Rami Baitie writes...This Ghana!

Rami Baitie writes...This Ghana!
Source: Rami Baitie | blog.ramitalks.com
Date: 13-10-2018 Time: 03:10:30:pm

Tro-tro Wisdom
I saw the following on the rear screen of a trotro: Ownership Is God. I was curious. What does that mean? To own something is the be all and end all of life? And could that be the aim of the driver because he doesn't own the vehicle? Maybe he has experienced others 'owning' him or his trotro, and it seems God-like to him. Or was he referring to the fact that he is owned by God? Curious and more curious. Or....wait....maybe they dropped an 'o' from Good...

And then on the rear screen of a taxi: My Lord And My Wife. I don't get this one either. Is he referring to his Lord as in God, and then his wife, in the same breath, as in they are equal? If so....he has issues. Or is he referring to the same person, his wife, as being his Lord as well? If so....he has issues. Or maybe he means the priorities in his life...

Old DVDs
I mentioned the movie Hot Shots the last time I wrote about old DVDs. There's a sequel, Hot Shots Part Deux, and it's just as daft. It's a spoof of the Rambo movies and it's full of incredibly foolish dialogue like this: "I see you're no stranger to pain." "No; I've been married....twice." And this gem: "Looks like the upper hand is on the other foot!" And this one: "First guy to die, loses!" And to crown it all: "You're American." "Yes....from America." A true disastrous classic!

Did you think Sherlock Holmes was a genius? Wait till you see the movie Without A Clue. In this version, the character Holmes is an idiot, and I mean idiot, and Dr. Watson is the one who solves the crimes. Michael Caine as Holmes and Ben Kingsley as Watson is brilliant. This is a sample of the dialogue:

Man: He was always quoting from the Psalms sir.
Holmes: Ah, the Psalms! One of my favourite books. The Bible wasn't it?

And this exchange with Watson:
Holmes (looking at Watson in shock): What are you doing?
Watson: Thinking.
Holmes: Right. I'm going to think too. (Long pause.) What shall we think about Watson?

And finally:
Watson: Moriarty knows I am the only match for his evil genius.
Holmes: Are you sure he's not trying to kill me?
Watson: Of course not; he knows you're an idiot.
Holmes: Thank God!

Mobile calls In a car and Pawpaw
I was sitting in traffic the other day when I received a call on my mobile. It was from an acquaintance I had not seen in a long while. It turned out he was sitting in the car ahead of me. My daughter was with me in the car and she said that was weird. Weird? Yes, she said, to be able to see the person as you spoke to them on a mobile. Really? Is it my age or does that sound weird?

At that same spot in traffic, I noticed a woman in the car behind me who was on her mobile. She had the phone held up and was using the speaker, talking animatedly. What really struck me though was the fact that as she spoke she was staring at herself in her rearview mirror. She was using her free hand to smooth out her locks (although they looked to be somebody else's hair), and she was really preening. She seemed very satisfied with herself, or at least her hair. I idly wondered whether the topic of discussion on her phone was actually her hair or something else. Women...

Speaking of traffic, I noticed the other day that there was not a single pawpaw seller at the Gold House traffic lights, coming from the direction of Accra Girls. There are a number of them doing brisk business every morning. Do they use the same supplier? Had the supplier delayed them? Were they on strike? Was there a pawpaw seller union and were they meeting? Wait, maybe the Ghana Cedi to dollar exchange rate?? Very strange.

WhatsApp Videos
Thanks to WhatsApp we all receive videos several times a day, innit? I've observed something strange about myself and these videos. There are some videos that show accidents, all types of accidents really, some horrific, some funny. Because of that, whenever I get a video and I cannot immediately tell what is going to happen, I sit in apprehension until the damn thing ends. Sometimes I almost watch through half-shut eyes, like you would a horror film! Seriously! And then it ends peacefully. Have you had that happen to you? Confess!

But what's worse about these videos is when you struggle to download one of them. It might even take a whole day. And then you realise that you've seen it before....nonsense! Or, even more annoyingly, when you get sent stuff that you just sent to that same person. It means the person is not paying attention and just sends stuff on to everyone as they receive. Very irritating indeed.

Mungo Park, Communion and Red!
What are you supposed to be thinking of when you go for communion? It's not for me to say, but your mind should be on holy things, right? So why did I notice the other day that my favourite priest was administering the body while wearing shoes....but no socks! Not a big deal really, but when you are supposed to be reflecting on our Lord's ultimate sacrifice and the term Mungo Park comes to mind, it's difficult not to laugh out loud.

Just by the by, has anyone ever cracked a tooth from taking communion? It sounds impossible, but has anyone prepared communion wafers that have turned out too hard? I'm just curious. And is the person who prepared it still alive??

Speaking of Mass, the other day our Mass was delayed. We were sitting there expectantly when suddenly the priest and all his helpers came out from the vestry and began to strip the altar of everything! Eish! Was the Mass over before it started? Was someone on the wrong side of the Lord? Had Judgement Day arrived as expected rather than unannounced? As it turned out there was a very simple reason: the wrong colour had been used to dress the altar. It was supposed to be red and instead, it was green. We were celebrating St. Matthew the apostle, who was a martyr you see. It was quite unnerving seeing the priest and his team ransacking the altar so quickly and efficiently, removing everything in sight.

I am very irritated by people who clap out of context. How can you clap out of context, I hear you ask? After all, when someone or something is pleasing to you....you clap! Surely there is no 'right' time for clapping? That's just it: why do you need to show someone you are on their side by clapping when, truly, there is nothing worth clapping about? This phenomenon seems worst at political and religious events. Someone will say something fairly innocuous and there will be a sudden burst of clapping from one particular section of the audience, sometimes accompanied with hooting and hollering, enough to make you think that the Holy Spirit has arrived by camel or donkey. Meanwhile, everyone else is wondering why the applause, and sadly some may join in because they don't want to be left out. I find it maddening, and I think a disservice has actually been done to the speaker. It almost looks like the applause has been 'paid for'.

YouTube Views
Do you know a song by The Brown Family titled Whyne Am (their spelling, not mine)? No, I didn't think you would. It came out several years ago and was one of the first Naija tracks of the modern era I heard. It's a good track; I like it. I found it on YouTube the other day and noticed it had just over two thousand views. Then I watched Tiwa Savage singing All Over (those legs!) and noticed that it had over twenty million views. There was something ineffably sad about a song that was released pre-YouTube. It's a typical Naija track, Whyne Am, and it has a video albeit a pretty average one (with video chicks and all).

But it had the misfortune of being released too early in life! So only oldies like Rami, just over two thousand of us, have looked for it on YouTube. Meanwhile, All Over is a modern contemporary bouncy catchy Naija tune released in the YouTube era! Tiwa Savage (those legs!) and lots of video chicks, oh and a man in a convertible. And over twenty million and counting have seen it. Life isn't fair, is it? By the by...All Over is nicer than Whyne Am.

Diary Dictation
I recently heard something that blew me away. Have you ever heard of a secondary school student dictating their diary to a junior?? I no hear some before oh! The person in question has never mentioned it in the 28 years I have known her, and it only came up because one of the juniors who used to take the dictation referred to it quite innocently while reminiscing. Diary dictation? All sorts of things came to mind, the foremost of which was: blackmail! The diarist says there is nothing in her diaries (which she still has) which could even be remotely interesting to anyone apart from her. I wonder....

Policeman and a ¢2 note
The other day I was parked in traffic at an intersection where a policeman had 'overridden' the lights. I suddenly realised that the policeman was walking rather briskly across the intersection at some danger to his life. Eish! Then I realised that he accelerated and bent down and scooped up what was clearly a GHC2 note. What? Where did the money come from? A tip? A bribe? Fell out of his pocket? Manna from heaven?

None of the above as it turned out. As I waited for him to summon my side of the traffic (he was obviously otherwise engaged), I saw a street vendor come up to him and he handed the GHC2 note over to her. She thanked him profusely. I actually sighed in relief! I guess she must have dropped it or more probably had it thrown at her from a moving car, and the wind had done the rest. Papa Police, I apologise for questioning your integrity!

Sporting Weekend
It's nice being a man. Only a man can have his weekend made by sporting events. Recently, on one weekend, Arsenal won (I know, I know), Manchester United and that man lost, Lewis Hamilton won the Russian Grand Prix, and Europe comfortably won the Ryder Cup. Sometimes that's the only action a man can look forward to....

I heard the following during a sitcom on television:
Man: Why do you always bug me during a football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
Woman: No, but you bugged me during conception.

I wonder....as a husband....what do I make of such a thought? Did I bug during conception?? I thought I was loving....and caring....and gentle....and loving....and attentive....and generous....and loving....

And then after all this wahala your child one day insists that you introduce them as being adopted.... 

Do you know I always thought that toilet seats were invented to prevent women from falling in? Seriously. 


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