(A Satirical Scroll from the Republic of Uncommon Sense – Yaoundé Province)

And so it came to pass, brethren, that in the ninety-second year of his earthly journey, His Excellency Paul Biya, the Lord of Longevity, Pharaoh of Cameroon, and Minister of Eternal Rule, did something no soothsayer saw coming…

He discovered the internet.

The heavens trembled. Mice clicked. Birds flew north. Twitter (now known as X for reasons nobody understands) received a notification. Cameroon’s longest-serving president had posted a selfie. Or at least, someone in his name did — probably his great-grandnephew's roommate's cousin from the Ministry of Photoshop.

For a man who took office before WiFi, floppy disks, and even seatbelts became fashionable in Africa, Biya’s digital awakening is nothing short of a Lazarus moment. The prodigal president has returned — not to the streets of Cameroon, mind you, but to the timeline.

And what a resurrection!

### Hashtag and Thou Shall Rule

Gone are the days when President Biya only spoke through dusty decrees or long-winded speeches that could put a sugar-crazed goat to sleep. No. We are now in the Age of Digital Prophecy.

Each day brings a new post, lovingly extracted from his museum of speeches — some as old as the Berlin Wall, and others penned before Cameroonians knew “Google” wasn't a witchcraft term.

A recent post quoted a sermon from the Year 2000 warning against leaders who don’t practise what they preach — suspiciously posted two days after an ally defected. Subtle shade? Or just presidential dementia playing peek-a-boo?

### Digital Charm School

But don't get too excited. Analysts say the president’s digital campaign lacks what the youth call “vibes.”

For starters, 95% of young Cameroonians use WhatsApp. But on WhatsApp, Biya is quieter than a church mouse at a cat convention. No stickers. No “Good morning” spam. Not even a forwarded message from Auntie Chantal warning about demons in fried rice.

When he does show up (on Facebook and X), it’s with all the warmth of a tax collector. No replies, no interactions, and if you comment something cheeky, you’ll either be deleted or deported to Ebolowa to count potholes.

### The Youth Are Not Amused

You see, Cameroon’s young people are not difficult to please. They just want three simple things:

1. Jobs.

2. Roads.

3. A president who doesn’t need daily CPR from the PR department.

But instead of jobs, they get jingles. Instead of roads, they get reels. And instead of reforms, they get a digital mausoleum of speeches past.

One citizen lamented: “We need employment, not engagement. Fix our reality, not your aesthetic.” Another asked: “Is this a campaign or a documentary on ancient relics?”

But the state media, faithful as ever, praised Biya’s “digital outreach” as a sign of “youthful vigor.” We nodded in respect. After all, if tweeting from beyond the political grave isn't vitality, what is?

### Insta-gramps and the Eighth Term

Make no mistake — this isn't just a social media makeover. It's the prologue to Term Number Eight, which, in Biya’s divine numerology, is the political version of forever and ever, Amen.

But here's the thing: this time around, he's not just running against opponents. He’s running against Google, TikTok, satire, and the collective memory of every under-30 Cameroonian who doesn’t remember life without Biya in a suit.

And so the campaign continues: one hashtag at a time. #ExperienceMatters (Because he has all of it) #DigitalBiya#CtrlAltBiya2025#LoggingInLoggingOnLoggingForever

### Final Benediction

Fellow citizens of Africa and Beyond, should you one day hear the skies open with trumpet blasts and angelic chants, fear not. It’s not the Second Coming. It’s probably Paul Biya discovering Instagram Stories.

Until then, may your connections be strong, your leaders be younger than Methuselah, and your democracy… slightly less embalmed.

Amen and algorithm.

Jimmy Aglah, Chief Satirist, Republic of Uncommon Sense