Useless Column: ‘Bathing is unconstitutional’

Mawuli Zogbenu

The first sign you are about to sin is when ‘everything’ suddenly makes sense and justifiable to you. It is interesting how the business of side chicks seems to attract ‘investors’ with relative ease. If demand is high, supply is high but what is the cause of the demand? Others will justify why it is good; where it suits some others, they condemn it. The third group would condemn anything whether it suits them or not; they are experts in condemning things. As for me, I don’t judge so as not to be judged. I dey my small corner…watching. The way womanising can stress and yet many men will simply not stay away er…hmmmm! They have not received calls asking for money to have a surgery performed on their brother for fibroid. Do men have fibroid too? Only womanizing can make you hear some of these things from yaanom.

The ‘victims’ of womanizing are not far from us. Or they should rather be called beneficiaries? It can be anybody’s niece. Every ‘victim’ is someone’s niece, someone’s daughter, someone’s beloved., someone’s future wife, someone who would become CEO some day. Beware o, because sin fascinates and assassinates!

Thank God it is weekend again and my brain is, as usual, scattered again. Writing things I have no knowledge about can sometimes be difficult. Just look at this: ‘My mother is twelve years old and I am 47 years old. My daughter is 53 years old and my grandchild is 70 years old’. Weytin we go take this one do? ‘Useless Column; don’t read o, my paddy!

My niece came to me last Saturday crying. Asked what the problem was, she said a certain guy she was dating called her a ‘gold digger’. I asked her if she was into galamsey now. She said no. [Obviously without prior understanding of the term ‘gold digger’]. In any case, the two ‘professions’ involve digging either for gold underground or from momo! The second one is even more irritating! Asked how much her guy gives her or she demands from the guy, she said GHC150 a month. She gave me the guy’s number to call him. I called him to be sure that was the amount my daughter receives from him. He confirmed it. Then I asked him the cost of gold in Kasoa where he lives. Up till now, paddy-man has not given me an answer ooo. Let me leave it here and go my somewhere.

Now on the subject of bathing, where can I find it in the constitution that it is a must? It has started raining and the weather is cold at dawn and it can be that cold er. That is why me, I won’t even heat water to bath with. All I do is to know where water needs to go. My armpits, my eyi and the rest, I use perfume. It surprises me that up till now, no scientist has been able to find an alternative means of bathing other than with water. Scientists, wake up o, yooo.

I keep warning this my friend that from experience (not my own experience though), when a man goes to ‘de-stress’ after a hard day’s work, he should not bath. He should just make sure to clean the right places, wear his necktie and tuck in his shirt as if he is coming straight from the office. Many men, apart from me ‘go for small support’ aside their wives. Life has become ‘tight’ so sometimes….hehehehe! Woe onto anybody who sends this copy to my wife, I will know. You want me to say the truth here all in the name of ‘communication / transparency in marriage is the best’. You, go ahead and be ‘transparent’ about how a certain baby chop your mommo and how angry you are because she refused to give come to the guest house. Go and tell your wife.

After all, communication in marriage is the best. No bi so? The truth is that after bathing in the guest house or movie house, when you get home, your wife can tell that the smell on your body is not the usual smell. Interestingly, hotel soaps have this unique scent. Avoid it o. The last time I made a mistake of going home without bathing too, trouble came. My wife saw a small tissue around my distin and asked about what that was. I responded that nowadays I want to change my religion so anytime I urinate, I use tissue to clean the eyi. She believed me; I jubilated. I am still cleaning.

I have observed that anytime I decide to do fasting for God to do some miracle in my life, that is when all the sweet aromas of food and ‘other things’ not necessarily ‘eaten by the mouth’ start crossing my path. That is when fufu light soup will waft across my nose tempting me to eat! Today for instance, I had declared it a day of fasting and prayers. Just when I was preparing to leave the house for work, that is when my wife took her bath and walked across the bedroom naked with torrents of water dripping down her body! As if that was not enough and in what appeared to be an attempt to spoil my fasting, she bent down to pick something from under the bed in front of me again. Alla! I couldn’t continue with the fasting o. I had to take an early tempting ‘breakfast’! That’s why I was late for work today and my Boss has prepared a query for me to answer. Me? I will tell him the truth…in my query response!

Bath, you say you won’t bath because bathing is not by force and is not in the Constitution. Anyway, why is it that when they ask us to start exercising, we refuse till it gets to that time in our lives when nobody advises us but we start jumping up and down by ‘hat’? ‘No pain no gain! No pain no gain! No pain no gain! ‘Instructor would say ‘stretch your legs’ and he will do it with his fat stomach. ‘Jump and twist’, he will comply. ‘Twist your ‘useless’ waist and he will do it. ‘Stop eating too many eggs’, he will now start eating fruits and vegetables. Stop eating too much meat and he won’t even try snails! ‘Bend down and hold your body’ and he will comply.

Ajeeeeeei! I am just sitting my somewhere laughing at Tom Brown, my neighbor who just turned 42. Five years ago, when you advised him to do all these exercises and desist from some eating habits, he will tell you ‘man must die of something’. Now he is afraid that if he dies early from poor life style and lack of exercising, his children will suffer and his sweet wife will be pursued by some vampires who may want to come and do kpluya kpluya kpluya when he is sojourning underground forever at Awudome.

He is now jumping by ‘hat’ as if his entire survival depended on it. You have not seen anything yet, Tom Brown. Wait till you are told your liver and or kidneys are enlarged because of fats and damage around them. It is then you would realize that after all, a little discipline is better than expensive pills! Keep jumping! You would fly soon, Tom Brown!

Have a good weekend and remember, whatever you wish anybody, good or bad, you are actually wishing yourself. Should I bath this weekend? Tataaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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DISCLAIMER: The Views, Comments, Opinions, Contributions and Statements made by Readers and Contributors on this platform do not necessarily represent the views or policy of Multimedia Group Limited.