Guy Jesus

Guy Jesus
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu | uselesscolumn.wordpress.com
Date: 07-09-2018 Time: 09:09:16:am

The happiest moment in my life ever was that moment when that girl who was proving ‘stubborn’ asked me to ‘go and lock the door first’. Kw33333! That’s when you say ‘Halleluyaaa’ with all the wrong reasons! The speed with which I ran to the door is incomparable to that of Hussein Bolt! God forgive me and make me whole again!

It’s Fridayyyyy and my stomach is doing me something something and my landlord has not ‘done the do’ by building a private latrine so I went to the mall to do it. It was too early so the security man at the mall gate vex but I no mind am sef. It’s unfortunate to see some people drive all the way to the mall just to go to washroom; that becomes an ‘emotional’ case. Why? You no get toilet for house or you are afraid of water bills? You would come and meet me there tomorrow. Landlords who don’t give a demn about toilet facilities should take guard o, yooo. Congratulations o, Bra Ekow Blankkson of TVA for that beautiful lady, Naadu, whom you got married to last weekend. I enjoyed the evening waakye at the reception rof, especially the hot pepper.

Let’s all remember that life is like driving on the motorway; no matter how fast you drive, somebody will overtake you; the same way no matter how slow you drive, you too will overtake somebody! There is no need to be really bothered about whether you are on top speed or under-speeding; the most important thing is that just KEEP MOVING!

 ‘Booz Lee’, ‘Snake in the monkey shadow’, ‘I Tross my Leg’,Kung Fu’ Shaolin Masters’.

 ‘Killer baa gbo last show! Yes indeed the ‘the blowman gets all the beatings but at the end of the day, it is climaxed with victory over the ‘wicked killer’! May all your sufferings in the hands of the devil come to an end in the name of Jesus and victory shall be yours.

I remember the video centre days at Kisseman. Small small coins used to vanish from under my mum’s pillow to enable me go and watch film at Gastoro’s movie centre. If I had no money, all I needed to do was to wait till the tail end of the film (now movie) when they open free gate. By this time, I would have enjoyed the ‘gbushan gbushan’ sounds from within! There were times I never got to watch the ending part where the ‘killer’ finally gets killed and the blowman celebrates victory with the end credits; I only watched the end credits and go home happy even though I have watched nothing! Me too I watch fim! Finish!

My friends used to call me ‘Jackie Chen’ even though I was always beaten in small small fights. I was smallish and lanky in stature yet always seen at the ‘trouble-end’ of almost every bad thing. Akornaabu (a Ga expression meaning ‘they have bitten the mouth’ was a guy 11 years older than I. He had his mouth bitten in a previous fight with a lady before and the scar made it easy for his peers to make mockery of him hence the name ‘Akornaabu’ literally meaning ‘they bite mouth’! He had some respect for his peers and so even though he didn’t like the name, he couldn’t do much about it when they made fun of him. He was 21 and I was only 10 years old yet I also joined the big boys in calling him like that. Every time I saw him, I would go like ‘Akornaaaabu’ with emphasis on the ‘naaaabu’. I would do this while holding my mouth in a sarcastic manner to suggest I was referring to him. I often did this when he was in the midst of girls to discourage the girls from accepting possible advances from him. For whatever reason, I don’t even know o. In fact I made it a hobby to be looking for him, calling him names and then running away! He would often warn me to desist or else he would beat me up mercilessly. Me? Stop? For what? I continued till the day I saw him confident-looking in some Togoh jeans which has 8-pockets standing with arms akimbo before Sellasie, some nice chic bi saying some things bi to her that made me jealous. I shouted ‘Hey Bra Akornaabu’. You should have been there to see the beatings I received from this muscular guy. All my ‘Guy Jesus’ karat skills vanished. I say beatings? Hmmm! 

The funny thing about Akornaabu was that prior to his mouth being beaten, he had lost a front tooth in an earlier fight. This made his face looking very ‘interesting’. With his missing tooth, wele and beef were his favourite meat even though he could hardly pronounce ‘wele’. You could hear him say ‘weywey’ when he actually meant ‘wele’ and ‘biwi’ when he meant ‘beef’! You can also simulate how he can pronounce number 44!

Ei! After beating me up, Akornaabu followed up with a stern warning to my mother that he would ‘finish’ me the next time he hears me call him by ‘that name’. ‘What name’? , my mother asked him and padiman couldn’t say it so I decided to help him even though I was reeling under pain from his earlier spanking. I quickly jumped to his aid to tell my mother the name is ‘Akornaabu’ and took to my heels. I was just bent on making life uncomfortable for Akornaabu damning the consequences.

A week passed and I saw Akornaabu again. In fact, I consciously looked for him. This time, with some cautiousness, I was somehow scared of him now but still had a strong urge to call him the name again. So upon careful consideration, I just said rather sarcastically quietly in low tone ‘Akorna…’ He heard it and looked at me with some scorn. Then I repeated it ‘Akorna…’ to which he’d wanted to beat me up again and I boldly challenged him (of course from a distance). After all, I defended myself with the fact that his name is not ‘Akorna’ and so he had no right to touch me; after all I only said ‘Akorna… and not ‘Akornaabu’. He managed to give me at least two slaps on my mouth but I kept quiet when I got home, crying within my soul. I would have received more beatings if I had reported the matter to Daa Minawo.

Prior to this encounter with Akornaabu, he once beat me up when I was learning how to speak Ga. I used to greet him while learning the language. He wasn’t a Ga but he was fluent in the language. I would greet him ‘Ma yibo bian tor n333 obaa na! (another Ga expression literally meaning: ‘I will beat you right now, you would see’). I thought I was doing him a favour by greeting him this way with the hope that this was how to say ‘Good morning’ in Ga. This was how the whole rivalry started o. How can I go and stand before someone twice my age to say in a local unknown dialect that ‘I will beat you right now, you would see’ thinking I was greeting the person? Suicide! ‘If you are learning a new language, don’t talk too much’, I’d learnt!

Why did I even raise this issue today? Oh ok, I now remember: Akornaabu is ‘going home’ tomorrow after dying in an akpeteshie drinking competition. This time, ‘akpeteshie bite his mouth’! They said he was arrested by an ‘unseen force’ – cardiac arrest!

He used to exercise a lot too o. This life and cardiac arrest kraa, if you don’t exercise, they say cardiac will arrest you and you will die. If you exercise too, your arrest comes even faster, sometimes! Only God takes care of man o…and woman!

Tomorrow I am going to the mall to enjoy air-condition after a long walk. I had always maintained that the most profitable shop in the malls around town is not being made use of, commercially. I still don’t understand why people leave their homes all the way to the mall only to go to toilet! Last Saturday I almost fought a guy for delaying too much. He went to the washroom. He was in there ‘screaming’ while I was the next in the queue suffering from ‘a very strong urge’ after eating pawpaw the previous night. I knocked the door and all I could hear was a cough. I kept quiet. In order to suppress the urge, I started with some aerobics but that thing ‘refused to be suppressed’. Others in wait were equally annoyed at those behind the doors delaying. The room number 3 where I had targeted was like the studio of a sound engineer. All you could hear is ‘toom’ ‘toom, toom’. I believe that was when he had started laying the foundation. The next pitch was even more annoying. All we could hear from inside behind the door was ‘ti….ti…ti…’ apparently ‘laying the blocks’ after laying the foundation.

 When he came out sweating, I dashed him 5 cedis for a good work done but out of embarrassment, he refused it. I threw it back at him. How can you work and have no pay! How? Anyway, I proceeded to use the ‘LADIES’ bcos that place is even neater and mostly free and for that matter, I don’t think theirs should attract charges but the ‘MEN’? Chai! After all, the ‘Ladies’ is the ideal place for ‘men’! Malls should start charging men oo, and expand their toilet facilities. GHC1 for toilet is not a bad idea. GHC0.50 for urine is cool. That is business, you know. The malls should have budgeted well with the amount of toilet people were going to generate there. This is where the malls can make real profit rather than entertaining people who come only for window shopping, enjoy the aircondition environment and go home without buying anything; not even pop corn! On top they go to toilet – for free, heavy ones too! How?

Share this story




Leave a comment


What others are reading
We’re in difficult times; Akufo-Addo concedes
Police, National Tanker Drivers on collision course over strike
Photo: “Kudos Ghana” - Nollywood star Kanayo O Kanayo praises Ghana airport
Monetary Policy Committee keeps lending rate at 17%