Okay, tell me more—what does 'Acts of Service' say about me?
At its core, this language is about demonstrations of love. Since saying "I love you" doesn't actually guarantee that the speaker means it, some people respond better to seeing someone show their feelings, says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified. That's not to say you have trust issues (though it's possible), or that you're overly dependent (or codependent) on other people. In fact, you're most likely super self-sufficient and ambitious. That's exactly what makes you respond to this language: If someone can recognize all that you do on your own and wants to step in to help make your life a little easier, that, to you, is real love. Their actions are actually less about the deed itself and more about showing you that they are on your team. If your partner goes out of their way to pick your sister up from the airport, or call the realtor so you don't have to, you hear "I care about you enough to sacrifice my own time for your benefit." And that's not something you find every day.Is Acts of Service ever a bad thing?
Okay, brace yourself: Acts of Service can be a little problematic if you're not super self-aware. While every relationship should be about balance, where both partners get their needs equally met, having this particular love language could make you more susceptible to letting expectations get in the way of an otherwise happy and healthy situation. In other words, if you think your partner should be doing X or Y for you, rather than letting them choose how to show their support, you could self-sabotage your bond. "Unbalanced relationships where one person expects too much and thinks their partner must meet those expectations to prove that they love them" is when things get tricky, Palmer says. No one wants a relationship that comes with a list of chores. Think about it: At work, you'd be put off by a new employee who feels like they're entitled to certain things before they've even shown their commitment to the company. Similarly, your partner should feel like their demonstrations of love are reciprocated and their choice, at their will—not your demand. Want a stronger relationship? Steal this couple's secrets:Gotcha. So if this is my love language, how do I make a relationship work?
Communication, communication, oh, and um, some more communication. When acts of service are involved, there’s no room for assumptions, says Palmer. Assuming your S.O. knows which acts of service you value most and expecting them to perform them at all is a surefire way to make your partner feel taken advantage of. So here's how to be straightforward without demanding anything in return: Do- Clearly tell your partner which acts of service you value. This way they can prioritize those actions, Palmer says. Frame it in a way that explains why their help means something to you, like: "I haven't been getting much sleep lately—would you mind walking the dog in the morning so I can sleep in a little longer?" If you have a hard time expressing your needs, talking to a therapist can help you feel more comfortable. Either way, if you prefer to be more subtle, try telling your partner about a time a friend or family member did something for you that meant a lot to you, suggests Palmer.
- Acknowledge what your partner's doing—say thank you. It sounds duh, but especially in if you've been together for a while, you may not notice some of the things they're doing to show you you're their #1. So to ensure they never feel taken for granted, after you talk through which acts of service are major for you, keep an eye out for when they actually do them (or something similar). Say: "Hey, I noticed you picked up the dry-cleaning today while I was stuck at work. I'm going to need those pants this week, so thank you so much for doing that."
- Learn the ways your partner feels most loved. There's a chance they "speak" a different love language than you do (they might need touch or feel extra special when you tell them how impressed you are by their brain), so do what you can to suss out their love language. Straight-up talk about it (Palmer promises the convo won't be awkward as long as you keep things positive), or tune in to what makes them light up day to day. Once you figure it out, keep that intel top of mind and create opportunities to speak their language (surprise them with a massage, bring home their favorite cookie...you get the idea). Otherwise, you’ll find these acts of service you crave become less and less frequent when your S.O. isn't feeling the love from you. Don’t
- Expect your partner to read your mind. While, yeah, it’s the thought that counts, if certain actions will make you feel especially warm and fuzzy inside, speak up.
- Scoff at no. Remember, acts of service really lose their meaning if they're not at your partner's will. So be okay with hearing "Sorry, I can't right now," and trust that if they could, they would. If you feel like they're always turning down your needs, it may be a good opp to visit a couples counselor. Communication is everything, after all.
- Fully rely on your partner to pick up your slack. Even if your partner has your back, keep up with your own responsibilities so they can live their life, too. Dumping your daily tasks on them, Palmer says, is a one-way ticket to Splitsville.
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