Congratulations on your birthday, Master Lemuel Likem Yaw Mordey. You chopped your birthday 2 days ago with ice cream and banku…that’s nice. Your Daddy, Mr Jerry Tsatro Mordey says I should not do this but I am stubborn so I am doing it. He’d wanted me to tell you to study hard in school so that you can become a Medical Doctor or Electrical Engineer in future. Later you can study Law wai. Yes, Doctor Engineer Lemuel Mordey Esq! After all, that is the trend in recent times.

Everybody wants to be a Lawyer even me, no be so? Hahaaaa! I wonder how many cases I can win in court. The cases too are no longer coming o as people resolve their issues at home amicably and I wonder if the demand is really there. No case, no need for lawyer; no be so…hahaaaa! Enjoy your birthday and give yourself a target that in a few years from now, you would change the world!

Daddy was so happy for you yesterday; unlike me, when it was my birthday those days, that is when my Dad would give me a house chore that I would be unable to finish and then the canes would descend on me kpiaaa…kpiaaa…kpiaaa! It was all a takashi strategy he used so that I would not expect anything as birthday gift from him. Ei! that man who went to night school er…hmmm! Count yourself blessed o, Dr. Ing. Esq. Mordeyyyyyyy! Hahahaaaaaa! Shall it come to pass in Jesus’ name! Amen!

You see what can happen when you visit your mother-in-law in the village? You would have noticed that the food is often nicer and more organic than these Accra Accra ones especially if the fufu soup contains snails and akranti3. Ehern talk of snails, I am still wondering how come snail meat has become more expensive than grass-cutter meat o. Indeed if there is any area of farming I wish to consider going into, it will be snail farming. All one needs are filthy garbage which we rather dump on our roads to choke our gutters. As for us di3333…oooohhhh d3bida!

Recently I was in Poliskrom in the Ashanti Region to visit my mother-in-law with my wife. She had prepared fufu and some sumptuous soup bi er. They didn’t have light because their light bulbs were burnt. My wife and I were in some corner eating in the dark and the way the food was nice er, I would have wished for more. And by some divine grace, this woman would shout: ‘Asew, there is more food here o, I am bringing you some’. I hope you were not expecting me to say: ‘okay, Asew, bring it’ or? If you no dey shy anything at all, not to ‘pass etuabo gas’ in the presence of your in-law o. You may be lucky and get away with it if your in-law is a mother-in-law. But woe unto you if you should do that in the presence of your father-in-law who is a retired soldier!

So when the woman kept calling me for more food, I kept responding though reluctantly: ‘oh, Asew paaa; this one is even too much. I am even satisfied already’. At the same time, I kept pushing my wife to go for more because the place was dark and mum-in-law could not see me lobbying for more fufui through her daughter.

My wife is smart o. Though I declined the food ‘reluctantly’ but on the blind side of the old lady pushing my wife to go for it, she obliged and went for the food and I could hear her telling her mum ‘she is not satisfied but need some more for herself’ and then she brought it to me. That girl knows my problem and how to solve it o. I call her ‘girl’ bcos the moment I begin to call her ‘woman’, it connotes something similar to the size of my mother-in-law. Of course we treat our girls better than we treat our eyi so, she is my ‘girlfriend’ even after marriage. The moment I begin to call her ‘wife’…hmmm . ‘When a green plantain becomes ripe, its name changes’ no be so? To be frank, it is a great luck to have a woman who would protect your interest o; not the one that could expose you by saying ‘my husband is not satisfied and so is asking for more fufui and akranti3 head.

The only things I don’t like about my wife are some things be that annoy me small small. This woman asked me to buy a 4-burner gas cooker. I did about 7 years ago. She is still cooking with charcoal because of that her mundane outdated belief that food prepared with kropot especially Ghana rice tastes nicer than with gas cooker. I told you last week o, that the only way Ghana’s local rice sector could beat Vietnamese rice is to say they contain ‘manpower’ things for bedmatics. Nothing moves us to consume anything better than adding this bit even if it is not true.

This my mother-in-law’s daughter requested a washing machine which I bought 6 years ago. It is still in the park because she prefers washing with her hands. What at all do some of our wives want kraaaa han?

Now she wants us to be partners as in private-public-partnership! Where in the Bible has God said husband and wife must be in partnership? Constantly changing God’s original purpose through westernisation is costing us o, yoo. Husband and wife being co-equals are the white-man’s retweaking of the contents of the same Bible that they themselves brought to us o. Ei, is Mr Co-Equal in town? I mean Hon Tweeaaa who is still looking for the one who said the ‘Tweeaaa’ almost 6 years ago even though he is sure the person is not his co-equal. How would you know whether the person is your co-equal if you cannot identifuy him or her? Anyway, he is still looking for the person.

Wedding wedding wedding and then…problems nkoaaa we invite to ourselves. The worst part is those who borrow money to do wedding and before they even finish repaying the loan, they are in court saying ‘Papa Lawyer, even though I said ‘I do’ some months ago, I have now changed my mind to ‘I don’t’.

My mother was married with only a bottle of schnapps and akpeteshie quarter and some kola nuts and they had a very wonderful marriage in spite of the occasional normal fights which they made sure they fought when we were not around making everything look okay. One of the causes of the fights I later got to know was that my father was ‘ronning’ things behind the scenes. My senior brother and I used to get angry at him for such ‘ungodly’ behavior until I recently got to understand him when I grew up too and got married. Hahaaaa! ‘Who no grow go grow’ was a popular phrase of my late Dad anytime my senior brother and I got upset with him for ronning things behind our dear Mama. Indeed ‘Who no grow go grow’ bcos now ‘I grow’! Hahaaaaa!

Recently I did one of those ‘ronning things’ in a swimming pool and had a muscle pull. It was only God who came to my rescue o. I had learnt not swim in a swimming pool in the night with a lady with big eyi and expect to be just swimming o. For what? You will by all means ‘torch torch’. That is where the muscle pull comes in inside the swimming pool and if care is not taken, there could be drowning especially if the lady with whom you are swimming is large!

I warned people not to be reading this abstracts o but still. Don’t look up; I know you just did because man is bound to do the direct opposite of what he’s been asked not to do. Don’t look up and that is exactly what you ignored and looked up, my Brother Sammy Tindanbil of Petra.

If it were John 3.16, by now you would have recited that scripture long ago. Go to church, you won’t go. You go too, you would go and sleep because pastor is talking about salvation. The moment the pastor begins to talk about fornication, everyone becomes awake and alert.

Today is 29th November and any alert you receive around this time is likely to be that of money hitting your account. Wait till we enter next week by 6th of December…debit debit debit nkoaaaa you go see.  Na lie? Hahaaaaa!

God is such a fair and balanced God o; that is why no matter how small your buttocks is, He still manages to divide it into two.

If you are still unemployed or don’t have a job that excites you, God forgive you in case you didn’t know that ISAIAH 60.22 says that ‘when the time is ripe, I the Lord will make it happen’. This spiritual paragraph is sponsored by the Chairman of the ‘Useless Column’ Fun Club International, Mr Paul Ampadu-Yeboah! This man is simply brainy, strategic and Godly! I salute you, Sar!

Have a nice weekend and let us begin to set up small small businesses for our children o so that when we retire one day either alive or the other way round, they can still make a living and swim for swimming pool without having a muscle pull!