Opinion

Mawuli Zogbenu: I lied to her

Mawuli Zogbenu

Whenever any wife fails to delay her husband when attending a wedding or funeral together, then there is a problem. The problem may be with the man.

Why shouldn’t she delay you? Ah! That’s why I get amazed at men who get upset at their women when the women delay small. How long does it take a man to bath? Two minutes for some of us.

Sometimes not at all; all we need to do is to use deodorant and then biko…we are ready! The same does not apply to women.

Meanwhile the same men who complain about their women delaying them go in for all kinds of aphrodisiacs to help in ‘delaying’ the ‘this thing’ from coming early. Is it not the same thing?

Ha! You consume concoctions to ‘delay’ and your wife also delays you for events, so it’s the same thing. If our wife doesn’t delay, how would she look beautiful for you especially in funeral apparel.

Ei, have you observed that women look more beautiful in funeral apparel (kaba) than they look in wedding dresses? Don’t think about it; just wear your face mask! Simple!

If a programme is supposed to start at 11am, I often tell my wife it will start at 9am. I won’t make the mistake of telling her the truth about the exact time being 11am or else, she would be ready at 1pm by which time the programme might have been over!

It’s just like Danso, my former driver who had a problem with left and right. When asked to turn left, he would turn to the right.

I nearly recommended his sack till I devised a strategy; anytime I wanted him to turn left, I asked him to go the opposite direction. Problem resolved; mission accomplished! Learn to know the weaknesses of the people you live and work with and you would be fine.

Don’t try to change them because it won’t work; no one is perfect including you and I. Hello? Hi!

Ei, ei ei, did you know that anybody who fails to wear face mask or drive without seatbelt or ride a motor cycle without a helmet is likely to be having unprotected sex? Avoid him or her o, yooo!

You know it is often said, and Biblically so that ‘train up a child in such a way that when he grows up, he will not depart from it? My parents taught me everything but never mentioned anything regarding my sexual organs and the opposite one, the sweet one. I don’t know whether it was a taboo or they just felt shy to do so!

Even me, as of now I am unable to tell my children about their bodies apart from telling them: ‘don’t pour water on the tiled floor or else you may slip and break your leg’. As for leg, yes but the most important things on the body, I am unable to talk about them.

No wonder my little girl saw the nakedness of her friend who was being bathed and exclaimed while point to something in there: ‘Ei, Bettina, this thing my mother has some but hers is black; what is the name?’.

According to my neighbor who narrated this to me, she was just standing there and couldn’t explain to my daughter what it was. Hmmm! Sex education is a very difficult one for most parents including me. The interesting thing is that children will learn from their peers and that’s where the danger is!

But trust me, who no grow, go grow la! Even though I was not taught by my parents,  by the special grace of God, I am very professional at it now! I learnt all the styles from constant practice and watching of ‘criminal videos’. Even the ‘gas cylinder style’ that nearly got my house razed down by fire, I learnt it from my phone videos.

Medical Doctors have a problem o. On 25th December last year, I sat in my roommate Dr. Samuel Amoah’s car drinking yoghurt.

In fact that day was my birthday, I was told because I wasn’t there when I was born. He got a call from someone whose problem was that ‘Alhaji is not able to eat well and has asked her to call him, Dr Amoah as to what to do’.

This one too be problem? Anyway I would have been surprised if Alhaji were to have been rushed to the hospital for the simple fact that he is unable to eat well.

Dr asked the lady the extent to which Alhaji cannot eat and according to her, Alhaji ate fufu at 12 o’clock and wanted some kenkey to top it up at about 3 pm and realized that the pepper was too hot and for that matter ‘Alhaji is unable to eat well’. Oooohhh! Doctors, we salute you oo and pray for God’s protection for you especially in times like you.

Is it true that women fall in love by what they hear and for that matter men lie to them to get them?

Is it also true that men fall in love by what they see making women wear make-ups some of which make some of them look like…like…like…kaakaamoto…something something? I say some not all, ah!

Why are you like that? Did you hear me say all?  I remember the unnecessary ‘I do’ I said in church during my wedding just to satisfy all righteousness. That’s why I love my wife o.

Pre-marital counsellors keep lying to themselves and prospective couples are expected to do same. We, we didn’t do that o. counsellor was like: ‘you will kiss each other for the first time’.

Yey! Weytin concern me for the first time when we’ve gone past that stage long since? We both laughed aaaaa and she wanted to know why the laughter. The answer was simple and you know it!’. Hahaaa!

It takes only someone like me to think that I can have all my imported floor tiles from China without having some of them broken! That is life itself – never smooth! Something bad will by all means happen. Or else what is the essence of insurance?

Please hold on let me answer this call before I continue writing. She is one of those gals who would only say ‘hello’ when it is 24th of every month. The following day, she will follow it up with ‘I am broke oo’.

Can you give an excuse on 28th of the month? The worst you can do is to ask her to wait when it’s 30th or 41st day of the month. I have devised a means of refusing to pick some of these calls between 27-29 but they use unknown numbers. Ok, let me just pick this call and tell her ‘I am in a meeting; I will call you back’. And thereafter I switch the phone off. Haaaba! What crime!

 Please let’s be transparent in our dealings with ladies to avoid speculations o. That is why the dog chooses to have sex in public to avoid all forms of speculations. With this, everyone can bear witness!

I feel like ‘importing’ a lady ‘friend’ of mine to Accra this weekend o but the exchange rate. First of all, I have to pay her transport, buy her 5kg of rice and some cooking oil to match and GHC50 chop money for the month. That’s huge! Alla! Hahahaaa!

Come on, put on your face mask and have a happy weekend or else….hahahahaha!

The Writer, Mawuli Zogbenu, is an Insurance Practitioner, Communicator and the Weekly Author of the INSURANCE BAKERY Column in the Graphic Business Newspaper. He is also the weekly Author of the humorous page ‘USELESS COLUMN’ published in the Business & Financial Times newspaper and on myjoyonline.com.