(A Dispatch from the Republic of Uncommon Sense)

Once upon a time in the Republic of Uncommon Sense, the Ministry of Education sharpened its scissors and declared—with all the seriousness of a national budget reading—that keeping schoolchildren’s hair short was the new blueprint for moral transformation. Yes, fellow citizens, the fight against corruption now begins at the scalp.

According to the directive, short hair would instill discipline, respect, and patriotism—virtues we’ve been unable to grow through pay, policy, or plain honesty. Somewhere in a ministry office, an official surely whispered, “If we can’t cut wastage, let’s at least cut something.”

THE GREAT MORAL HAIR THEORY

We are now to believe that the road from braided hair to bribery is short and slippery. That the length of one’s hairline determines the thickness of one’s moral fibre. That children who keep dreadlocks today will grow into adults who dread audits tomorrow.

Meanwhile, in the adult world, well-groomed gentlemen in Italian suits are signing double salaries with manicured hands and freshly powdered baldheads. The nation bleeds from the pockets, but take heart—our kids’ hairlines will soon be spotless.

As one village elder once said, “A dirty hand does not wash a clean face.”

THE MINISTRY OF APPEARANCES

In the Republic’s imaginary salon—fittingly called The Ministry of Appearances—the headmaster now doubles as Chief Barber. The morning parade begins not with a prayer or civic pledge, but with the new anthem: “Combs up, heads down, scissors salute!”

One poor boy was sent home because his sideburns had developed “unpatriotic tendencies.” Another girl was told her hair “showed signs of rebellion.” Yet, the classroom ceiling continues to leak colonial rainwater, and the science lab hasn’t seen a beaker since Rawlings’ era.

But yes—order has been restored.

THE ACHIMOTA DREADLOCKS CHAPTER

Once upon a court ruling, the Republic watched the Achimota Dreadlocks Saga—a debate that split the nation’s follicles. The courts chose faith over fade, and the nation went to bed with mixed feelings and tangled wigs. Now, we’ve come full circle. Religious freedom or not, the scissors of conformity hover once again.

If long hair violates school culture, shall we next outlaw hijabs in classrooms or cancel Sunday services in boarding schools? We trim the students’ heads in the name of “national identity,” while the adults lose their own heads in pursuit of foreign loans.

MADAM CIVICS AND THE FORGOTTEN CURRICULUM

Somewhere, Madam Civics—the forgotten teacher—watches her timetable shrink. Her class on Patriotism & Accountability is cancelled to make room for “Hair Inspection Rounds.”

The irony is so thick you could braid it. We spend forty minutes measuring hair, yet can’t find five minutes to measure conscience.

If grooming truly moulded character, then every barber should be a saint, and every hairdresser a life coach.

THE DOUBLE-SALARY UNCLE

But there he is—our alumnus, the one we now call “Double-Salary Uncle.” He returns to his alma mater for Career Day, bald head glistening with moral moisturizer, to preach integrity to children whose feeding grants are six months overdue from the buffer stock warehouse.

The students listen wide-eyed, taking notes under broken fans. Then he leaves—in a convoy bought with “unverified allowances.”

A smooth head does not make a smooth heart, the janitor of conscience whispers, sweeping both hair and hypocrisy from the school floor.

THE REAL SUBJECTS WORTH TEACHING

Perhaps what our schools need are not new barbers but new builders. Competitions in Science and Math. Awards for Civic Duty. Teacher welfare programs that don’t require begging the District Director. Rural school supervision that catches more absentees than goats. Patriotism Clubs that clean communities, not hairlines.

Because substance, not surface, is what moulds a nation’s conscience.

THE BARBER’S REPORT CARD

At the Ministry’s next inspection, the data will look glorious:

- Hair Compliance: 98%

- Civics Knowledge: 31%

- Science Fair Participation: 5%

- Corruption Perception Index: Still Burning

But never mind. As the Minister said, “The Ghanaian school environment is not for beauty contests.” Indeed. Because we have already turned it into a haircut competition.

FINAL SWEEP

And so, the janitor sweeps the last strands of “discipline” into the dustpan, right beside the shredded pages of the civics textbook. He looks up, sighs, and mutters to himself: “If the pot is cracked, polishing the lid won’t hold the soup.”

Good morning, Abusua. May we learn to cut wastage before we cut children’s hair.

Jimmy Aglah is a media executive, author and satirist behind The Republic of Uncommon Sense and Once Upon a Time in Ghana.