Like many of the memorable conversations we have had on the Super Morning Show, this one started as a post on social media. Before anyone could say Jack, it had yielded thirty thought-provoking tips from a trained therapist, for a thriving relationship/marriage in 2024.

The post read, 'Relationship mistakes you must be repeated in 2024… I’ll go first: never spend money on a woman who is not yours”.

Within minutes of posting it, I had received over a hundred comments either critiquing my suggestion or offering tips of their own on relationship gaffes that must be left firmly behind in 2023.

Naturally, the strong reactions set me thinking: what would this conversation be like if we had it on air? The Super Morning Show team crafted a discussion around the topic of relationship mistakes to avoid in 2024 and roped in renowned marriage counsellor and woman of God, Reverend Mrs Catherine Onwioduokit, aka Mama Cathy as our indefatigable resource person. But not even in our wildest dreams could we have predicted the deep well of insight and sage advice that Mama Cathy had up her sleeve.

By the end of the discussion, our message boards were inundated with requests for copies of the audio file to be shared with thoroughly impressed listeners who wanted to play back Mama Cathy’s thirty tips for their friends and loved ones.

Now, you know us, we never like to keep the good news to ourselves, so here’s a summary of Mama Cathy’s 30 Relationship Mistakes that should not make a comeback in 2024.

• Don’t Rush Into Relationships with Unhealed People.

Previous heartbreak can take a heavy toll on the emotional well-being of potential partners. Mama Cathy advises those affected to seek help before venturing into new relationships. She also advises us to engage in conversations that will expose any past trauma in the people we consider dating in 2024.

• Don’t Enter a Relationship Just to Prove a Point to Your Ex

As the counsellor puts it, the best revenge is to become successful. Do the personal work and become a more accomplished, more desirable version of yourself that does not need the validation of a previous partner to be happy.

• Don’t Take Advantage of Your Spouse:

Life happens in seasons. It is not sustainable for one partner to be exclusively burdened with responsibilities, while the other enjoys the benefits.

• Don’t Act Single:

That is actually an abuse of the relationship, according to Mama Cathy. Being committed to another person means you can no longer do only the things you want to do. Your partner/spouse’s needs and feelings must be considered in all your decisions.

• Don’t Be Unreliable:

Your partner must trust you. If they cannot rely on you to keep your word, there can be no stability in the relationship you are building together.

• Don’t Fail To Communicate

Communication in a relationship is like blood in a human body. Those days of “as for me, my thoughts are in my head”, and lying that there’s nothing wrong when there obviously is, should be left firmly in the past. As the woman of God puts it, “if you cannot communicate, don’t marry”.

• Don’t Entertain Third Parties:

You should not be closer to anyone than you are to your spouse. Respect boundaries and be careful whom you share your marriage/relationship problems with.

• Don’t Be Disrespectful:

Respect, according to the Reverend Mrs. Onwioduokit, is far more important to men in a relationship than anything else. Of course, women value respect too, but she warns that when a man feels disrespected, a marriage will collapse.

• Don’t Marry Without Full Disclosure:

First, know the right questions to ask. You are marrying a person’s character and values, not their physical attributes. So your focus should be more on what your potential spouse believes in, rather than – as Mama Cathy eloquently puts it – “how their front and back balances”.

• Don’t Date Anyone Without Considering The Lives of Your Future Children

It’s usually the last thing we think about when our minds are drowning in the seductive juices of new love, But Mama Cathy wants us to take a moment to look at the person we are considering as a partner and ask ourselves what sort of parent they would be because the most abiding legacy of every marriage is the children. There should be no margin of error in ensuring they turn out right.

• Don’t Obsess Over Pre-marital Sex:

It is a sign of dysfunction to assume that a pre-marital relationship cannot survive without sex – especially since many fully married couples can hardly find time, amidst their busy schedules and financial stresses, to be intimate with each other. It is a sound strategy to keep sex off the table until after marriage so that the courtship period can be spent getting to know the things that matter about each other’s characters and personalities. Which leads us nicely to….

• Don’t Use Pre-Marital Relationships for Honeymoon:

Do this, and you will be forced to use your marriage for courtship. Focus your dating time on getting to know your future spouse, because if you get distracted by the romance, by the time you end up married to a stranger, it will be too late.

• Don’t Be Lazy:

This is going to be a tough year for our economy. So you can’t leave the whole financial burden on one spouse. Do something. Make moves. Generate money. Feelings don’t pay rent.

• Don’t Forget to Compliment Your Partner:

Many relationships have suffered and died from what Mama Cathy calls “the kwashiokor of lack of appreciation”. Couples must learn to speak to each other as the Kings and Queens they want their partners to be. If you want a great partner, speak him/her greatness into existence, after all, “a closed mouth is a closed destiny”.

• Don’t keep friends your partner disapproves of:

Who you are reflects on your partner, and a big part of your identity is shaped by the company you keep, so make no mistake, what your partner thinks about your friends matters a lot. Find out exactly why they dislike that particular friend of yours, and if necessary, use 2024 as an opportunity to refresh your friend list. Leave and cleave doesn’t only apply to parents.

• Don’t Date a Person Who Has No Empathy/Respect For You:

We often tolerate disrespectful or inconsiderate behaviour from people we feel attracted to. Do not let such red flags slip past your defences in 2024.

• Don’t Entangle With a Parasite Or a Stingy Person:

Some people are lakes into which all rivers flow. They take, take, take and give nothing back. Others have enough to share, but are simply too miserly to give. Avoid both types at all costs in 2024. Oh, and this point is not just about money.

• Don’t be with an Obsessive, Possessive Person:

Some people have deep-seated abandonment issues from childhood that they have failed to resolve. This manifests in their adult relationships as obsessive behaviour and over-possessiveness. They will sit on your happiness and call it love. The thing is, if they have lived this long without confronting this dysfunctional behaviour, they are not about to suddenly deal with it in 2024. Mama Cathy says, give such people a wide berth.

• Don’t Be With a Proud/Arrogant Partner:

There is nothing you can do with a person who never accepts their faults. If they believe they are never wrong, then they think they are perfect. Perfection cannot be improved, so such a person is literally at the peak of their evolution. This is the best they will ever be. Who wants an asset that can never be appreciated?

• Don’t Marry out of Sympathy:

This is a recipe for long-term disappointment. If you know that your partner only sees your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and feels you would be lost without him/her in your life, that is a recipe for lifelong over-dependency, and the inevitable by-product of such dependency is disappointment. Similarly, learn to recognize the difference between feeling love for someone and feeling sorry for them. Choosing a partner because you feel sorry for them will lead to resentment.

• Don’t Date an Entitled Person:

Some people believe they have already earned your love, just by being good-looking or intelligent or wealthy. Good luck trying to get such a person to make any kind of effort in your relationship – especially when problems come.

• Don’t Be A Pushover:

Men especially, need to learn that being agreeable and permissive has its serious downsides. The truth is that women prefer a man with boundaries. They interpret it as strength, and a strong man is always attractive. Also, even though a submissive woman is of value to men, ladies demonstrate their loyalty by setting boundaries for other men outside their relationship. So… boundaries for the win…

• Don’t Be With An Unsupportive Spouse:

Marriage is not a solo act. Why would you choose a partner who will make you go it alone? You might as well have married yourself. Now, on the flip side…

• Don’t Forget To Support Your Spouse:

Take every opportunity to show them how much you appreciate them. Don’t exclude them from your thoughts, feelings and plans. In 2024, we don’t want to hear any more stories of people dying and leaving unclaimed money in inaccessible bank accounts, just because while they were alive, they kept their wealth and assets secret from their spouses. I mean, who does that? Certainly not you, right?

• Don’t Forget to Seek Help:

We are all not okay. We all need help with something. Thinking we can grow, evolve or heal without help is rather conceited and, more importantly, completely wrong. Also, in a committed relationship, you owe it to each other to be the best versions of yourselves at all times. So seeking professional help with your issues is an obligation you have to your relationship/marriage.

• Don’t Forget Life Happens in Seasons:

The “morning of your life is when you are a child, dependent on others to survive. The “afternoon” of your life is your productive years, you find a career and a spouse and you have kids. It is also the time during which you make provision for the “evening” of your life. This is a fact you must be conscious of when choosing s partner in 2024. Look carefully at the choice you are considering. Can you stand to grow old with this person by your side? If the answer is anything but a resounding yes, then should you spend any more of your time driving down that cul-de-sac?

• Don’t Prioritise Your Comfort over Their Character:

Yes, times are hard, but don’t let the fact that your love interest caters to your physical and material needs blind you to the red flags that will make life with them an eternal misery.

• Don’t Hang Around Insecure People:

How does your partner react when you chalk up successes? Do they celebrate with you by saying things like “You got a promotion? Well done. I guess they know that place would collapse without you”, or do they try to bring you down to their level with snide comments like “Ei, they promoted you? Your employers must have a lot of money to spare…”? In 2024, remember this warning from Mama Cathy: “If they have never encouraged you, don’t marry them”.

• Don’t Copy Your Parents Blindly and Repeat Their Mistakes:

Understand that your parents lived in a different time. There was no social media, and nowhere near the access we have to technology today. Your parents didn’t have to compete with the social media profiles and posts of wealthy men and naked women for the attention of their spouse. If you expect your partner to behave with you the way your parents behaved with each other, you are simply setting each other up to fail.

• Don’t Forget To Be Romantic:

There will be so many distractions in this inevitably challenging year that you will both have to be deliberate about making time for each other. Husbands, make an effort to come home early once or twice a week and just sit with your wives for an hour. Wives, give your men a pedicure once a week (this is so effective because it combines several love languages – acts of service, physical touch, quality time, plus you can always throw in a few words of affirmation and “gift” him a happy ending). But even if you fail to stick to this routine in 2024, don’t fail with Mama Cathy’s secret recipe for a happy marriage: Date Night. No matter your budget or time constraints, do not compromise on this. What better affirmation and validation of your love than knowing you are married to someone you still want to date?