Barcelona desperately need a defender or two. So Barcelona are in for a player whose best years were at Liverpool some seasons back. They're in for Daniel Agger, of course. Sorry. They're in for Fernando Torres of course. In the how-to-outdo-Arsenal-in-signing-players-who-don't-fix-the-problems-that-are-effin-obvious stakes, Barça are world champions. Apparently Tito Vilanova has been impressed with Fernando's sulky sub performances for Chelsea and has a comfy cushion on the Camp Nou bench for him to park his rear on. He'll replace current sulky sub David Villa, who is off to Liverpool/Tottenham/Manchester United/Manchester City/Arsenal football club. Chelsea will likely dump Torres outside Napoli's Stadio San Paolo, however, along with £30m and a note asking for them to post Edinson Cavani to Stamford Bridge thank-you-very-much. Qatari lottery winners Paris Saint-Germain heard someone was worth £85m yesterday. So, naturally, they're happy to throw the money at whichever club wants it for whatever they're selling. Luckily for them it's not a bag of spuds from Stoke. But that's enough of Charlie Adam. It's Gareth Bale and Spurs. In fact they're going to pay £10m in compensation and nab André Villas-Boas to replace Carlo Ancelotti as manager first. You see, Bale's daughter, Alba Violet Bale, has the same initials as AVB which, obviously, means it's an insult to her if he doesn't follow AVB everywhere throughout his career. If Bale does hotfoot it to PSG or Real Madrid, Spurs will have to replace his GB initials in the squad. Today's Rumour Mill-monger would be in with a shout if he wasn't crap at football these days and contracted to a seven-a-side team in Holloway. So instead, £4m Gareth Barry will step in. Probably quite slowly. You see, Spurs hope he can replace Scott Parker, who looks to have run around in circles for the last time at Spurs. At 33, he probably can't take another innocuous kick to the groin or ball in the face anyway. Unless it's for Sunderland cheerleader Paolo Di Canio, who is interested. Spurs are still hopeful that £36m will bring both Leandro Damião and Roberto Soldado their way from Internacional and Valencia. David Moyes wants Cristiano Ronaldo or Robert Lewandowski at Manchester United. He's not bothered who. He just loves his new comfy chair in his Old Trafford office and the fact that he can make inquiries about such players without being laughed at. He may have to send a couple of million euros the way of Bayern Munich to snaffle Lewandowski, though, as they supposedly have an agreement with the Poland striker. But in the meantime, he's going to sign the Benfica defender Ezequiel Garay for £15m. And then chuckle to himself at the novelty of it all. Hubris's Nicklas Bendtner may finally leave Arsenal. Apparently, five clubs have made a £3m bid for the Dane, which isn't an awful lot of money really, is it? Even for a Big Man who doesn't score many goals. Speaking of which, Andy Carroll is close to completing a £15.5m move from Liverpool to West Ham, where Sam Allardyce is hoping to bring Demba Ba back on loan from Chelsea in the hope that at least one of them will be fit each weekend. Elsewhere, Aston Villa are going to spend £4m on the Nordsjaellend and Denmark defender Jores Oklore. After shambling around in the 4-0 drubbing by Armenia in midweek, he could slip right into Villa's patchwork defence unnoticed. Mark Hughes is going to pounce on free agent David Bentley and ask him to be free-flowing football Stoke City's metronome next season. Having attracted no interest from Manchester United – despite his best efforts – Yohan Cabaye's agent has sent smoke signals to southern France instead, where moneybags Monaco may get a whiff and send £10m to Newcastle for the 27-year-old. Liverpool are close to an £8m deal for Sunderland's Simon Mignolet. With Pepé Reina likely to do one back to Barcelona. "Let's all have an Isco," trill Manchester City beancounters, who reckon sending £15m to Málaga will be enough to get him parcelled up and posted back to the Etihad. Wigan foghorn Dave Whelan will interview Steve McClaren and Owen Coyle for the Latics job. Neither will get the chance to say anything so how he'll choose between them, the Mill hasn't a clue. And still no word on whether Tony Pulis is going to be the new Marcelo Bielsa at Athletic Bilbao. Funny that.