‘I’ve been anxious to meet my dad all these years. I feel so bad when I think of the fact that I do not know my dad. My mum is not the kind who will spread bad news about people. And definitely my dad will be the last person she’s about to bad mouth even though their relationship fell on the rocks’.

These are some of the words you probably may hear people who have grown up to realize the vacancies their ‘runaway’ fathers have left. The love, the care, the emotional build-up, the feeling that there’s a man to straighten you up when you’re wrong so mummy and external family members will not be under pressure to raise you up; nothing can replace that and it really becomes a real test of forgiveness. Because whether or not you like it the heat of bitterness that boils within the heart is hot enough to cause a heart attack. 

Usually, there’s this general perception that a lot of fathers have reneged on their responsibilities; the reason fathers’ day is probably not popular. And it’s hard to forgive when you know he could have done better and I guess it’s hard to understand.

A friend told me of her sad experience. Her name is Akosua. She didn’t know her dad until when she got to the Senior High School. For her, the most depressing moment of her life was when Church service was over one Sunday. After the service, her best friend’s dad was at the entrance of the youth service waiting for her. Akosua recalls, her friend’s dad gave his daughter a big kiss plus a hug and just asked her from afar how she (Akosua) was doing.

She kept asking herself questions. ‘Why hasn’t my dad showed up? Why hasn’t my mum even made an effort to show me at least where I could get him? And why haven’t I received such tender care and love from a man I can call father, even if he’s not my real dad?’ The questions went on and on for the rest of the evening.

Akosua tells me she eventually met her dad later; still in her teens. But at that time, there really was no bond.

For Benewaa, her mum later showed up in her life at the age of 20. Benewaa had been living with an auntie who never really treated her well. But what choice did she have? After all, she had a place to lay her head, clothes to put on and something to eat so bad treatment did not matter much.

One morning, she was there when her mum showed up. To cut this long story short, she told Benewaa she didn’t have money to take care of her when she was born and besides her grannies always gave her trouble because she got pregnant with a man the family did not approve. The best she could do was to give her off to her well to do auntie who treated her like rags.

Nothing could make Benewaa forgive her mum who in her view had failed to show all the characteristics of being a woman. It’s difficult to forgive in such scenarios.

For me, these tests come in different forms and at different stages of our lives. Some could be easily forgiven but others feel like a part of your body is being taken with a sharp knife whilst you’re still alive and letting go is tough. But whatever be the case, I learnt that you actually set yourself free when you choose to stand strong and say; ‘It’s okay. I forgive him. I forgive her’. There’s no such freedom as that.

I’m sure you’re aware that when unforgiveness stays on with you, you develop bitterness. I guess you’re probably saying ‘Beatrice has no idea what she’s talking now. If she knew my circumstances, she would shut up’. Well, I may not possibly but I learnt that refusing to forgive probably hurts you more than the person who’s sinned against you. Call me names if you may because I’ve had my tough times trying to forgive sometimes but I think there’s always a way. People say where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Forgiveness I must say is one of the most difficult things to do but I also do know that the Test of Forgiveness will continue as long as we remain humans. Come on. Cheer up. Give yourself some break. Let it go.