Figuring out all the new relationships and roles when a new baby arrives can be very challenging. Most new parents are surprised by what they learn about themselves and their partners when a baby comes. Both partners bring their own ideas from childhood about what mothers and fathers should do. Most couples have some differences in their expectations, and most of us also hold conflicting beliefs within ourselves. Part of you may want your partner to participate fully, but another part of you believes that mothers should really be the primary parent. Some of us fear that if the other parent builds a strong relationship with baby, that we won't be as important anymore. Part of you may want to be fully involved in my baby's life, but another part thinks that your work should be your major focus. Many of us really, really want our partners to help, but we resist giving up absolute control in how our baby is cared for. Sorting all of this out in the midst of the fatigue, excitement and confusion of new parenthood is no easy task. 1.Support your partner's competence There are many reasons that parents may be wary of caring for a newborn. Newborns can be scary. They seem fragile and unknown, and if you haven't had much experience with babies, you can feel clueless. It takes time, observation, support and practice to learn how to care for a newborn. Your partner may need the support of classes, encouragement, other parents and time and practice to get up to speed in caring for his baby. Many new fathers of breastfed babies feel "out of the loop." Some families have success with dad feeding baby expressed milk, but even if dad doesn't feed baby for the first six months of life, there is lots of intimate caregiving to do. Giving baths, changing diapers, holding, rocking, comforting are all wonderfully nurturing tasks available to both parents. 2.Be aware of gate-keeping Because new parents are so in love, protective, vulnerable and conscientious, it can be difficult to really let someone else take care of "your" baby. As exhausted as we are and as much as we say we want help, when it comes down to it, we may actually interfere with our getting help. We do this by giving too many instructions, by directing our partners, rather than by inviting them, by being critical, or by insisting on being the only expert. These responses can interrupt a well-meaning partner's attempts to care for baby. Remember that he is going to learn best from his own trials and errors. 3.Be aware of the junior parent/senior parent syndrome Many of us come to parenthood believing that women are naturally superior parents. We may organize our lives, our work schedules and our decision-making around that assumption. We consciously and unconsciously act in ways that tell men that they should defer to women and that tell women they need to be in charge. In some families, this is consistent with what both parents really want and it works fine. In other families, parents truly want to build a different system, but because of their subconscious beliefs they set up a system of senior and junior parent. In the junior/senior system, mom always has to pack the diaper bag and dad is called a babysitter. Even in families where one parent spends more time with baby than the other parent, its important to change this dynamic so you can work toward equal parenting. 4.Support each other as parents Parenting is one of the most invisible jobs there is. It is important that you talk about how best to support each other as parents. You can regularly acknowledge with your partner the gifts he/she brings to your child and appreciate her/him as a parent. 5.Plan for regular, consistent time alone with baby It can be difficult to fully discover yourself as a parent when the other parent is there. You may feel self-conscious, you may "give-up" and ask for help; the other parent may feel like rescuing or giving advice. Having some regular time alone with baby will allow each parent to discover their own unique set of parenting skills and to build the confidence that will allow them to be a "full" parent, even when their partner is around. 6.Talk with your partner about your parenting goals Most of us start the discussion about parenting with what kinds of diapers and car seats we should get. It is also important to have some discussions about the vision we hold for our family. You could start by each writing answers to some of these questions and then discussing your answers. 1. What do I hope our child will learn in our family? 2. How do I see my role as a parent? What kind of a parent do I want to be? How much time and what kind of interactions do I want with my child? 3. What beliefs do I have about what mothers/fathers (the other parent) should do? 4. How would I like it to be handled if you disagree with me about something I am doing with our child? 5. How could I best support you as a parent? 6. How could you best support me as a parent? 7.Talk to other families who share parenting Really sharing the care of your child with your partner poses many challenges as well as gifts. Talk to other parents who are committed to sharing the responsibility for their children. Ask them how they do it, what obstacles they have encountered and how they have handled them. Source: ivillage.com