Greetings o, Jeff Feneki! Hope Australia is fine, thank you and you?  Hahaaaaa! Why is it that apart from Zoom Zoom, any boxer who goes to show off his title to a top Statesman hardly wins any bouts thereafter? Why don’t they wait till they win more before rushing to go and meet our Excellencies? Anyway, I understand them; what if they don’t go now with their titles and then find it difficult to win anything afterward as has been the…? No boxer wants to greet the President with swollen faces after losing a bout or?…and the Professor beat them all!

Yesterday was your birthday, the world’s only professor of boxing, Professor Azumah Nelson. So soon, you have retired at age 60. I think I can now fight you. 60 vs 42! This is my prophetic two sure lotto numbers for you, Joe Asibi this weekend: 60-42. Try and perm it today and see if you won’t win. Zoom Zoom’s 60th birthday comes a day after my pal, Maximus Attah of ARB Apex Bank celebrated his 106th birthday on Wednesday. The way I used to beat that boy in boxing bouts back in Tek er! The uppercuts I gave that guy er, heheyyy!

Talk of boxing. Hmmm. ajeeeei! My boxing days were quite glorious even though I never won a fight especially with girls when wearing my nika boka shorts.

Oooo men oo men! I would never forget Christiana Quayye, that my P5 ‘boxing opponent’ whose path I vowed never to cross till we completed primary school at Anunmle 3 Primary School. You remember that girl? Chai! Some girls are strong ooo. Kai. Though I was younger, I saw Christie as a weaker vessel; after all she be girl! Weaker what? Please! Please! Please, don’t go there! Whaaat! She was a machine gun vessel!

I was for the afternoon shift in Anunmle 3 cyto Primary School where the morning shift guys would close and start singing and teasing the afternoon shift guys ‘shwane koko one thirty number 1 gboosh! In a quick rebuttal, we would also go like: ‘leebi onufu lee’. Hahaaa! I love cyto (public schools) rof. Cyto guys fear nothing and speak vernacular even in defence of attacks from their teachers for speaking vernacular. It is only in cyto that you could find a warning sign ‘NO SPEAKING OF VERNACULAR HERE’ and you would still find someone going boldly to ask the teacher ‘Prince Chicha, what is the Ga word for ‘vernacular’?

Christie was minding her own business when I went to provoke her by calling her ‘Abofu’, the name of the town she was residing at. That small town opposite the Achimota bus terminal to the right coming from the Achimota School Police station direction; it didn’t use to be a place many people respected oo. Today it is an elite community where rent is even quoted in dollars! Christie had previously warned me severally to stop calling her ‘Abofu’ but me? hmmm!

I ignored all her warnings and treated them with wanton disregard because I knew when it came to fighting, I would beat her to pulp because she was a girl. She go cry maaa maaa!

Indeed she was just waiting for yet another ‘Abofu’ comment from me and then she would…

‘Never say die like me’. Yes, I did shout ‘Abofu’ again and hell broke loose. Unfortunately for me, I was the first to throw my blows when she confronted me. Ei! Never again ooo.

Christie vex. She held me against the blackboard and all I could…seriously I couldn’t tell what I was seeing but I remember I was in trouble. I could hear internally generated sounds from my own body by kind courtesy an external force – Christie’s blows. I tried an uppercut but it got nowhere near cutting anything. I was only cutting myself, only worsening matters for myself. Kpaaa, gboom, gbam, kpam! My colleague class mates came to gather around to watch the fight in which I was at this point very sure of defeat.

At this point, I was expecting my cousin, Yawa Kpekpe to come and ‘pata’ (separate us) but she was also overpowered and thrown off by the blows of Christie. Christie was on rampage!

My best friend, Kpan, whom I thought was going to help save the situation for me, sadly was the one who galvanized our other class mates to come and watch the fight with the shouts and whistles of ‘pilipi lipi…hensor ‘pilipi lipi…hensor’– cheers of ‘carry on with the fight, jor’. Ei. You need to have attended a cyto to be familiar with these ‘violent poems or were they cheer songs’? Beatings be what! In the second round, I dazed not knowing where I was but my ‘fans’ continued to give me false hope and cheered me on even though I knew I was dying. This ego thing! I came to a realization that upon all my bragging, I needed to give up but I couldn’t afford to disappoint my ‘fans’ as I wanted to punish my opponent but I ended being punished. I was weak. They pushed me to her to go and beat her but deeeeep within me, I knew they wanted me to ‘suffer’ and die in this girl’s hands.

I staggered as though drunk, dazed! In my mind I was sure it was over but some unnecessary ego pumped into me by wicked family external forces masterminded by my ‘useless’ friends pushed me into the lion’s den. Christie continued to pound me. Nothing pained me more than the fact that Akorfa, the girl I had a crush on at the time also joined the ‘pilipi lipi…hensor cheers when clearly I was dying. Suro nipa oo, yoo!

With bruises and lacerations all over my body after I was saved by the teacher who had just entered the classroom, I retired to my seat and desk, by the grace of God after Christie had decided to grant me amnesty. Some of my mates came to me asking if ‘I would want to go for a second round’. ‘Devils, I called them’. Gborgborvon, sasabonsam fuo! Heerrrrrh!

After about 30 years, I met Christie recently; she has a huge supermarket in which she sells various stuff. We recognized each other immediately. My heart missed a beat. She wanted to hug me but I withdrew – who knows? What if it turns out to be an unsolicited rematch, I panicked but we reminisced together and friendship rekindled. Guess where I met her – Abofu! She was with her husband, Ayitey. Hmmm! This same Ayitey? I had a fight with him too before during which I beat him up mercilessly and often bragged about it. After having suffered defeat in the hands of Christie, that was when Ayittey had the opportunity to make fun of me with very provocative insinuations: ‘they beat somebody oo, manyaaaaaaa, kportorrrrrrrr, basaaaaa! All I could hear was kpan, gbum, gbam, kpaaa. They beat am ooo.’ E sweet me oo, hahaaa’, he mocked. After this, he turned to me to ask with his tongue out of his mouth in a manner to tease me: ‘e bi you they beat like that?…oh sorry okay’ At this stage, the scorn with which I looked at him er. As for Ayittey, what made me win a previous fight against him was the fact that he showed me all the strategies he was going to use to defeat me in the fight. He would go like: ‘I would hold your left arm, twist it to the right, and slide you to the ground. Thereafter, I would punch you in the face and pour sand into your mouth’. Why show all your strategies to your opponent in an impending fight? Bodi3nts3 mini? kw3!

If you’ve never been to cyto, I’m not too sure if I should say you were lucky or otherwise. Nobody separates fights in cyto. They rather encourage you to fight when you find yourself in the ring, in trouble with a stronger contender. Woe unto you if you were like me in any such cyto fights.

Growing up and entering a ‘useless’ relationship with some unnecessary girl; I never attempted beating her up. I tried to play a funny game with her one day in an arm wrestling game and I couldn’t continue because I saw disgrace coming; under the pretext of not wanting to hurt her, I bowed out. Me again? Never! I thought I was copying Azumah but I was wrong.

If ou have not been beaten by a girl before, arrange one especially when you are already drunk and weak. Most of us guys will not confess but once in a while in our school days, your ‘school wife’ or girlfriend but you were beaten up kportorrr. Shay shay shaaaaame!

Until we regroup next weekend, don’t attempt to beat even a small girl oo or you stand the risk of being embarrassed, big time. If they allow you to beat them, it may be out of respect for you. If in doubt, check the records from DOVVSU.

Prof Zoom Zoom, did you know that you were the first person to put sand in my eyes? Do you remember that feeling in your eyes when you are deeply asleep and you have to wake up in the middle of the night just to wait for Azumah’s fights? U feel there is sand in your eyes but Zoom Zoom will not allow you bcos you want to see him ‘kill’ his opponent first before you go back to sleep often just before daybreak. Prof was the first to give me such feeling. Those days nothing annoyed me more than those few bouts that preceded his turn.

When can we have any sportsman as patriotic as Zoom Zoom, the Professor with Ghana’s flag high up there? Maybe in the year 3018!