Divorce is a strange animal. It’s long been known to be one of life’s most traumatic stresses. But we all know a divorce survivor who sailed through relatively unscathed while others wallow in pain for years, holding onto hostility and victimization like it’s a security blanket. Is there a secret to surviving divorce? Is it possible to overcome the loss of a primary attachment figure, even a mismatched one, without feeling some pain? No. A pain-free divorce is limited to those who are completely void of emotion and are likely to have caused their own divorce. The rest of us have pain associated with divorce. But how we deal with that pain is the big secret to surviving divorce. I often say that when we divorce, it’s like losing a leg. Now, that leg may have had gangrene, but we still miss it dearly. Self-compassion New research from the University of Arizona has pointed to one crucial characteristic in overcoming anxiety and depression associated with divorce. Surprisingly, that trait is not self-esteem, optimism or ease with relationships. It’s something a little more complicated: self-compassion. The researchers define self-compassion as having three components: 1. Kindness toward oneself 2. Recognition of common humanity 3. Ability to let painful emotions pass. In the study, 105 men and women, all over 40 and who had been married over 13 years, were followed and assessed during the year after divorce. People with the most self-compassion experienced less intrusive thoughts about their partner than those who did not. They were also happier and able to move on with their lives. So, can self-compassion be learned? The researchers of the University of Arizona study are unsure, but I would venture to say that learning self-compassion is like any other cognitive behavioral technique. You simply replace negative internal dialogue with a more positive narrative. Remember, thoughts are things. They become a self-fulfilling prophesy. The key is learning to change your stance toward the problem. If you can reframe thoughts of failure with thoughts of forgiveness to yourself, you’ll be well on your way. It’s important to erase the voices of negative parents and replace them with messages of encouragement and forgiveness. Next, combat feelings of isolation by reminding yourself that you are not the first person to undergo a divorce, and you are not alone. Talk with other people who have survived divorce and ask them about their strategies. There is one warning, though: Don’t surround yourself with other unhappily divorced characters who help you wallow in anger. Finally, become mindful. It’s OK to acknowledge to yourself that you are feeling jealous or angry. This identifies the problem for what it is: your feelings and not the situation. These strategies can help you turn your mind to the present and help you survive a divorce. A little self-compassion can go a long way to happiness.