Every man must cheat once

Mawuli Zogbenu

Is it true that in some jurisdictions when you ‘make a conscious effort’ by not observing the safety protocols and you, God forbid, catch the COVID 19 before you are taken to the quarantine or treatment centre, your mobile phone will be taken away from you and given to your wife to keep ‘safely’ for you with the password especially to your whatsapp? Heyheyhey!

If this is true, then I now understand why most married men are religiously wearing the face mask and also observing the other safety protocols! It will also help in contact tracing. Hahaaai!

If you haven’t seen the corona virus before, look at someone who is not wearing the mask while in public– that is the virus itself. Otherwise why is it that everybody has been asked to wear the thing to protect themselves and some stubborn ones decide not to? Ah!

Do you remember when I was in Primary School? No! Ehern, I witnessed an encounter between my senior brother and my father.

My brother was openly furious with the old boy for cheating on our dear mum with another woman after he caught Papa with his lover in some corner bi and decided to advise him later against such ‘ungodly acts’.

The good news was that my mum had no idea about anything being done behind her.  In reaction, the old boy didn’t say anything other than telling my brother: ‘Who no grow, go grow’.

That was all the English my late Dad spoke on this earth till he exited some 26 years ago. He claimed he attended night school so brofo no bi ‘in’ thing. I don’t know where he even got his name Joseph from but he tried writing it well except that he would turn the letter ‘J’ to the opposite side the same way the figure 6 can be turned into the figure ‘9’!

He once summoned me to the Kisseman Chief, Papa Nii Tormela for politely asking: ‘Papa, ‘what do you mean please?’. For him and his generation, that was a very biiiiig insult!

Ahan, like I was saying, my brother grew up into an adult and got married. At some point, I went to catch him somewhere with another lady in a compromising position.

The following dawn, I called him advising him against such ‘ungodly acts’ because he has to remain faithful to ONLY his wife according to the Bible. Wey kan Bible? In a similar fashion, my brother didn’t say anything but only said to me: ‘Who no grow, go grow’ and walked away. Really? I see!

Now I am also grown and married. The good news is that my children are not old enough to start ‘advising me against any ‘ungodly acts’. Hahahahaha!

Indeed Sin fascinates and assassinates! To be frank side chic business can be stressful o. Be careful, my friends! There is nothing really in it apart from stress, money-wasting, time-wasting and possible deadly diseases.

That is why I think it is advisable for every man to cheat at least once when playing the game of oware so he can experience the stress it comes. He will advise himself after cheating small and nobody will advise you to slow down; please remember, I didn’t say ‘stop’ o; I said ‘slow down’! Ajeei! Men, we will kill ourselves yet blame it on women that women will kill us!

It just reminded me of an experience in 2008. I was living in a chamber and hall apartment next to my landlord’s master bedroom.

The architecture of the house is such that before I entered my room, my landlord’s entire family will surely see me entering so it was almost impossible to ‘import anything’ to the house without them seeing ‘the goods’ because they know my then fiancée.

We lived like a family. The man was an extremely principled person who some people thought was ‘wicked’ and no tenant could live in that house for more than 6 months because his house rules were tough. ’Don’t pour water here’ and you don’t have a choice.

Surprisingly I lived in absolute peace with him and his family for almost 10 years! My secret was simple. I followed all his instructions and rules religiously because whether I liked it or not, ‘it was his apartment and the only option left for me was to build my own house if I wanted absolute freedom ‘to pour water anywhere’.  I complied with all rules. ‘Let your part-time wife wake up at 4am to sweep the compound’, she complied.

Most of those other tenants who couldn’t stay in that house for more than 6 months insisted too much on their rights! But for ‘fools’ like me and my partner, we endured every bit of our stay there knowing it was not going to be forever. He once came to my room to watch TV.

The following day, he increased my rent! Case close but gave me enough time to pay! I took him like a father and he took me like his son in spite of his high-handedness.

Then my partner traveled to school outside the country. It was a fine opportunity to ‘fill in the gap’. Occasionally ‘they’ would come late in the night when everyone in the house including my landlord was asleep.

Landlord was a bit suspicious because my room was the closest to where he and his wife slept and so occasionally could hear sounds of ‘kpluya kpluya kpluya’ coming from my room knowing very well I was alone in the room.

By dawn, the ‘thief’ would have sneaked out and when we all wake up in the morning, my landlord and his wife would be looking at me some kan way as if to interrogate me on the ‘kpluya kpluya kpluya’ sounds the previous night!

After all, I could also hear their kpluya kpluya sound occasionally and the night their bed got broken and I could hear rats running helter skelter in their room to safety.

I kept ‘importing’ so long as my wife-to-be was not in town. Tall, short, fat, slim, beautiful, ugly face but big back, I ‘imported’ them all. Majority were for ‘useless’ fun but a few thought once I wasn’t married yet, they had a chance! Chance for where? Fatimah no go gree o, hahahaha!

I remember before renting the room the original colour of the paint in the bedroom was pink and I changed it to blue before occupying. After a while, I realized that the footprints on the left wall by the bed had footprints of different sizes exposing the original colour pink especially the left feet of the different girls I ‘imported’.

One of those girls, Maabena slapped me before when she saw a night gown of my fiancée hanging on the wall, meaning I lied to her I was single. Yes, wasn’t I officially singe? Hahahaahaa! Apparently when the gers came in, they rested their feet on the wall as their feet were peeling the blue paint and exposing the original pink paint.

Ohhhh what was I even saying? Ehern! Then there was an entertainment  programme at the Conference Centre. I’d arranged with Ayeshetu after which we’d come home and do the distin and fall asleep; it was going to be sweet or? Hahahaa! Ayeshetu was a neighbor, very soft and bordorrrr and well known in my area.

When we closed from the show and got closer home and about entering my room at about 2.20am, I honestly knew it was safe and I could go straight into the room with Ayeshetu because my landlord and my family were expected to be sound asleep by then.

No oo! As negative fate would have it, just upon reaching home, I realized everybody was at home around that time sitting very close to my door chatting. Ebei! At this time? I played smart. I asked Ayeshetu to go and wait for me behind the house and when I confirm my people have gone to sleep she can stealthily sneak in and what can come can come!

As to why they were still awake, it was because of a snake they claimed they saw in the living room and tried to kill it without success. It was getting to 3.13am and my people were still outside la. I deceived them that snakes don’t bite ‘by hat’ so they should go and sleep and nothing would happen but still.

Ayeshetu was waiting outside in the cold weather. I kept calling her undertone to assure her the people would go and sleep soon so she could come in.

Finally around 3.54am, they went back to their rooms to sleep. Thank God Ayeshetu could come in now. I called her phone – switched off! Alla!

I came out walking around the back of the house and there she was lying down by the hedges sound asleep with phone on low battery and mosquitoes having a field day on her. Ao! I was filled with guilt!

Your ears sweet you o. You want to hear the rest? You lie bad! Hahahahaha! My only problem is that because I am not doing any side chicki chicki due to coro coro,  my waist is getting accumulated with ‘useless fluids’! Hahahahahaha!

Every human being is good and bad, with no exception but just do your best! Tataaaaaa!


The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.