Opinion

Jail my wife

Please if you are not married yet and you continue to read this abstract, you can have eye problems o, yoo. Me I have told you o, yoo! My wife wants to ‘beat’ me tonight la but I don’t mind. She is going to ‘beat’ me in a way that we would both enjoy especially when we ‘move to the right in the name of Jesus….and move to the left in the name of the Lord….’. Tonight, this girl will sweat biaa heeyheey! She doesn’t know I become even much stronger when I am broke! Hahaaaaa!

Please the road behind the Westhills Mall that leads to Dunkona City is not good kraaa o. The road is so rough that in our own case, there are no miscarriages o but erectile dysfunctions as a result of using that road as the men lose erection easily!

I heard it has been given out on contract to some Chinese contractors but as I write, we only see the Chinese but not the contractors! Please come to our aid o!

Yesterday I was listening to a pastor on radio and a lady phoned in to the radio station to talk to the Prophet who was interpreting dreams. This lady’s  problem was unique in the sense that she wanted a prophetic direction as she had had a dream in which she saw herself having sex with a faceless man and when she woke up, the same sex position in which she was in the dream was the same position she woke up in! That was the part that sweet me sef! I can guess that the position she woke up with was similar to how dogs do it. According to her, she is not married yet but am sure when she gets married, 5 years later she would start wearing jeans even in that position. What she failed to add to her worry was whether what happened in the dream was sweet or not. If it was sweet, no problem, Lady; you only expressed your feelings in another ‘relaxed’ environment instead of a guest house.  Enjoy wai na life is short! The guy who did that to you in the dream is probably a neighbor who I am sure saw you the next day walking past and pretended as if nothing had happened. Don’t mind him; he is like that!

The last time a similar dream happened to me, it was so sweet and freeee! No guest house money, no mobile money wahala, no T&T. Freeee! Hahahaaaa!

Talk of doggie something just makes me feel like greeting my friends at the sexiest bank in Ghana that I told you about. Two of them are there at their Lapaz Branch as Relationship Managers and their Supervisor is my friend too. Their names? I suwear! The first person you would meet on his desk is called Dick; the next person is called Doggie (Douglas) and the name of their Boss inside the office is Virginia! I greet you all oo, my friends bcos today is Fridayyyyyyyyyy!

I can imagine a sports commentator giving the following commentary in their banking hall: ‘Doggie passes the cheque book to Dick and Dick after examining the punched holes in the booklet penetrated the cage with it through teller number 8 to be given to their Supervisor, Virginia for verification. Virginia endorsed the cheque and the money was dispensed piaaaa and…it was caaaaaaasshhhh!’ What a place to work! But I just heard Dick is about to be transferred to the head office bcos the trio are causing congestion in the banking hall as people come there not only to transact business but also to see the name tags of these bank workers so they could have a good laugh especially on Fridays!

So what do our wives hope to achieve if they wear jeans to sleep by our side to provoke us? As you know, a man’s manhood does not have a ‘sense of reasoning’ especially if provoked beyond a certain level and it loses ‘control’ conjugally o. ‘Control’ in the sense that it can ‘tear jeans’ and do whatever it intends to do once he has to ‘burst that boil in his waist’ in a legally recognised evacuation exercise, just in real time!

Last Saturday, after the publication of the story titled: ‘Report Jeans-wearing wives to police’ written by Shirley Asiedu Addo in The Mirror (July 20, 2019 issue) both social and traditional media were awash with comments and debates all over.

Many men who read the story indicated that they need to pool resources together for the female prisons to be expanded just bcos of this revelation.

A lot of men are suffering on the quiet o, the reason guest houses and movie houses are doing very well. It’s our wives pushing us o, sometimes to go and bring disease home o.

My only problem of jailing a wife is how some of us husbands are going to take care of the cooking and changing of baby diapers and generally taking care of the home! As for sex, no problem; we can outsource as many men already do any way! Please don’t jail them as it will create more problems in the house for us.

The only advantage of jailing such wives who think the ‘for better for worse’ is about jeans wearing is that they won’t lie by your side with their butts touching you and not being allowed to do the distin. I can ‘manage’ till she comes back, hopefully, repented provided nobody takes her place while she is in incarceration.

When she comes back repented and you still want her, then make sure you yourself too have not reached the stage of ‘half clutch’ where you would be the one now wearing jeans with ‘useless’ excuses where not even ‘aggrada bitters’ can help. Massa, after age 40 and no physical exercises, men can also wear jeans o. hmmmm! After the first session if luck is not on your side, you would be the one asking: Ei so how was Nsawam like? – a conspicuous attempt at buying time to regain ‘consciousness’! You lie bad!

But do you really want to live with an ex-convict wife? Prison is prison o– every offence is perceived differently! It would only increase the divorce rates, methinks!

So Papa DOVVSU, don’t jail them; we will continue to outsource but they (our wives) should not be upset with that. They shouldn’t continue to provoke our eyi with their back sides in jeans and be sleeping on the same bed with us. They should go and sleep in the living room er. Ah!

They should also keep quiet when they see used fostino2 packs and condoms in our pockets and the spare tyre compartments of the booths of our cars!

But you see, the secret to getting her to remove the jeans on her own volition is to place those small small dangerous ants (a.k.a gbeze) by her jeans trousers to enter (please don’t ask me where); it is there she would understand the fact that the word ‘degodia’ in Ewe is different from the same ‘degodia in Hausa! She will remove the jeans by herself and then I will…hahahaaaa! Sometimes I wonder how my ugly face looks like when I reach this stage o, the same way I imagine how handsome paddy, Mr Aloto Jakob’s phase also looks like when he is about to ‘piaaa’!

Another strategy is that when she is asleep I will just use small razor blade and lie by her and cut the jeans trousers from the back small small to pave way for the ‘power house’! What made her think I married her among several other ‘bidders’? Is it not the thing?

When we get home, and want to ‘touch touch’ some of them start doing something something as if we are not husband and wife! DOVSSU Cape Coast, thank you for the revelation. We didn’t know our rights as husbands but now we do!

Abeg, go ahead and jail them for two years bcos out of bed, out of feelings rather than be in the same bed with her and she would be turning her buttocks near my direction and denying me at the same time. If you are not lucky and you have a wife who is plus size like my own, Alla! prepare for 3tuabo gas! In addition to her jeans trousers to block your ‘entry visa’ she would also be ‘firing methane gas’ after eating eggs during the day in your direction annoyingly to put you on and off at the same time.

I think a law should be passed to double the punishment for wives who ‘fire gas’ in the night and still go ahead to deny their husbands sex. Ah! What’s that? Let me ‘eat’ you, you say NO and then let me breathe too, you say NO! What kind of domestic abuse be that!

I guess you listened to Lexis Bill’s programme on JOY FM last week on ‘perching’ on our university campuses by our brothers and sisters with non-resident status. I really had a good laugh that day er.

This percher of mine never gave me and my roommate ‘peace of nose’. Kai kai kai!

He liked eating gari and beans with fried eggs and in the night nobody would sleep from his bombs! Alla! There was this particular night we threatened to eject him if he didn’t stop eating beans and eggs. We could have beaten him up but he was more muscular than the two of us. Oh yes, our time, we were only two in a room. Eventually we reported him to the police and he ejected himself. What impudence!  Thank God after school, he now works with Gana Gas as an Engineer! Where else? Make I hear something! But the question is ‘would you allow your wife to be jailed just bcos of jeans? What if it were khaki? ‘Thought for food’!

 Case adjourned….till next jeans! Hahaaaaaa!