I promised myself never to go on a date that I have met online, especially on Facebook. If I get to that point, I will probably go to match.com, try my luck then date an imaginary person for months then go to Facebook.

A guy befriends me on FB. Those days, we had time to scroll down and see what the guy posted, his basic information and from his picture, he did not look like he needed a face job. I accepted and after a week, we started chatting. He asked me out on a date. It went well, I liked him. On the second date, we were heading somewhere. He was funny, educated and knew how to have a good time.

He hailed a cab and the driver started going towards Kilimani. Now, this is where I knew there was a problem. He kept directing the cab guy. I noticed we were moving away from Kilimani. I could see houses under construction and yes, we had left the tarmac a mile away. The cab guy started making a lot of noise, trying to renegotiate, trying to tell him that the place was not the Kilimani he had in mind. From the surroundings, I could understand what the cab guy was talking about. I was so embarrassed I asked how much it was for me to top up.

We stopped at a big ass house. Something was not adding up. Why do we take cabs while this man lives in such a big house? I thought in my head ‘Maybe his Range Rover broke down’. Poor young me.

At this time, the guy is trying to look brave. He then drops a bombshell at the gate. ‘Do me a favour, can you please remove your shoes?’ Ummm, yes. He asked me to remove my shoes, so we could walk from the gate to his house in total silence. Tusiamshe watu wa mansion! (Naija Clap) What do you mean!!! You know how you put on your 4-inch heels when going on a date? Especially a date that you know there will be some later on? I was furious. Then it all added up. He lives in the SQ.

I removed my shoes, shocked as I was. He then opened the gate like a character in Blacklist. Not making any noise. We tiptoed around to his SQ. Now, I don’t mean to hate, but we all know that most SQs in the suburbs are not meant for rentals. They are used for storage or a house for servants who don’t spend all their time there. This bedsitter was so tiny and stuffy. The guy had fitted a bed and other things that I still cannot remember up to this day. I just remember that in the bathroom, the shower head was directly on top of the toilet because there was no space.

I called Miss V for a small meeting and told her ‘Listen, madam, I know today you came prepared to get some, but not in these conditions. Ah ah. We are not that starved. Let us get home and watch a naughty movie together.’

That was it. I did not even fake an illness. I told the guy that I could not possibly get into the mood. He could guess why. I did not sleep a wink. I kept wondering where it all went wrong. Why me? I thought I had landed myself a nice young man from Kilimani.

Oh well, I was out of that house by 6.30 a.m. Never looked back. I still wonder what happened to that guy who made me tiptoe around a mansion. Damn it!