What do bank tellers tell?

Mawuli Zogbenu

Happy New Year and many happy returns o. May all your heart desires come to Isaiah 60:22 and you would not rush in this life! Some of us including me are too impatient! Why? Please be sincere with yourself o; which one of the following is more annoying and requires patience?:

After a long frustrating day, you are so hungry and entered a fufu joint. After waiting for your turn for so long in the queue, it gets to your turn to be served only to be told by the fufu ‘Teller’ that you should wait small for the next ‘consignment’ as they are now going to bring the cassava from the fire! Ala! By some strange design, this is likely to be the time too that an annoying mobile phone call will come through and I can imagine the speed with which you cut that call with a wild chuckle, no matter who the person may be!

The second scenario is this: you enter a banking hall to withdraw your last GHC30 to solve an urgent problem. You wait in the queue for about 46 minutes before it gets to your turn. You are so relieved and just when you are about to be served, the teller tells you to wait small because the system is down and that they are trying to fix it. Yeso, ehern, what do bank Tellers tell at all? Because some of them don’t tell you anything at all apart from giving or taking your money from a glass cage with a small window and then you are gone – no telling! I am sure that is why sometimes some banks have their systems failing so that they can ‘tell’ you something. After all, that is their work – to be telling you something, no be so? Hahaaaa! I wonder what informed the name ‘Teller’ but I would google it later on! Bank people, please don’t insult me in your head o, I am just joking oo…it’s Independence Day tomorrow and I am happy roff!

As to which of these two scenarios, the cassava one and the bank teller one  may be more annoying, you may decide to choose the one that is more frustrating but I can assure you that both are ‘I.C.U cases’ no matter what your circumstances may be! If you want to add a third scenario to make it look as if the end times are near, get to the public latrine in the queue with diarrhea and the one inside the eyi already has had to continue battling with some unrepentant constipation and you would have to wait! Ala! It’s then you would know that indeed ‘God is Love’!

Have you ever tried this thing on a lady who is proving hard to catch before especially if you were a bad boy like I used to be? ‘oh let me just brush the ‘mouth’ small’. Or you haven’t done some before? Oohhhh you no be guy kraaa if you have not. The last one I did was when I pleaded on my knees begging to just let the ‘head’ enter small so I could ‘feel it small’. Before she knew it, the ‘shoulders’ together with the entire ‘long body’ also entered oo. Hahahahaaaaa! Immorality go kill us o. Sin indeed fascinates and assassinates!

Don’t mind me because today is ‘Fridayyyyyy’ before the Friday tomorrow but be carefu what you want to ‘brush’ or ‘enter’ tomorrow’! if you have now where to go, go to the Independence Square and do aerobics because the real deal is in Kumasi so the place will be freeee to exercise your stomach!

Do you know that some ladies also do find a way into your life or attempt to overthrow the real partner or the prospective one?

Achimota School is also having bonfire night tomorrow as part of its 93rd Founders’ Day celebrations hosted by our Juniors, Prince Tenkorang, Sammy Bannerman, Dr Yawo Perby, Efua Atta Kwesin and co. It’s going to be a night to behold. I will fly to Kumasi in the morning for the Independence Day in the evening and fly down in the evening for the bonfire night in that school in the Achimota forest. You think I will fly by plane? You see Ayigbeman flying by air before? Hahaaaa! Special airline o. Departure time from Kotoka – 9am. Arrival in Kumasi 9.01am. That’s all! Hahaaaa!

So Faustie was one of my ‘those things’ competing for space in my life just before I got married. We started off as just friends. Before I continue, let me tell you some secret er; anytime you offer a lady lift for the first time and immediately you want to exchange contacts and she is the first to ask for your phone so that she can save her number herself on your phone, trust me, 90% chances are that you are on your way to ‘victory’.

Our friendship started from me giving her lift from my junction to town. Initially I didn’t have any interest particularly when she told me as just friends that as for her, she could not date one guy at the same time because men are bad; I was shocked but not surprised. So I told myself she was a no-go area bcos me I fear disease o but occasionally, the two of us would sneak out for khebab and fruit juice around the locality in the night and then ‘torch’ torch’ started. One of the reasons it’s dangerous to have a close friendship with the opposite sex o especially when attached, yoo.

Then somehow Faustie and I fell in love along the line but for me, to have known that she does not date one guy at a time, I was like…’she may not be a marriageable material. Maybe for ‘chop chop’ purposes but for marriage? NO! You see your mind? When I said ‘chop chop’, your mind went straight to a guest house or movie house abi? Cant we chop khebab and any other thing not necessarily chopped with the mouth? Ao! You spoil too much, Korshi!

Faustie was very much aware I was in a 5-year old serious relationship that was going to lead to marriage. Never have I ever indicated to her that me and my fiancée had a problem – that trick that most men use in order to enter ‘nets’ they really don’t intend staying in for the rest of their lives.

Apparently her intentions were to enter my life and possibly overthrow the original fiancee and the biggest mistake I made was that she was a close neighbor but bcos we knew it was just a fling, I thought she would respect that and not come to my house unexpectedly but she once did o when my fiancée and I were watching cartoons; hmmm. I was just lucky o.

But I was blunt with her that I couldn’t afford to disappoint my first love. But she persisted with all the styles that would make a man pack all his belongings to go and stay with another lady! Kw333! Even having fun on gas cylinders, we did before. We once nearly set a whole guest house ablaze o but for the fact that the guest house had multiple fire extinguishers. Please some of the things more important than all the things we need in our homes are fire extinguishers o. You can never tell what could happen and ordinary water often does not solve the problem. Fire extinguishers are far cheaper than some brands of mobile phones that we yearn for o, yoo! Be there joking with your life and property.

The Chairman of the Useless Column Fun Club International, Professor Paul Ampadu-Yeboah has always been advising me to get a comprehensive home insurance policy in addition which I did and I was surprised the premium was very small to protect my house and property. Prof Prof, you are the man! Hahaaaa!

But I promised Faustie one thing that in order not to hurt her I would not let her know when I would be having my wedding. She agreed but…Massa, some women, just like some men, cannot be trusted o.

Then two nights to my wedding, we took a stroll to her mum’s place at Tesano. Her mum also liked me paa though I was ugly and still am!

Then in the morning of our wedding, while preparing, I saw a message from her that read: “Congratulations on your wedding day…so our breakfast in the evening is over abi?” I froze as I nearly wore my trousers before wearing my boxer shorts on top because I was confused. People were annoying me with ‘dondooo…ayiflo dondooo! My only prayer was that she should not step near the chapel o! She didn’t but I broke her heart! I am feeling guilty since after almost 10 years now, as pretty as she is, she is still single. What should I do since I don’t think I was the only one who broke her heart o…or?

God, please forgive us our promiscuous minds, past, present and hopefully future!

Happy Independence Day!