If you’re a new dad or about to become one, you’ve never had it so good: there’s all kinds of advice out there in books and online that can help you be a perfect parent.

And no matter how much of it you memorise, you’ll still make all kinds of mistakes. Here are the ones every new dad is guaranteed to make.

1. Buying too much stuff

If it’s made of plastic or includes an iPhone dock, it’s probably a waste of money.

2. Underestimating babies’ acceleration

Babies move fast and have no sense of danger. You will learn this the hard way.

3. Staying up too late

Babies know when you’ve done this and deliberately wake up extra early the next morning.

4. Listening to bad advice

Lots of people will offer you parenting tips. Most of those tips will be wrong, including – make that especially – the ones from your own parents. It’s a miracle you made it this far.

5. Forgetting to check your clothes for sick, or worse

You’re travelling. It’s a warm day. You can’t turn back. Yes, that smell is exactly what you think it is.

6. Comparing your child to other people’s children

All children are monsters sometimes and angels at other times. Your pals’ kids will be angels when your child is kicking off, and vice versa.

7. Expecting to become a better person now you’re a parent

Turns out your parents were frightened, winging it and bullshitting their way through everything too. We’re not sure if that’s reassuring or terrifying.

8. Forgetting to apply the brakes on the pram

You’ll only make this mistake once, but your partner will remind you of it for, ooh, the next twenty years.

9. Taking the crying personally

To baby, you’re a fuzzy shape that can fix things. Crying means ‘something’s wrong’, not ‘I hate you’.

10. Expecting to return to normality

You can’t go back to your old life, but once you’re through the early days you won’t want to.

11. Taking criticism badly

New dads tend to hear ‘hey, you’ve put the babygro on backwards’ as “I hate you, you’re a terrible father and you have a small penis.’ Calm down!

12. Leaving a nappy on too long

When you hear, feel or smell that nappy filling up, a time bomb starts ticking. Procrastination can and usually does have terrible consequences.

13. Forgetting to lock your phone

Babies find smartphones fascinating. It turns out they’re really good at deleting work emails and favouriting tweets too.

14. Letting potential babysitters escape

If friends, family or passing psychopaths say ‘if you ever need a babysitter…’ the correct response is not ‘yeah, brilliant, I’ll give you a shout.’ Don’t let them leave until you’ve got at least one definite date.

15. Not seeing the woods for the trees

Even if it’s really tough right now, it will get better. Better than better. Amazing. Promise.

16. Not asking for help if you need it

People don’t want to interfere, so if you pretend everything’s OK when it isn’t then they won’t force help on you. If you need a hand, ask friends or family. They’ll usually come running.

17. Looking for wisdom on the internet

Good luck with that.