Twenty-some years ago, I was driving down the highway very early in the morning. I was a senior pediatric resident at Children’s Hospital in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and was trying to get to work early enough to check on the younger residents’ patients before I started morning rounds. It was spring and I was pregnant with our second child. I was driving about 60 mph in a 65mph zone when I saw, with my peripheral vision, a friend trying to pass me in the left-hand lane on her way to make rounds. Before a conscious thought was registered, my right foot reacted and my accelerator pedal pressed toward the floor. My car went from 60 to 65 mph. I didn’t want her to pass me. No sooner had I accelerated than she sped up to 68. Then I moved to 70 and she to 75. Since it was probably only 6 a.m., we were lucky enough not to be stopped by the police. The most peculiar part of the exchange is that neither of us would acknowledge the other’s presence. Each time I sped up, I pretended not to notice that she was trying to pass me. And she did the same to me. We women are clever at pretending not to notice the most obviously ridiculous things. After nine miles of cat and mouse, we flew our cars into the parking garage, hustled through the emergency room (still not acknowledging that we were racing), and made it to our respective hospital floors. I had to show her and myself that I was more on top of my game than she was and vice versa. After all these years, neither of us will admit what we did (at least to each other). How ridiculous can two grown women be? Very ridiculous, because that is what competition brings out in us. This is the frenetic mother culture in which you and I live: Improve our kids, don’t let them miss out. Make them more, get them more, and watch them more. Be a better mom, be a more successful mom, do something every day to improve something about them and us because—that’s what we are supposed to do. Our competitive nature is important to contain because it affects how we spend our money, how we love, whether we can simplify our lives, how we practice our faith, and much more. As young girls, we learn that competition is good. Being competitive professionally can be good, as long as healthy boundaries are maintained. But when it comes to being competitive in relationships as mothers, we always lose. Always. Three ways to cut out competition Competition is a powerful force, and it has the potential to destroy. But once it’s confronted and brought out in the open, it can be surprisingly easily overcome. Jealousy between mothers, especially, is ugly stuff and there is no place for it. But most of us harbor it to one degree or another because we are women who want life to go well, and when we think we see someone else get everything so easily, we want what she has. But it doesn’t have to be that way. 1. Recognize jealousy and don’t be fooled. The first and most important step in changing any bad habit is recognizing it. This can be the toughest part of the change for us mothers who are busy. The busyness of life sweeps us away and we often act without thinking. In order to uncover the first inklings of competition in us, we must be able to recognize the symptoms. And these are rooted in the thoughts and feelings we have as we interact with other mothers—particularly ones we meet for the first time. There are twinges of irritation, anger, and annoyance, as well as a desire to gossip, backstab, or criticize, when we first feel jealousy. The tricky part is that we don’t identify them as jealousy, so that’s why we must be on the ball. Once we see that jealousy is at the root of the feelings, then we know that we are already competing with another mom. Only when we see this dynamic can we begin to stop it. 2. Focus on fullness, not emptiness. Happy people are fun to be around. If you listen to them for a while—a day or a week—you’ll see that happy people rarely complain. Why? Because they focus more on what’s positive in life rather than on what’s negative. This can be easier or harder for some mothers, depending upon our personality type, life circumstances, or health issues. But each of us can cultivate a more positive attitude. Regardless of who we are, it requires work. Competitive mothers have many things in common and one of the most glaring is an intentional focusing on what they don’t have rather than the great things they do have. And so much of what competitiveness prompts us to focus on is silly, if not outright ridiculous. I have seen mothers with fabulous children and kind husbands bemoan the size of their homes, their figures, or their lack of nicer clothes. When you find yourself bemoaning something small, or even something larger like your health or job, make a deliberate effort to refocus on what you have. Write down what you are grateful for. Look at it in black and white and if you do this small exercise consistently, your thinking will change. Feeling competitive with other moms will fade away over time. And positive thought patterns will become more routine, more second nature. I have never met a mother who has done this exercise and not felt more positive about life. So regardless of your attitude, focus on what you have, not what you don’t have. Do this for three to four weeks and wait to see what happens to your mood. 3. Be deliberate in kindness. Doing kind things for others is always good, and acting kindly toward a mother with whom we compete helps our relationship and curbs the desire to compete. Sometimes we have difficulty finding positive things to say about another whom we envy. We can become so wrapped up in feeling negative, in finding fault with another, that the only banter we engage in is negative. That’s why we have another option. We can act on their behalf. We can do well by that person. And sometimes this works to improve their love, our lives, and our relationship with them even more powerfully than simply praising them. Words can be cheaper than actions, though not necessarily less sincere. Being kind to loved ones is easy, and it makes us feel good because when they are happier, we feel happier. Helping good friends and loved ones can be a bit self-serving because we usually reap great rewards for our kindness toward them. Either we directly benefit from it, or they return the favor. But the real test comes when we reach out on behalf of those we don’t really like. And most often we don’t really like the mothers of whom we’re jealous. So if we want to get rid of our jealousy, the best way to shovel out the root of the feelings is to find something very nice to do for the other mother. In the end, we need to remember that everything we need comes from God. Once we do this, we can be content knowing that who we are and what we have is plenty enough. If we can recognize our value as mothers and treasure everything we do have in our lives, we are complete and can enjoy other mothers for who they are. We can let friendships thrive and let real joy enter our lives.