If you want to see someone driving a car, with his seatbelt on and at the same time wearing a helmet, then come to Kasoa, an interesting ‘tourist attraction’ and one of the most fascinating places of abode.

Or you wish to see someone joining public transport all the way to the mall just to use the washrooms and not buy anything, look no further. Ghana’s most expensive tourist township is waiting. Kasoa is the name, hahahaha!

Welcome to the ‘useless column’ where all abstracts are discussed without any meaningful lessons to learn from! Here, no one takes anything personal o. Just de-stress and take life easy no matter what you are going through. No be so? Hahahahahahaha!

Don’t you want to argue? The only way one can win such an argument with me living in Kasowa is when one can stand my mouth odour. You know, it is very easy to win an argument with me and my smelly mouth.

A Kotoko fan is arguing that Kotoko is the best soccer club and even though you are a dyed-in-the-wool Hearts supporter, you agree immediately that ‘yes, Kotoko is the best’. Ajeei. My eyes are paining me sef.

Ei looks like I have to change my lenses from ‘progressive’ to ‘bifocal’. These my eyes and the things they keep seeing that make them ache, only God knows. The only time my eyes don’t fail me even without my spectacles on is when I am in bed with my publicly known wife in the dark under the cover of the bedsheet when we are ‘chatting’.

I see very clearly. I think ophthalmologists, optometrists and opticians must learn from married people how they are able to see so clearly in the dark without wearing their spectacles. I still have a problem understanding each one of these professionals. 

Only 2 eyes and three different professionals; I don’t even know the difference. You go to one with your eye problems and he or she tells you to go to the other because that other one is the specialist for your problem. Ah why! Your eyes dey pain you? 

It is interesting how a lot of people are still confused about the geographical location of Kasoa. Is it in Gt Accra or in Central? In fact, no one thinks it is right for a Christian to marry someone living in Kasoa and I find it a very fine joke.

Indeed, it is not about the religion per se but the risk of being in a traffic jam, dating someone in Kasoa and at the end of the day, you take another risk of getting married to the person. The risk of exposure is greater, especially if after marriage he or she comes to tell you that he or she is no longer interested in the marriage so you should stop. Ern? Stop for where?

I just love Kasoa and its environs starting from Awoshie Anyaa, Mallam, Weija, Tetegu, Block Factory, Iron City, Galilea, Akweley, Millenium, etc. In fact, everything you want in Kasoa, you will get including the most fascinating entertainment centres.

Talk of ‘Abonsam egya mu’ (inside hell fire). Here, nobody sleeps o. They jam and booze till daybreak and if you see the luxurious type of cars parked there, you go see why Kasoa gets all the vibes and swag, regardless.

If the weather gets cloudy small norrr, we, the people of Kasoa and surrounding towns begin to tremble just because of ‘Atala’ area flooding wahala. There is never any earth tremor where Kasoa will not be on the list. Even when the experts don’t mention it, people will add it to the list for us.

I heard the most effective anti-rodents called ‘kwakwe last stop’ was invented in Kasoa! Have you ever seen how effective kwakwe last stop works in dealing with rats in one’s room? Ajeeeei! Some of the friendliest landguards live around here.

They would come to knock at your door and ask if they can help you pound fufu and that they will help you eat the fufu and all they want is only the soup, no meat and fish and they are fine. Your land becomes fully protected, they would claim.

They then go and tell another batch of their friends to come the following weekend to help you pound fufu. The pounding of the fufu is usually not the problem but the fact that in the process, they would be talking saaaa and smelling of sodabi.

It’s Fridayyyyyyy and salaries have been paid to the fortunate ones who have one job or the other. We chop am finish sef. I have to pay the gari seller I owe and those others I promised to fix the cracked screens of their phones.

These days of zoom zoom meetings will not allow men to rest. In fact, some are more stressful than having meetings physically. Anytime I am in a zoom meeting, no one would call until I start to make a contribution.

That is when my hometown people collaborate with my Accra detractors and would allow someone to call me to disrupt the whole network. For some people, they won’t call when you have no such virtual things on going o.

The moment you start p3, that is when an Auntie would call you to tell you your grand uncle has swallowed a spoon accidentally and the network? Phew! Some would keep calling, you keep cutting. They would call, you cut as if….ah! Hmmmmm

Make yourself happy and a priority when it comes to your health o, Yawo. Remember you are only useful when you are alive. Many of your siblings may appear to love your children just because you are still alive. 

You become extremely helpless when you can no longer move your limbs. If you like, pretend to be gone too soon today. Tomorrow, you would be forgotten. Your best friend is very likely to have another programme on the day of your burial and may not attend your funeral.

Love yourself first o. From what some of us have come to realise in the current scheme of things, one’s family is spouse and children! Just pretend to be gone too soon and see how your external family would treat your wife and children!

It’s amazing these things are still there. Love your children and wife, invest time and resources in them and you would be ‘good to go’ at any time. After all, the likelihood of the man ‘going’ first is higher because we do too many bad things!

Just make sure your immediate family is well placed and prepare your will. You may never know. Gone are the days when many men prevented their wives from getting advanced degrees.

These days, the best thing to do is to help and encourage them to do their Masters and PhD and you would still be fine when gone. If you fail to do that, and the worst happens [God forbid], the story may not be a pleasant one for those left behind.

The worst part is when some boozeman comes to give your wife some coins and wants to ‘have his way’! You have no control but once she is empowered, the focus will be on your children not any unserious man with unnecessary feelings. True or False?

Please hold on let me pick this call. Oh, it is Mensah; I will call him later. This Mensah was someone I once nearly recommended to be sacked for constantly doing the wrong things. I went for an all-night service once and he was praying without knowing I was in front and throwing spiritual punches at us.

Men, we like problems! Just yesterday, I met one sweet-looking lady. We exchanged contacts so in the night, these ‘wosapping-wossaping’ things started. ‘useless video calls’ were about to start. I started promising her I was going to make her happy paa.

Then I sent her a message: ‘Can you please tell me more about yourself?’. Guess her response: “I owe my landlord rent of GHC3,200”. Immediately my phone went on low battery and I put it into flight mode. Simple!

I want to travel abroad o. My problem is whether I will get the visa if they get to know I live in Kasoa! I love Kasoa k3k3 and won’t relocate da! Even some Ashiaiman people look down on us…eish!

Anyway, when the lion is ‘weak’, even baby crocodiles play around its mouth. Many negative things are linked to us. Look at this column for instance. Hahaaaaaaa! Very soon when plane is flying from Accra to Takoradi sef, they would go and pass through Koforidua.

But if most negative things are associated with Kasoa, I wonder why there is so much traffic to and from there. Kasoa ‘pipos’, don’t mind anybody wae. We like ourselves. After all, the best comes from the West. Come and live with us and see real joy – no stress. It is only heaven I am not too sure of whether we are going or not.

Enjoy your weekend and make sure you strive for excellence, not perfection!