Opinion

Humour: Baba Born-Girls

Are you looking for a life partner be it for consumption or otherwise? Look no further as a 30-year old handsome, single, hardworking, God-fearing young man, a banker is looking for a cute, hairy, beautiful, well endowed and young black goat to buy for easter. Don’t ask me how!

My small sharpbrain friend called Admiral Zoogah, how na body? I hope your mother, Madam Florence Abagna says you didn’t invite anybody when you celebrated your birthday last Tuesday, is it true? Why don’t boys like birthday parties koraaa like that han? Admiral is a guy who went to kindergarten and during break time one day, he saw his class mate, a girl urinating and walked straight to her and told her with pride “herh Mavis, you too you have some? This one my mother has some; my mother own is black”. Herh Admiral, what is black? Akorla bonie!

Abeg, that is the reason we have to be careful how we expose our bodies in the presence of our children at home o. They see everything!

Even my under 4-year-old daughter now tells me ‘Daddy, please cover those useless things with your towel; you are embarrassing me’. Oh yes o. Hmmm.

Anyway, I know how I will deal with that girl, Ablavi. She’s now Ablaga o bcos her sister was also born on Tuesday too and so she would take the title Ablavi.

Do you remember in August 2016 when the sister, then Ablavi now Ablaga came to the world? The story from the day of conception to delivery to Nan 1, Nan 2, Nan 3, etc remain the same:

Bcos I enjoy the company of girls see what God gave me again oo. Another girl. My only fear is that when she grows up, boys may be doing her what I used to do to Ablavi and co. That my Ablavi chic sef, I still want to sack her but anytime I plan to do so, she will shake her these things in front of me and then I change my mind. What at all has this girl done to me han?

What spoil the matter koraa is that this new born daughter also arrived on Tuesday.

When she was in my wife’s belly, this woman would not let me be. ‘Bring me the towel, no drop it and bring the sponge first’. At night, that is when she would tell you she is feeling for banku and soup prepared from akrantie intestines. Soap could be so close to her and she would want me to pick it for her. She would eat her jollof rice with okro soup. I once returned home and saw her sitting outside the house with water in her hand in the hot sun. She would pour the water on the dry hot ground and inhale the petrichor. If you don’t know this small English, then… petrichor is that nice flavor you smell if water lightly pours on a dry and hot plain ground. You often would smell it when it drizzles slightly while the sun is still up. That is petrichor (pronounced ‘petrikor’). Repeat after me, let’s  go – ‘petrichor’. What did I say again? petrichor! Again? Hahaaaaaa! Brofo!

My pregnant wife once sent me to Adabraka to get her waakye in the green waakye leaves. I drove all the way to Adabraka from Weija and bought the waakye. On my way back, there was traffic congestion at Kaneshie. She called and was angry at the fact that it was taking me too long to bring her waakye to her. I sped home only for me to see her eating banku and akpakalami. She had changed her mind. Ei! what should I do with the waakye? I asked. She said I should give it to the neighbour’s dog called ‘Calendar’. Calendar refused to eat because the waakye pepper was as if it was for wee smokers – extremely hot!

Then last Monday she complained of her stomach doing her something something. I rushed her to the hospital. Her NHIS refused to be recognized because the verification machine rejected it. I had to pay cash. Chai.

It was later I got to know that the patterns on the thumb expand or contract when a woman gets pregnant and wants to give birth to especially a ‘crocodile’ (i.e. a male). It is usually better if it is ‘a human being’ (i.e. a female). When this happens, it affects the verification of the NHIS card for some women in that yefupiin stage of b3l3full.

 By 8pm, the third naughty girl came out almost laughing at me especially when she saw a cat in the maternity ward taking to its heels upon seeing me coming. Please don’t ask me what the cat was doing in the ward oo. Anyway, two of the midwives were from Bator so I was not surprised at all.

How do I name this girl? I want a name that would scare the boys in the area when she turns 18 la!

Ok some of the names on mind which will NOT attract any boy are: 

Ablavi Prosecutor Adziador Zogbenu Jnr, Ablavi Dzifa Zogbenu Jnr, Aborzokpo Borlu memey Zogbenu, Ablavi Alontey Zogbenu, Kafui Zogbenu, Mercedes Scrap Zogbenu, Akob3 Tatale Zogbenu, Esinam Betty Zogbenu, Datsormor Avudunu Zogbenu, Akpakalami Beauty Zogbenu, Mawuena Afanago Zogbenu, Sandezuwa Fatimata Gyaesu Zogbenu, Ablavi Gbagbladza Zogbenu, Ablavi Wifi Zogbenu,  Ablavi Tulasi (gun-in-hand) Zogbenu Waakye Zogbenu and finally Petrichor Afiadenyigba Zorkali Zogbenu. Trust me, these names would scare any naughty boy away. I swr!

Congratulate me er. To wake up at dawn and be doing that thing that sometimes requires pannadol extra is no joke oo. But this small babygirl keeps laughing especially when a cat changes its direction upon seeing me coming its way. I am still struggling to give her a befitting name that will be sweet and at the same time scare naughty boys away till she is ripe for marriage.

Some people said I am not borning a boy bcos of what I have done to girls in the past. I disagreed with them even though… They seem to suggest to me that ‘borning’ girls was some sort of punishment for womanisers. If this is true, how come my father gave birth to me, a boy?

Then we born the second born, another girl. It was almost concluded that my house needed a tall wall, a reinforced iron gate and an AK48 with a German shepherd. I am surrounded by neighbours most of who have boy children. Anyway like I said before, if by the time my first daughter turns 18, Mr Arhin and his boys don’t leave the area, I will rent my house out and relocate from the area. Whaaaat!

I don’t know why some people are so obsessed with this ‘I want a boy’ thing or ‘I want a girl’ thing! What if God does not give you at all? Admitted that a blend of both sexes is just nice does not make girl children any less human.

Please stop that thing o, yoo. After all, no girl smokes wee, all things being equal. Girls will not leave the house under the pretext of having headache when cassava is on fire awaiting pounding of fufu. Girls will not do ‘auto fister’. Girls will spend time with their ailing parents when they are sick in the ward of a smelly hospital. They don’t mind if the next patient lying next to her father is throwing up or not. Girls will clean the mess. Can boys do all of these? All we boys know is takashi, not so?

Loo and behold, the third born dropped, it was yet another girl. Hurrrraayyyyy but not everyone including the child’s mum was very excited bcos she wanted a boy and then she can stop giving birth. Me? I never had a problem with whether it is a boy or a girl. Girl children are such a beautiful delight to be around. With their pony tail hairdo on a walk to the mall? awwwwwwww!

The only problem I have is if I have to help my wife change their diapers. Chai chai cha! It is then you would realise that God is Love! These girls eat adult food so one can imagine the contents inside the diapers. Kai! You need vim to succeed.

Now there are three girls in the house o, with confusion that can make you laugh saaaaaaaaa and want to born again – another girl!

Madam Adwoa Bernice Adubea Ahenkora of the Institute of Public Relations Secretariat, abeg, where is your birthday bash on Palm Sunday March 25taking place? I swear, a neighbour’s male cat would get missing p333 and can be found later in my light soup. Aren’t ladies sweet friends? When was the last time a guy friend invited you to his birthday party? Dem be chisel rof! Don’t bring yourself; you can call me ‘Baba Borngirls’. Who cares? I go born again – more girls! Hahaaaaaaa!

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