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How I bathed my Kenkey

One of the first positive things coro coro has taught me is how my mouth smells so badly during the day and my friends never told me about it; suro nipa o. Hmmm! Whenever I breathe into the mask, the odour that comes from my mouth is often akin to slapping myself and having no one to blame but myself. The odour accumulates and comes back to me as if to enjoy the fruits of my own labour!

The first time I spoke into the mask, Ala! It was close to a non-medically-induced ‘tuin’! I never knew my mouth smells like that. One thing I learnt from this ‘discovery’ is that ‘never blame people for your problems; blame yourself for your problems! Whose mouth was smelling to who in the mask? Is it not me myself?

It was around the same time that I felt like I needed an invigilator, sorry I mean ventilator. It was so tight I was almost suffocating because I bought it traffic.

Nowadays the moment you laugh, you are likely to cough and then everybody will look at you in a certain way. People are suppressing coughing nowadays o because the moment you do…stigmatization which I find unfortunate.

The hide-outs we used to visit may be an eyi where the virus may have settled on surfaces one may be likely exposed to. What if the lady you are going to do whatever with sneezes or coughs in the course of the eyi? What an embarrassing virus! Corona must go oo, yoo but it depends on you and I.  The moment you test positive, you are in trouble number 1 – stigmatization! You will need all contacts of all identifiable side chics, show the movie houses you went to. All these will have to be done in the company of your wife. You have to state who you paid to or whether you have received change or given it out as tips and how you jumped over the wall to avoid being seen by your pastor and mention the name of the pastor so he can be also be traced. Prevention is better than cure o, yoo!

This my wife always finds a different meaning for everything. They said ‘No Mask, No Entry’ and she used it on me last night wrongly. I’d wanted to perform my conjugal duties and she said I should wear face mask first, wash my hands with soap under running water and or else ‘no face mask, no entry’! I had to comply o in order to save her and the rest of the family and others…just in case.

While Leaders all over the world are trying to come out with several interventions to deal with the pandemic, some churches are busily registering and posting mobile money numbers for congregants who are not working to pay into their kitty. Some are also waiting for the virus to be cured before they resume their healing ways. Heaven will be empty o!

The interesting part is that, by God’s divine grace, after we have successfully and largely dealt with the pandemic, that is when some of these pastors will come out and make real noise and money because they would let you know what God had revealed to them before the outbreak and what intercessions they had to do before we survived it and trust me – majority including a many of the highly educated will be the first to shout the loudest Amen and Praise the Go Go Go! Lord God have mercy on all of us especially those of us who after all the education in the world still fall to these church-trapments!

So is that how it is like for pensioners, prisoners and unemployed people and perhaps those who have been bedridden for a long time with one medical condition or the other? 3 weeks of nowhere to go? Kai! My main imagination was about the sick who may have been bedridden for longer than 3 weeks. Hmmm! Every single second of good health is a lot of money and comfort o. It is the reason we don’t have to joke with this pandemic at all. Ei! Waking up 3 times in a day and not knowing whether it was a Tuesday or a Wednesday or whether it’s time for breakfast or dinner.  From now going I am wondering how many people would want to accept to be housewives to well-to-do husbands. Herh!

So many theories about this whole thing about what to do and what not to do most of which are just imaginary or pure conjectures!

I made a mistake of putting my hand in my nose and a friend advised me to pour the sanitizer into my nose. Ao!

People who now have the urge to sneeze find a way to convert it into etuabo gas. There are some of those sneezes that arise from allergies from strong pungent smells from substances such as fresh paint and perfume and the urge starts right from the lungs. Those are the ones that scare everybody especially those you are owing money! 

Very soon no one will be interested in attending funerals with obituaries carrying with them names of bereaved children living abroad.  CHILDREN: Naa Shika (Canada), Dr. Mantse Kumah (Germany), Frank Tata (Italy), Esther Boating (Spain), Adwoa Short (Nottingham, UK). Lailai!

When the ban is eventually lifted on public gatherings including funerals, I am sure some of us would prefer attending funerals with obituaries that read: CHILDREN: Joice Konko (Klagon, Accra), Tsateley Amanko (Kete Krachi), Mansa Toronu (Danfa, near Oyibi-Accra), Ablavi Agui (Adabraka Fish market), etc.

Corona has changed everything.  The first change was from ‘tine’ to ‘teen’. Right from Anunmle School through to Achimota School and to the University, no Teacher or University Professor has taught me that the correct pronunciation of the word ‘quarantine’ is ‘kwaranteen’. It had always been ‘tine’! Suddenly Coro from nowhere has come to change everything. Anyway whether quarantine or quaranteen, the value is the same. Wash our hands with soap under running water and use sanitizer and face mask to cover the newly discovered private parts – mouth and nose!

Too many things about coro coro keep getting me confused the same way some of the powerful scientists in the world are getting confused by the day and operating typically on the basis of trials and errors!. However, one thing is certain: the virus likes being in the palm albeit for a short period. I wash my hands teeeeeeyyyyy with soap under running water but still I can’t seem to know whether I am killing the virus or not.

The scientists on the various whatsapp platforms would use words to confuse me raising my temperature to 36.

Imagine the use of jargons such as endothelial, proinflammatory cytoklines, thromboembolic events, prothrombogenic, hermatological disequilibrium, D-Dimer levels, QT interval prolongation aarythmias, therapeutic anticoagulant doses,  etc. Weytin concern me with all these jargons? Ern? So I choose to do the simplest things first by washing my hands, sanitizing frequently and bathing my kenkey with sanitizer before peeling it for consumption. I am so scared and extremely careful I will do everything to survive with my family, neighbours, friends and colleagues.

Indeed the most negative word used this year is the word POSITIVE.

Hehehehe! Side chics cried during the lockdown o. Wives were torturing some us at home but no guest house to go and ‘pray’. My wife coughed and I ran. I sneezed and she collapsed!  

I slept saaa and on a particular day, I had lost count. I didn’t know whether it was a Friday or a Wednesday. Everyday was every day!

In any case, the partial restrictions helped me to perfect how to use my treadmill. I did a lot of exercises and just when I was getting used to the lockdown, I had to go to work and I was so excited but the situation was akin to anti climax! It’s like you struggling to ‘come’ and just when you had the chance, there is a knock on your door by the Landlord; na blue balls you go get o…hahahahaa!

Gone were the days when probably nothing excites a young man at that point when he is told by the lady who has been bluffing him to say: ‘okay, please go and lock the door first and come’ kw3333, at this point even if you had lost your job the previous day, you would be relieved as if the situation has turned rather into an announcement of salary increase. If you like try it now and see!

Let’s stay safe and avoid this nyamanyama virus o! Paradoxically those who cannot afford even paracetamol now are those taking it for granted. I always take a cue from my Yuroba friends that ‘when you see your neighbour’s beard on fire, you had better immerse yours in water immediately’.

Let’s not be taken by further surprises from this corn bif 19 and STAY SAFE!