How do you fall in love?

Yes….anybody? An answer for the question above? How do you fall in love?

Or….you thought I was going to answer it? Me?? That's almost amusing!

All I know about love slightly exceeds what I know about fashion, and what I know about fashion can fit on the head of a pin. Truly!

Okay, so since there are no volunteers, let's have a look at how we fall in love. If you have never fallen in love then this is definitely not going to help you in any way. If you have fallen in love before then I expect you'll be looking at me with a great deal of pity. But that's fine…I can't see you anyway.

First of all, have we agreed that love is good? That love is sweet? That love is desirable? That if you lack love in your life you are one messed up human being? I can't hear you….okay, I'll take that muffled mumble as a yes.

Does falling in love start with what you see? Well, to quote Hannibal Lecter, we covet what we see. True, I guess. We like to say that we fall in love with minds and not with physical appearances, but the fact is that a lot of first impressions ARE physical, innit?

Does falling in love start with what a person says? The content? The quality of the voice? That happens too you know. It could be a strident voice, concert party style, or it could be a sultry voice, Barry White style. Or simply an interesting voice, the kind that makes you raise your head to see who is speaking. I find that is something that happens to me a lot. Interesting voices I mean….not falling in love….although, that too.

How about arranged love? You know, arranged marriages in one form or the other. And does a blind date fall into that category?

All love be love…or?

Some would say that love is not that big a deal, but that it's the process of falling in love that is a big deal. Not that I know what the process entails; I'm just another man, a descendant of one Adam (P.O. Box Garden of Eden). I usually wait for the woman to tell me: "We're in love", and then I go, "Yaaaayyyy!"

The process of falling in love is a bit like the thrill of the chase for a man when he is after a woman. It's the whole process of the first sighting, introductions, initial shyness, first proper raps, pushing raps, and then the ultimate destination. For some men, the first landing ends everything. They've touched down, and there's nothing after that. For these men, there's always the thrill of the chase. Of course, that's lust, not love. But we do tend to mix up the two things. Although, I read somewhere recently that all men are in love for an hour before and an hour after each org….! I have no idea what that means.

Now if there is a process of falling in love then it pre-supposes that there are two people (at least). Would you agree that it is possible for two people to fall in love at the same time? I guess….If that is true then sometimes the whole so-called process of falling in love is actually like pushing on an open door: no resistance. Or to use someone else's words about falling in love, a duel of wits between unarmed opponents. Doesn't that mean two fools falling in love?

I read a wonderful description of what love is recently. It's from The Spy by Paulo Coelho: "Never fall in love. Love is a poison. Once you fall in love, you lose control over your life-your heart and mind belong to someone else. Your existence is threatened. You start to do everything to hold on to your loved one and lose all sense of danger." Yeah, I can dig that…I think.

But there's an even better one by Jackie Collins in Lucky: "Falling in love is like getting hit by a large truck and yet not mortally wounded. Just sick to your stomach, high one minute, low the next. Starving hungry, but unable to eat. Hot, cold, forever horny, full of hope and enthusiasm, with momentary depressions that wipe you out. It is also not being able to remove the smile from your face, loving life with a mad passionate intensity, and feeling ten years younger.

"Love does not appear with any warning signs. You fall into it as if pushed from a high diving board. No time to think about what's happening. It's inevitable. An event you can't control. A crazy, heart-stopping, roller-coaster ride that just has to take its course." Wow! Now that is a description I can experience!

I thought I had found love, oh, at least 16,550 times in my lifetime, but it turns out it was just unapologetic lust. Pity. It was fun. Pre-pubescent, pre-teen, teen, pre-adult, adult, old man! Hey baby, it's all the same lust that we conveniently name love and romance. Okay, that's just the cynic in me hanging out.

I should mention though that the first time I had diddums with a member of the opposite sex I was so thrilled that all I could think of was, "Do other people know about this thing??" And that is why I agree and must remember the wise words from S.J. Perelman: "Love is not the dying moan of a violin; it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring."

One thing I do know for sure is that you will almost certainly never find love by chasing it. You simply need to open your heart and love will somehow find its way in there. And as I once read in Readers Digest: The most important thing in life is to love someone. The second most important thing in life is to have someone loving you. The third most important thing in life is to have the first two happening at the same time.

So where does that leave unrequited love? You know, the one-sided love that is the cause of many a permanent heartache. You know, the one which is not openly understood or reciprocated by the loved party. You know, the one which may be consciously rejected by the loved party. You know, the one which you must endure in secondary school otherwise you have NOT attended secondary school! How many of you remember your first crush??

Love….hmmmm. When I finally found it, or what I still believe was 'it', 'it' took my breath away so many times that my family and friends thought I had asthma.

I know I haven't answered my own question, but I hope I've made you think about it a little bit. So the next time you are tempted to say, "I love you", look inside your head, your heart, your stomach, and possibly your ring finger before you open your mouth.

And when I think that all this happens when there are two main genders, male and female….my mind cannot begin to comprehend what might happen if there was a third God-created gender.