Mawuli Zogbenu: I died in the Atlantic Ocean

Mawuli Zogbenu

Charlie, Freddie, the thing pascal o! Hehehehehehe! A Pandora box has been opened and some men are beginning to tremble when they remember the ‘manifestoes’ they whispered into the ears of ladies during that period of sweetness. It’s about time to take stock! The good news is that in my own case, I only owe someone a home-used deep freezer I promised her.

She wanted to use it to sell frozen chicken and I promised her at that time that the sweetness level was high. I didn’t have tiiin in my bank account. The good news for me is that she now owns a large cold store she put together on her own. Lucky me. Clap for every woman who is focused! They don’t rely on men to make a living. Or else by now, hehehehe! You don’t have kapr3, sempua or daama, yet you want to buy a fridge!

This weekend, go sweet rough! At least, the pressure on guest houses and movie houses will reduce small. Many men are afraid maybe just this weekend and the next. Every Friday night these places are fully booked. You pass here, no space. You pass there, no space! Ah! The problem is that some of us including me, we don’t learn from other people’s problems.

If you have not been ‘cot’ yet, just pray against being caught. Korjo, I know you are not more morally correct than anyone! It is only the mercy of God that your won has not come out; pray it doesn’t and repent because ‘Sin fascinates and assassinates’.! You are lucky the one you went in for is a more mature person who understands and respects your family and did not want to scatter your home! To show appreciation to her, abeg, this January salary, give her 50% as your tithe! Hahaaaaa!  

I told you the first time I swam in the Atlantic Ocean was during my national service days in 2001. I nearly drowned after getting drunk from a fruit juice my friends secretly laced with alcohol knowing very well I don’t take alcohol. Talk about friends? Subject for discussion on another day! After sipping the fruit juice, the feeling was so good.

All of a sudden, I became so excited and danced to any music that does not even concern me. When I moved one leg, the other one was heavy and refused to move. Then I dived into the ocean. Only God saved me o. If someone may be ‘cot’ drowning, make sure it is not you in an ad hoc ‘cotship’. That is why by the special grace of God, guest houses are likely to have low patronage this weekend because ‘we are afraid’ and currently taking stock of our ‘previous manifestoes’ coming back to haunt us.

Looks like most men can’t see well when broke and in times of difficulty o. Is it ‘glaucoma’, cataract or peer pressure? When things improve small norrr, our distins begin to itch! You would notice that suddenly we don’t see any better domestic joy at home. Remember your wife is the one who would genuinely pray for you to succeed. But the moment you begin to entertain other women who would come your way p3, chances are that your wife’s bombom will not be seen clearly again.

The joy you get from outside the home begins to take you away from home. Ei, Samivi, don’t you care about the future of your children? That other young lady will take your joy away o, yoo. Once in a while, you can go and ‘eat’ at the movie house and pray for forgiveness which we don’t do anyway!

But don’t make it a hobby as it can ruin your home and who knows – your job! Some of the single young girls some men date actually would have loved marriage to you especially if the unnecessary relationship lasts for 3 months plus and is sweet! Wait a minute o, I hope I am not the one writing this o or? Hahaaaa! It’s Fridayyyyyyy and it’s time to take it easy on ourselves.

Don’t kill yourself because of problems. They won’t stop coming but we can control that thing in between our thighs; it doesn’t have sense especially because of its MoU with the eyes and what they see!

 To my nieces, don’t accept that ‘it shall be well’ national anthem from guys who come your way when they are already broke o. Chances are that majority of them will not remember you when it ‘becomes well’ and you may not be able to sue them.

One of the things I could not and still cannot talk about in the presence of my parents or siblings is anything about sex. I can’t say it even now that I am approaching my 48th birthday. Yeeei! It just occurred to me that, I have just a little over 12 more years to retire! And what have I achieved sef? Like my friend, Wuli’s achievements, when he is feeling bored, he starts writing in his old diaries the names of all the ladies he has done something sweet with before.

If the number is 38, he would give himself 2 weeks to hit the target of 40! He started with a target of 20! Now he is seriously struggling with HIV! The thing still dey o; don’t jeopardise the future of your children and other people who depend on you.

Sex education should be included in our curriculum though nobody taught me but I managed to learn it on my own! The things we are not taught, we learn on our own and mostly the wrong way.

I visited my senior sister, Lisa some time back and was shocked when she told me about how a herbalist had been so helpful to Nana Yaw, her son, my nephew. According to my sister, Nana Yaw, 14 and half years old, complained to her how his manhood ‘could not stand upright’ for long. Ei! Hmmmm! Before I could even probe further and carried away by the ‘success story’, she called Nana Yaw to come and narrate his own story to Uncle Mawuli.

I asked Nana Yaw, “so what was your problem?” His response which I would try to paraphrase “Oh, at a point, any time my girlfriend visited me and I wanted to perform, the thing rises and upon entry, it ‘frowns’ and drops leaving my girlfriend very dissatisfied”. Ei, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. ‘You even have a girlfriend at age 14?’ I soliloquized! And then I probed further.

“So what happened afterwards? I quizzed to which he responded sharply and with so much ease in the presence of the mother “Oh after my Mum sent me to the herbalist who administered some herbs, now I can ‘stand on my feet as a man and able to ‘deliver’”. Man, or sorry, boy, at age 14?

This ‘Nana Yaw Declaration’? Hmmm!

I was happy because this was a teenager who identified a sexual problem early and drew his mother’s attention to it for a possible cure. Sad because at his age, one would have expected some chastity and sexual discipline and the mother seemed to be encouraging him.

Recognising the fact that early reproductive health education was necessary, it still beats my imagination and that has made it difficult to probe further into how old his girlfriend is. He, at age 14, chances are that the girlfriend may be about the same age or less and understands what sexual satisfaction is. Herh! What a modern world! Is it or rather to our advantage? The reason I am asking is that maybe several others may be doing this and keeping it away from their parents, especially those whose parents are affluent enough to assign a separate room for their teenagers– this is where there could be problems.

Nana Yaw, my dear nephew, I am still hoping that you are not ‘useless’ but I am worried!

The most important thing is that even teenagers have come to know that there is a ‘short-term’ solution to long-term problems. Our aphrodisiac dealers, I beg, teenagers are picking it up regardless of the age caveat of 18 and above, because this may compound their problems in the future oo!

If you have a teenage boy, find a surreptitious way of knowing whether ‘he is standing well on his feet’; on the other hand, if you have a teenage girl, find a nice way of checking what she has on her smartphone.

Ah! Next week is still January? Soo annoying! Mapon!

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DISCLAIMER: The Views, Comments, Opinions, Contributions and Statements made by Readers and Contributors on this platform do not necessarily represent the views or policy of Multimedia Group Limited.