Shattered Movement

Shattered Movement
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 19-10-2018 Time: 08:10:53:am
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When an issue becomes a case, it often becomes difficult to unravel. When you take a loan to do your wedding with and you are unable to pay back, orgasm in the marriage becomes a big issue.

Don’t create problems for the young innocent woman. Live within your means and don’t be pushed in to doing things far and above your means and say ‘God is in control’. Abeg, God is getting tired of these our deliberate suffering we impose on ourselves o, yoo!

It was in the middle of the night; she sneaked out to peep where the blood was dripping from. Scary as horrendous as the sound of the crickets made it worse…in the dark, she mustered courage and jumped through the window and caught it from the legs. The chicken that was slaughtered but not killed properly during the day by Agbavitor was hiding by the window. Awwwwwwww.

She has since gone back to sleep after nocturnally preparing some pepper soup with the local chicken, hmmmm….she said she would bring me some on Sunday so I have made my gari ready. I bought that yellow gari from Cape Coast on the way to Elmina. Right from that night, I knew it was such a shattered movement from the previous owner of the chicken! He should have killed it ‘well well’.

This weekend be ‘dry’ rof and yet yaanom are still sending mobile money numbers I did not ask for. Sometimes it amazes me how such uncomfortable requests come in droves. Please hold on, let me pick this call from Ablavi. She is calling and I can predict what she wants. Last week she called to beg me to send her money to renew her DSTV subscription. Even me, I don’t have DSTV; I manage to watch GTV like that for free! What would I be left with for my own family if I keep sharing like that?You go kill me o, Ablavi Gborgborvon!

Surprisingly Ablavi thinks she is the only one, hmmmm! She no know sef! Ahan! It’s Fridayyyyyyyyy, whether you are broke or not. Don’t worry, you are not the only one someone is asking for mobile money. We are in it together. Nowadays, they start sounding the alarm bells from the 19th of the month as Ablavi did a while ago.

Word of caution, if for a long time, you haven’t heard from some ladies and you see them calling from the 19th to the 28th of the month, my brother avoid those calls and block them on wassap! They first start with ‘ei long time you dey?’ The next thing that would follow is their normal chorus that will make you moody, I suwear. ‘I am broke oo…’. Hmmmm!

Ei, did you know that Yuroba people call fowl ‘akukor’ the same way the Akans in Ghana call it? Except that theirs mean ‘cock’, I mean ‘male cock’, oooohhhh the male counterpart of the ‘female hen’. Male chicken la ah! I am even confused.

I met Saminni at the mall the last time and had a good interaction with him. The humility with which he responded to the conversation er. Awwwwww! You still dey earn my respect for your level of self-discipline! Kpoi! Kpai! Hahaaaa!Handsome paddy with self-respect as his trade mark. Keep it up, Kpoi!

I like going to the mall especially if my taps are not flowing and I feel the next most comfortable place to ‘offload’ is the WC of these malls! Do you know that witchcraft can be defined as when you have a feeling you are about to have diarrhoeaand you use your last money to go the KVIP and the thing refuses to come?

You are often torn between whether it is diarrhoea you have or constipation! I heard it’s a form of liver problem when you abuse drugs with multiples of medications not prescribed for you; go for a check-up! Thank God for malls.

It’s amazing how some of us felt that the upsurge of malls was going to affect trading at the traditional markets but I beg to think differently now. Herh, Kantanmanto and Kejetia are still bursting in their seams the same with congestion everywhere. Don’t fear competition; just do a good job in the traditional set up and you’d be fine.

Apart from meeting guys like Saminni, the only problem I have with going to the malls is that you’d meet people you haven’t seen in the last 20 years. Usually, depending on how close you were to that person in the past, you are more likely to forget the name of the person so you go like, ‘ei, Charlie, you make nice o, long time’.

Others would go like ‘ei Massa Bossu, where you go hide for wey your stomach come out nice like this?’. Instead of telling you the accumulation of diseases in your stomach are symptoms of early death, they keep praising you. You know why? They can’t remember your name; but the moment you are bold enough to say ‘Boss, my name is Mawuli but I forget your own small’, they would quickly jump to the fact that ‘ah, how can I forget your name. Mawuli; you paa’ I once deliberately gave someone a wrong name and he insisted ‘oh Alhassan, I dey kai you waa; there is no way I go fit forget your name’. Me? Alhassan?

That was when I moved from Alhaji Tabora to Mallam-Gbawe where people thought I had ‘tuba’! In fact now I want to tuba’ sef. At this point you can see some funny movement around the left side of the person’s nose, an indication that he knows he is lying’. As for our women, they are very good here.

In case they forget, they are more likely to tell you they have forgotten your name right there and then if indeed that is the case. But men? Hmm. Always wanting to impress. Tell a man ‘temperature is used in measuring thermometer’ at this point and he is more likely to say YES instead of paying attention to your question.

One such guy recently asked for my number and he dialed it on his phone and now asked me ‘what name should I use to save the number?’ In fact you can be sure of my response: ‘use the name that you remember’ and then he responded ‘sure, Boss’. I now queried further which one will you use’? and his response confused he himself but smiling in a manner that make I bore sef before he confessed he couldn’t remember my name! Ah! My friend, just tell me you don’t remember my name. finish! 

Please be bold and tell the person life is not the same 20 years ago. And that the pressures in the past 15 years from school fees, rent, petrol, mobile money, family, girls and for that matter, you have forgotten his or her name and you will be fine. For all you know, he has forgotten your name too and it makes the conversation nice.

Usually, if you remember the name you go like ‘Ei Ap33p3, where you go dey? I figa say you dey Yonky sef. I no know say you still dey La Kojo Sardine’. If you don’t remember, that is when you start addressing people‘Chief, Director, Bossu, Senior, Big man, Charlie, Massa, Paddyman, Opana, Hon, etc’. Am I an assembly man? I had a funny experience of someone calling me at the Westhill Mall ‘Grundig’. Hmmm!

I am still thinking how he arrived at that name though I remember back in school, my Chrife room mate used to disturb me with an old sound system with the brand name ‘Grundig’. Yea! Those wild sound systems those days. Those were the days a girl I never proposed to came to tell me ‘it is over between us’. I found out later that she was drunk at the time of her ‘break-up’ with me. Hmmm!

But to pretend you still have that sharp memory well after age 40 years and remember every school mate’s name may be time-wasting and near impossible or you no know say midlife crisis dey approach?

I met this former Dep Regional Minister at Marina Mall and I mentioned his full name. I remembered him very well bcos of his love for student politics. He did not remember mine and I was 100% sure he would not remember mine bcos we were not close friends but the moment I mentioned my name as ‘Badu’, he said he remembered la! Ei!

The other thing we do when we meet old friends is this one that I am not sure if it has ever happened to you. After all the greetings and unnecessary laughter, you ask for the person’s number, you dial it on your phone, pretend you are saving it and refuse to save it. This often happens if the previous friendship was not as strong. For me there are some numbers I don’t store bcos they will give my phone low battery if I do.

Gladys of Ave-Dakpa’s number? Me? Save? For what? There are yet some who feel so important that they would not even ask to have your number too bcos they think you would be the only one who would need them and not the other way round too. Me? If you do that, you can be sure I won’t even dial it to stay in my call log, to start with. Mostly, such people are only interested in giving you their numbers in a hurry while walking away! Ei! Me? It is only nice to take my number too, no be so?

Next time when you see someone you are owing money, reverse and pretend to be talking on your mobile phone and give him signals you are on the phone and would get back to him soon but make sure, while you are at it, your phone is on ‘silent’! That is my recommended strategy to my friend, Sammy whose hobby is always borrowing wheelbarrows from me.

Have a happy weekend bug abeg o, some of those university lecturers and teachers who are said to find it difficult to control their eyi should be more careful o, yoo. Like I would always say: ‘Sin fascinates and assassinates’ o, ayoo bcos it could just be a movement that is shattered!


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