken retrospective effect from January 2002! Look, God surprised me and I thank that pastor from Gbawe Methodist. I don’t even know his name but he has punk haircut, a silver bowl size of stomach and an iron rod palm with which he holds the microphone. He has just started developing ‘asphalt’ on his head!

I am sure God is somewhere saying ‘Shay shay shay…shame, Mawuli’.

Oh I will go to church on Sunday again. Malachi 3:3? Hmmm! Lord God have mercy! There is more blessing in giving than in receiving. If you give without thinking about it, God opens up more doors without thinking about it. Let’s give more in the house of God and to charity but not to Ablavi and her likes! Praise the Lord!

Invite me to a harvest in your church any time. I will come provided....my seat would be far away from the pastor! Halleluya? If you like, don’t say Amen; who cares!

Do we have any more ‘transmissions’ left if one person has to consume all?

In any case we are still ‘transmitting’ live from 355 Faanofaa Street! Hahaaaaa!

 

 

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