Have you tried greeting or waving at somebody in public and the person turns away and in an attempt to pretend that’s not what you really wanted to do, you rub your hand, especially the right hand over your head?

If you think that one is embarrassing, try shaking hands with someone in public and the person inadvertently or otherwise turns away and your stretched hand hangs in the air. I did this to my father-in-law and he wants his daughter back. I sh3da paaa! Hahaaaaa!

 ‘Oh come on, is faithful joyful and traya far, oh come on oh car mon, to Bethlehem’. Christmas would come on Monday May Day. If you like, just watch. I go booze again rof! Haaaaa!

When Mrs Acheampong taught me how to say ‘Please Teacher, may I go out’, little did she know that it was on May 31^st and that the following day was going to be 1^st June. I went to her to seek permission the following day to enable me go out: ‘Please teacher, June I go out?’ The beating I received on my back and head er, only God knows!

Do you remember that dream that made most of us to think that the best place to work after school is the bank? The joy of telling a friend or relative that after Vars you work in a bank is enough to keep you afloat of society whether you are being paid salary or not. Ei, asem oo! Bank edwuma? Onaaapo!

I saw the advert in the newspapers. You know if you are desperately looking for a job, you don’t really pay attention to job descriptions that often go with vacancy announcements o. All you pay attention to are the job title, qualification and perhaps experience and whether you would be given a computer. Finish!

 I saw one and applied. It was a banking job. The job title was RELATIONSHIP MANAGER in a reputable bank. I applied and was surprised the Bank wasted their resources, time and energy to invite me for an interview. That was the day I realized how idiotic I was! After all, as a Vars guy, I assumed I knew everything.

 This is what ensued during the interview:

PANEL:                What do you know about this bank?

Me:                       I know it is one of the biggest banks in Accra, Kumasi, Takoradi and Tamale.

PANEL:                What do you know about the position you have applied for?

(This is where my woes started with humongous embarrassment).

ME:                      Well, this is a bank that cares for its customers so much. Because some customers may be having problems with their relationships or marriages and the Relationship Manager has a responsibility of ensuring that the customers’ problems are solved first before withdrawing money or depositing money into their account. As a matter of fact, some banks customers are likely to collapse before withdrawing money because of relationship problems. Let me cite an example: a man wants to do his wedding next week. And he finds out that his fiancée eats too much and so decides to delay the marriage, obviously this man is having problems with his relationship and as a result must be counseled first and with my background in psychology from Legon, I have what it takes to solve his relationship problems before he even gets to the counter. He would leave the banking hall a very happy person and we can, by so doing, keep him as a customer for life! The Relationship Manager’s job is simply that of caring for the emotional needs of the customers especially in these days when there are too many marital and relationship problems”.

A PANELIST:       I see

ME:                      O yea!

The way all the panelists were nodding their heads in ‘approval’, I was convinced I have dazzled them and I was sure the job was mine. In my head, I was going to solve people’s relationship problems p333333 as the Relationship Manager when I get this job. No be so? Brofo y3 dru!

Then they read out the job description to me and I almost fainted. Since that experience, I have refused to apply for any job in the bank especially in respect of Relationships. Me again? Kai! Awaaaaaay!!

 My first disappointment at getting the opportunity of working in the bank was some 16 years ago. This big man was a Director in one of the top banks.

I approached him for a job that I was through with my national service and needed a job. He requested my cv which I submitted. Every weekend, I strategically passed by his house to say HELLO. He had assured me it was a done deal. I used to have dreams in which I saw myself counting money in the tellers’ cage. Telling someone you work in a bank would be sweet paa o, I dreamt.

Three months after submitting my cv, there was no response but the big man kept giving me hope that their HR was going to call me. The way I walked changed to that of a swag bcos bank manager was in town, mehn!

I once met him driving back from work. He stopped by to ask if I had heard from their HR for the interview bcos, according to him, he had instructed them to call me after he saw my name on the shortlist.

He fumed in disappointment the fact that his ‘lazy’ HR people did not call me and that he was going to deal with them the following day at work.

I was hoping the call would come as I could not sleep. I waited for yet another one month and puin, no call.

Whiles at home, I went to buy groundnut from his housewife who had a small shop in front of their house. I got home, unwrapped my groundnut and guess what was used to wrap the groundnut – my CV!

Only God should be relied on o, my Sister. That was my first career disappointment in man! But you wouldn’t believe it; this man would see me and still keep giving me hope. I would only look at him and nod knowing that he was giving me another ‘rat poison’! I decided to rely on God and tried my first fasting that nearly sent me to the grave bcos I didn’t do it well as I’d wanted all my breakthroughs to open once and for all!

I really don’t blame him but these are the kind of people many of us prefer – people who give us false hopes. We tend to hate those who tell us in the face that they cannot help us and describe them often as wicked. God forgive all of us including me. The last time I shredded some applications, I realized later that my pastor’s son was also included. Meanwhile, I am going to lie to this pastor this Sunday that we are working on his son’s application and the boy would be called for an interview soon. I am sure he would say ‘God bless you’. Ao!

Some of them too when you help them, it is as if you have had a handshake with the devil – they exhibit attitudes that can put your reputation at stake; the reason sometimes it is not so cool to help people who are so close. Some feel that bcos they know you, they can misconduct themselves and get away with it bcos you will shield them. Ern? Why? Gbetor menyo o!

Happy Workers’ Day to all Relationship Managers in all the banks in Ghana. Keep solving people’s marital problems. Hahaaaaa!