I had known John for a while through a mutual friend. He was tall, had a chocolate complexion and was well-built. Additionally, he passed the vibes check. There was never a dull moment with him. However, I was dating when I first met him, so I didn’t think of him romantically, but being single opens your eyes to many potential suitors.

A year later, we were both single, and we decided to give it a try. On our first date, he asked me to be ready by ten in the morning because we were going for a drive out of town. He didn’t give me the details but hinted at the weather so that I could pick an appropriate outfit.

We were going for lunch at a resort in Sagana, about an hour’s drive from Nairobi. There was hardly any traffic, but we didn’t rush as we enjoyed the drive, the music and the conversation. The resort didn’t disappoint either. The first date scored highly enough to warrant another one. The following two months with John were filled with lovely moments and fun conversations. Everything was going well until he snapped at me on a phone call.

It was a seemingly insignificant issue, but he blew it out of proportion and hit me with the “women don’t like seeing men happy” line. It was such a surprise and so out of line. I went silent for a few hours after the incident until he eventually called.

“Hey babe, I want to apologize for my behaviour earlier,” said John.

“Where did that come from?” I asked him.

“I am having issues with my daughter’s mum and it’s frustrating me.”

“Why? What is going on?” I asked John.

“We can’t decide what school she is going to attend. My baby mama wants an expensive school,” John responded.

“What factors are you both considering while making the choice?” I asked him.

“I am thinking about quality, culture and cost but that’s me. My baby mama is only after prestige,” John responded.

“Have you explained your cost concerns? Is she chipping in?” I asked him.

“Let’s not even go there,” John said and then went back to apologizing.

I understood the sensitivity of co-parenting, so I tried to remain neutral before gaining more insight into the matter. They didn’t resolve the issue, so John complained about his baby mama for the next three weeks. I watched him hang up on her, ignore her messages and have her repeatedly ask for money before he eventually sent it. Bothered by the situation, I finally weighed in.

“Why can’t you guys find a way to discuss the issue?”

“Do you think I haven’t tried to do that? That woman thought she struck gold when she got my child but I will not let her get what she wanted,” John said emphatically.

“I don’t know if I’m overstepping but you’re making it sound like you’re rejecting her ideas to punish her. I would suggest focusing on the child.”

“If it were up to me, I would take the child to my mother to raise her,” said John.

“Why? Is she a negligent mother? I asked him.

“No, but she doesn’t seem to care about certain aspects. My daughter struggles to speak English like other kids her age,” John said.

“How much time do you spend with your daughter?”

“About two hours every two weeks and when I have free time.”

“Maybe you can teach her what you think your baby mama isn’t teaching her.”

“I’ll take her to my mother’s. I’m sure she’ll be fine there.

By the end of that conversation, it was clear that John didn’t appreciate his baby mama’s efforts. It also bothered me that he mentioned taking the child to his mother and didn’t once suggest doing it himself. He also repeatedly called the baby mama a gold digger.

Suddenly all the attraction I felt towards him started disappearing gradually. He noticed the change and inquired about it. I couldn’t tell him the truth, but the way he spoke about his baby mama alerted me to another side of him. I ended things with him a few weeks later.