How to inject Moshisha 

This thing is still annoying me o; you go to buy waakye at Adabraka; you see few people before it gets to your turn and yet one person will be buying for about ten people. Just this morning, it happened again.

My problem is that if the person buying for ten people is a lady, it’s better managed than a man in tie buying for 12 people. In fact, I almost told the guy in jest that he should open a restaurant. What’s that! A guy buying food for 12 people to his office? How? 

Taking injections by especially boy children had never been a pleasant experience for boy children. Kai. The worst part is where the nurse would break the neck of the brown chloroquine bottle, put the needle into it and show it to you and pop small out of the syringe. I don’t know why they did that; it was as if to scare you or the malaria away. 

I vividly recall a day in 1985 when one of the greatest Ghanaian medical doctors, Dr Sogbordjor prior to asking whether I was allergic to chloroquine and I said yes but still went ahead to make the nurses inject me because he knew I was lying! Injections? Hmmm! 

 About two decades ago, I met a first-year medical student who was an intern in one of the hospitals. I think as part of their training during the internship, they are to learn how to give injections to patients.

Two weeks after I went back to the same hospital I was told the guy had been sacked by the hospital authorities. Reason? He was asked to inject a certain woman who had a very huge back bigger than that of Moshisha’s and instead of focusing on the syringe or the flesh to inject, he was standing there laughing at what he was seeing to the amazement and amusement of other patients and paramedics.

That was the end of his medical career o. The hospital authorities reported him to his university authorities for unprofessional ‘internship conduct’. He is now a music sound engineer. Devi gbegble!

This week a guy was reported to have commented on radio why he could not be a medical doctor and cited the reason being the fact that he could not stand to treat women. I think I have the same reason for not choosing medicine as my profession especially in the specialized field of gynaecology. Kai! Like the profession go spoil, I suwear! Hahaaa!  

Do you remember that my Auntie who was asked to take her medications one hour after leaving the hospital by the doctor? By the doctor’s estimation, by the time she gets to Tema roundabout on her way to Aflao, she would have done one hour of the journey and needed to take her medications.

So the instruction was simple: ‘take your medication when you get to the Tema roundabout’. As simple as that! She ended up oversleeping in the trotro and woke up only when the trotro got to Ada.

Come and see this woman shouting on top of her voice, asking the trotro driver to send her back to Tema roundabout bcos that is where the doctor said she should take the medicine. No amount of explanation would make her understand o; after all the medicine works only at Tema roundabout as far as she is concerned. Hmmm!

 Would you believe what I saw when this woman’s funeral was held recently? People who claimed they were helping with the cooking and other chores were just pilfering small small ingredients meant to serve people la. There was this woman who was just pilfering every little food in sight.

Apparently she hadn’t realised that I was watching. First she managed to scoop some corn dough into a polythene bag and hid it somewhere; I saw her. The next thing, I saw, she managed to tie a bottle of malt in her cloth; I was still watching and she looked so busy apparently instructing nobody!

She looked too pious to be doing that but…hmmm. Awwww…Kofi King Arthur should be winning the songwriter of the year by now against 2020 GVMA Awards for that his latest song. 

I devised a strategy to ‘punish’ this woman. This ‘Christian woman’ again went for a big polythene bag and fetched plenty nkyinam into it. Fried fish that could feed at least 8 people satisfactorily o; she alone had hijacked thinking no one was watching her. People are bad o.

She went to hide it in some one small corner. I also quietly went to pick it and hid it at a different place. Later in the day, when the funeral was over and everybody was about going home, this woman alone, like an antelope that has lost its way after a hunter’s gunshot had scared her, was moving about looking for something she could not ask anybody about.

Perhaps I was the only one who knew what she was looking for. She would go up and down sweating but as to whatever it was, she could not tell anybody. I didn’t want to laugh for her to see or else she could suspect me and feel embarrassed. I would turn my head away, laugh small and turn to her direction with a straight face.

At some point, almost everyone had left the funeral ground and she was still looking for her ‘booty’ to take home. Ao! That day I remember not many people got food to eat bcos fish had ran out bcos of the greed of just one church woman. I know her paa – she goes to church like the way I go to work – very religious. You see why blaming some of our leaders alone for corruption is ungodly?

 That was the reason I could not write about the Black Satellites last week because I was sad and couldn’t write anything apart from that useless article titled ‘something something’. 

Do you remember it was on October 16, 2009 or so, ten years ago when the Ghana Under 20 Team made the whole Africa proud? Yes, we were down by one man against a colossal soccer side Brazil, the favourites of the Tournament in Egypt.

Already Brazil had an advantage but Sellas Tetteh Borborr was not perturbed; even if he was, he did not show it. He was rather strengthened. As rightly put by the scriptures: ‘let the weak say ‘I am strong’. I could virtually hear Captain Andre Dede Ayew screaming, ‘guys, play, don’t play as our lives depend on the outcome of this game’.

The game was sweeter. Before the game, I had had that vu-vu-vam experience for the first time in my life having to drive at a speed of 150km plus from Hohoe to Tema roundabout cutting short an official trip; at that time the road was a bit better than the stone quarry it seems to be now. I just wanted to get to Accra early to watch the match. It was a suicidal speed. The passion for football can kill o. Hmmm! 

Samuel Inkoom, the smallish one who likes ‘big things’, Daniel Adjei (goal pipa), Dominic Adiyiah, Jonathan Mensah (my most composed and disciplined player to date), David Addy, Abeiku Quansah, Opoku Agyemang, Latif Salifu, Ghandi Dassenu, Mohammed Rabiu, Daniel Opare, Philip Boampong, Robert Dabuo, John Benson, Ransford Osei, Bright Addae, Godson Awako,  who else? Was Clifford Aboagye part of the Team? Me I forget o. Who was shown the red card? God bless that player. I think it is Daniel Addo or? 

But for a squad that was down by one man needed to do what it takes to tame a lion in order to feed it with jollof rice without fresh meat! 

In life it always appears as though when you are physically down, that is it but the Black Satellites proved everyone wrong. I recently saw the video of the famous penalty shoot outs and it felt like yesterday. The tension…is it Africa…the commentary box was asking, not the commentator….yes it is…it is Africa…Ghana! That was after Agyeman Badu’s final winning kick. 

I jumped out of my room to the main road and almost got crashed by two taxi cabs coming from two opposite directions speeding like the rate at which I sped from Hohoe to Tema roundabout all in ecstasy.

It’s been ten years and I still cannot do away with that nostalgic feeling especially as I continue to watch the video of the winning penalty shoot outs on social media!

Greetings o Andre Dede Ayew. Happy birthday to my man who is the world acclaimed Chairman of the Useless Column Fun Club, Mr Paul Ampadu-Yeboah or is it Yeboah-Ampadu? He is the man behind the ‘man’ with ‘useless’ ideas. Hahaaaa! He is so particular about safety that he can be driving a car, put on his seatbelt and still wear helmet!

Double protection. It’s little wonder he is an Insurance Practitioner who believes risks can occur anywhere and at any time hence the need to be protected all the time! Sir, please what else do you ‘protect’? Hahaaaa! Mr Ampadu is one of the wisest men I have ever come across yet he is the Chairman of the Useless Column Fun Club – the irony of life! Hahaaaaa!