There were some wrong and fallacious impressions I formed about the relationships between males and females, and about marriage, before I courted and entered into marriage.

Some of the ideas were pre-conversion impressions (before I became a really born-again committed child of God or true Christian), while others were conceived after I became a devoted Christian.

I truly accepted Jesus as my personal Savior and Lord in 1969 at the age of 17, therefore my earlier impressions were quite casual and “boyish” and “teen-age oriented” in nature.

Most of the impressions were unconsciously formed from observations and constant contacts with single as well as married people, especially in my home, family, church, and community. My colleagues at school played a significant part as well.

In all instances, my mind was schooled and molded by the utterances, complaints, criticisms, mockery, sarcasm, abuses, neglect, immoral activities, marital separations, divorces of people; plus the activities of married people with concubines, the cultural treatment of men and women, traditional marriage patterns, and the entertainment industry.

As I list some of these fallacies, and have attempted to state the real truth alongside to correct the wrong impression, I encourage you to find out if any of them apply to you, and decide to explore and gain proper knowledge and understanding of marriage and male-female relationships.

Some of these wrong impressions and half-truths were as follows:

1) Marriage is mainly about sex and childbirth.

Truth: Sex and childbirth are unique and important in marriage as tools for the marriage bond, to fulfill God’s original plan of multiplication, fruitfulness, and dominion for mankind. They are special blessings to promote the covenant, training, discipline, godliness, love, romance, and responsibility of the institution. The children are trained to carry on the legacy of the parents and the family, and promote the salvation and victory plan of God for mankind.

2) You marry with the primary objective of getting a helper for yourself, and your needs satisfied.

Truth: Although the woman was designed and ordained to be a special Helper for the fulfillment of the vision of the man, mutual help must be established in every marriage between the husband and the wife. Each person must get thorough knowledge about the important needs of men and women, and carefully study the other mate to know the particular real needs of that particular person given to him or her, and help to meet those needs.

3) Women come into marriage to serve, and that is why men have to buy them in cash and in kind as dowry etc., from their parents, for their services.

Truth: Whether in courtship or in marriage, no man can buy the love, care, commitment, and services of a woman in any relationship, with money, property, or any valuable and expensive gifts. The services, time spent, love, care, cooperation, assistance, gifts, and all other activities or virtues must be voluntary from the heart, as important additions to the giving of your entire self (mind, body, heart, spirit, emotions etc.) to your partner.

The dowry, gifts, and all other payments are initially meant to lay a foundation for future financial and material provision from the heart of the man to his wife, and to express his immense love for the woman he is going to permanently bond to, and demonstrate to the woman and her family that he is capable and willing to provide the needs of the woman who will go through the ordeal of pregnancy, labor, pain, childcare, and family services for him and the family. It is also a way of thanking the woman’s family for their hard work in training the woman in the best way for him, and to show his gratitude for releasing the woman to be his wife, and their acceptance of him into their family.

The woman should not be left alone to do all the housework; the man must help too. Some of the activities must be designed and seen as romantic time together. For example, anytime my wife washes the clothing, she expects me to fold them, and I am the one who always irons her uniform for work, help to wash dishes, and support the cooking. When she is tired after much work, I fix my food from time to time.

4) A woman is a follower of a man in all marriage matters and for all family projects.

Truth: Nowhere did God even intended or said that a man should be in the front for the woman to follow him always --- unless there is a battle, then the man must be in the front to fight for his wife and children, and “receive the bullets on their behalf”.

God rather emphasized that a husband is a joint-heir (co-heir) with his wife, and even cautions the man that if he does not treat his wife as someone sharing all things equally with her, his prayers will be hindered (and therefore his blessings blocked) --- 1 Peter 3:7. However, when any danger confronts them in their journey through life, the man is required to demonstrate his leadership and strength (derived by his connection with the Lord’s power and his manhood authority given to him by God), and jump ahead to face the ganger or crisis by faith and with commitment, to fight and defend his wife and himself as well as the children.

5) The man is the Leader and the Head, and must therefore have the lion’s share in all good things.

Truth: As joint heirs (1 Peter 3:7), the husband and his wife are required by the Creator of marriage (God Almighty) to share all things equally, with no one manipulating or cheating the other. A husband who truly loves his wife, can never rob and cheat his wife and be at peace with himself. No godly and God-fearing husband who has daily fellowship with God through Bible meditation, prayers, and obedience, can be selfish in his dealings with his wife and family or with other people, without being weighed down by strong conviction of wrongdoing and guilt by the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

6) Children are born to serve parents and obey all instructions without complaint, and should not share close friendship and play with their parents and elders, since they are subordinate to them.

Truth: Children are strictly commanded by God to obey their parents, honor them, but parents are also commanded to also love, train, nurture, and bond to their children to impart themselves, practical knowledge, and exemplary lifestyle to them. “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’, which is the first commandment with promise; ‘that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6: 1, 2). The father was commanded to team up with the mother to do joint parenting and love, correct, and admonish their children. They are to be firm with discipline and instructions, but nice and gentle with their children, no matter what wrongdoing they commit at any time. Fathers in particular have been commanded not to provoke their children with their speech, acts, and behavior, otherwise they become bad examples to them, and cause them to rebel and sin. “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

7) Wedding, kissing, and romantic behavior belong to a foreign culture.

Truth: A wedding is designed to ask for God’s blessings on the new couple and the institution of marriage they are entering into. The concept cuts across all cultures. It is a Biblically accepted ceremony, since it is mentioned as important special ceremony for some men and women of God in the Bible, and especially because Jesus attended and participated in a wedding ceremony at Cana of Galilee (St. John 2:1-11). By His enthusiastic attendance, Jesus approved and sanctified the wedding ceremony as an important initiation of a marriage journey. Jesus even gave them pure sweet wine as a gift, making the giving of gift at a wedding to the couple as a Biblically acceptable practice. Unfortunately, some people have taken the wedding ceremony to carnal, expensive, and meaningless levels, sometimes with very little of God’s principles, no trace of God, or no real blessing of God involved at all, which makes several people reject the idea of a wedding.

Romance is the attitude you must have towards someone you love, and is more than just suggestive or actual sexual touches, gestures, and behavior. Each married person must device his or her own language of expression of love towards the partner to his or her liking, in addition to what is common practice to all. A husband or wife who is not romantic towards his or her partner can never fully satisfy the partner sexually or emotionally. Romance cuts across all cultures.

Kissing is traditional practice of greetings and expression of love and relationship bond in some cultures, where even the common practice of handshake is minimized. Kissing could be in the form of a peck on the cheek or could be respectfully done on the hand etc.). Kissing the neck and some other places of the body have sexual implications, and should be reserved only for a married couple. Open mouth-to-mouth kissing is a deep expression of intense sexual love between a husband and his wife. In all instances, kissing in itself is not restricted in marriage to a particular culture, which should therefore be regarded as so foreign to some people that its practice is seen as importation of unnecessary or unwanted and strange cultural practice.

8) Sex should not be discussed in public, and is a taboo to be mentioned or discussed with children and young people until they marry.

Truth: Many of the breakages in courtships, marital separations, and divorces are the results of issues and problems pertaining to sex and romance, in addition to financial problems, poor communication, and varieties of abuses. I have discovered in my counseling involvements and explorations over several years (and typically in these modern times) that MANY COUPLES DO NOT HAVE A COMPLETELY ENJOYABLE AND MUTUALLY STRONG SEX AND ROMANTIC LIVES IN THEIR MARRIAGES.

The primary root of most sex problems in marriages is ignorance, poor knowledge, partial knowledge, and wrong information about the value, purpose, and practice of sex and romance in marriage. Romance is your attitude expressed towards your lover. That is important before sex can have meaning, in order for it not to become a “mere act for momentary feeling”.

It is sad to say that many people are not romantic in their marriages, and therefore many married people have unromantic sexual activity that is not satisfying, with lasting influence and results, as God originally intended sex to be.

As much as we must beware of undue or too early exposure of children to the details of sexual activities, we must admit and know the dangers of your child’s exposure to wrong information about anything (especially sex) before you start giving him or the truth. We should start giving the required instruction and information about body parts and their uses as well as plus misuses, to our children from the age of 5 onwards. We provide such teaching very cautiously and wisely at their level, and upgrade the information to suit their mental development as they grow and are able to receive and process higher knowledge about their sexuality.

The lack of appropriate public discussions and teaching on human sexuality, has bred sexually ignorant adults in the society, and produced sexually perverted young people who have been fed by perverted information (especially at pornographic websites), or invented their own definitions and erroneous information on the use of their sexual components, and devised their own means of enjoying illicit and dirty sexual practices.

9) A woman is very unclean during her menstrual period.

Truth: There are some cultural and traditional superstitious beliefs and myths that surround the menstruation of a woman. There are some traditional and cultural adherents who would not eat the food cooked by a woman in her menstrual period, for spiritual and health reasons. These have their origins in pagan and spiritual worship of demons as sources of spiritual power (or juju etc.), rituals for occult powers, and the belief that the menstrual process obstructs spiritual powers and hinder the powerful effects of fetish worship as well as activities of the gods. The menstrual cycle is a natural, very healthy, godly, God-created, important biological cycle that measures and signals the time of a woman’s ovulation for fertilization, and preparation of the uterus (womb) for pregnancy and childbirth.

There is absolutely nothing unclean about the process of menstruation, unless the “menstrual haters” deduce the fact that the passage of menstrual blood is a form of exclusive “waste material” that should be cleaned, and because of the part of the body where it proceeds from, it must be avoided by men. We must understand the complex body of women that was divinely devised for pregnancy and childbirth, and show mature attitude towards the changes they go through, and know that every holy and pure woman is as pure and holy as she was before, during and after her menstrual period.

Women should also do their best to keep themselves and their reproductive organs as clean as necessary, and earn the respect of men and other woman.

We must impart such knowledge to young girls, and train them to adequately prepare to be mature and clean women, especially in their homes and marriages. 

10) Ability to show great sexual strength to a woman, having property (especially a building), and exhibition of the possession of big money, are the most important signs of being a real man.

Truth: A real man, I believe, is the man who exhibits humility, self-control, strength in providing security, strength in overcoming temptations, diligence in the performance of his duties, courage and boldness in facing tough issues, able to hold steady and find workable solutions in the face of crisis, shows sacrificial love and care along with affection for his wife and children, makes quality time for his spouse and family, works hard to provide money and needs of his family, plans properly to leave a legacy for his family and society, and demonstrates true leadership.

It is true that sexual strength and sexual performances, plus possession of money and property give some important indications of a man’s strength and readiness to handle and care for a woman in marriage, and build a family. But we must note that many women have sexual strength, mush money, and possessions as well. The ability to be a wise and good leader with a purpose for women and children, plus the best use of masculine physical strength and gifts plus abilities for hard work, fruitfulness, productivity, progress, and advancement in society, must come first before sexual energies, money, and property could have their real meaning and importance for any man.

The wise and proper management of treasures, riches, and material prosperity by a man and his wife, good parenting, plus their fear of God and establishment of a stable marriage and disciplined home and family life, are the most important marks and proof of real manhood or real womanhood in a relationship. It can be a great mess and big shame or even destruction if sexuality, wealth, and riches are mismanaged and misused by any man or woman.

11) A man marries a woman and brings her into his family home as his special property and special gift to serve his family.

Truth: God commands a man to leave his father and mother and cleave (bond strongly) to his wife for them to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Sometimes the in-laws are glad that a women has been brought to join the family in the family home, and help to serve or provide for the upkeep of the extended family, but that is a wrong motive for agreeing to help their son to marry that woman. Other new couple plan to live with a trusted friend as a start, which some people regard as better than living with the in-laws due to undue interference that can contribute in laying a bad foundation for the marriage. The man must therefore plan to leave the home of his parents or family home (or home of friends), and start a new independent life with his wife. Some people remain in the family home against the will of God, and encounter a lot of interferences and problems, some of which finally cause several marriages to break or become very sour.

We know that in some instances conditions make things hard for the couple to acquire their own place of residence immediately after marriage, and the circumstances compel them to live in the family home for a while. But that must be a temporary measure, and the couple should have already planned to move to their own house or apartment within a short period.

12) A man does not share his personal information and secrets with a woman, because she is subordinate to the man, and is prone to gossip.

Truth: If God’s command to bond together and become one flesh with a man is adequately understood, and fully obeyed, the man and his wife will equally share all good things, and have all things in common. The question of secrets will then not become a significant problem in the marriage. Refusing or neglecting to share personal information with your mate is a sign of disrespect, dishonor, disregard of your mate’s intelligence as someone who has no value for your information, has no right to know your important personal information, demeaning of your partner as less important than you or as a destructive person, or someone you are competing with. Keeping of secrets in a relationship, especially in marriage which is the strongest and foundation of all human relationships, is a strong sign of deep selfishness, possible hiding of wrongdoing from your partner, and lack of true love for your partner. It could also be indications of inferiority complex that makes you scared of someone discovering your weaknesses, or superiority complex that makes you think and feel that you are the best person around the place, and no one else is therefore qualified to share your information.

In all cases, each person in the relationship should, however, consciously exhibit maturity and love when personal and private things are shared. If the reactions and responses are negative and discouraging from the other receiving partner, then room is created for the breeding of secrecy due to the wrong, unloving, demeaning, uncaring, or discouraging ways in which a partner’s personal confessions and secrets are received by the other partner.

13) A woman is always inferior to a man, no matter her talents, gifts, abilities, capabilities, and position in society.

Truth: Some cultural beliefs hold on fast to the notion that a woman is generally an “inferior human being” when compared to a man, and the people therefore treat women that way. Although a woman was created from the bone (rib) of a man, and is physically, emotionally, psychologically etc. different in several respects, they are required to share all gifts and good things equally. The fundamental differences of a man and a woman do not make a man superior or a woman inferior to the other. The gifts, talents, and differences are intended to promote their relationship with God, deeper fellowship with each other, and complementing of one another. A woman and a man are “joint heirs” that share all good things and blessings equally (1 Peter 3:7). A woman was never intended to become a “follower” of a man in life. That is a wrong definition of the submission of a wife to a husband as commanded by God (Ephesians 5:22). In the same way as standards of holiness, purity, faith, love, wisdom, and other virtues do not differ for men and women, under no circumstances should a man or woman be regarded as inferior to the other gender. God initially blessed Adam and Eve equally with no room for superiority or inferiority (Genesis 1:28).

14) Women should not be leaders in society in any fashion, and should leave all decisions and choices for men to make for them to follow.

Truth: The subject of leadership role of women tend to generate some heat when it is discussed in detail, which is not the subject at this juncture, but women can play significant roles as leaders and managers in several capacities in our communities and nations, especially when there are no courageous men to assume leadership roles at particular times. Men were created with special physical strength, wired in a unique way, and commanded by God to be Heads and Leaders for their wives and homes (Ephesians 5:23). It is required role, a privilege, and a solemn responsibility, rather than being a mere authoritative boss in marriage or any relationship. Unfortunately, in many courtships, marriages, and homes, the men make most of the major decisions and simply inform their wives to follow them in their pursuits. Some women tend to do the same as well, especially when the man is being a bad example as a leader. This should never be the case, because a man and his wife are required to build mutuality in all aspects of their life. If one partner is more talented, more gifted, and happens to be financially richer, they should allow the fear of God, love, mercy, humility, kindness, compassion, faith, and trust to motivate and train them to work together in unity for the building of deeper intimacy, trust, and faithfulness that will enable them to finally become mutual in all of their ideas, activities, and attitude.

15) When food is ready, the woman must ensure that the father of the home or the adult man in the home is served first with the best part, before the woman and children get their share.

Truth: Food for children should be a primary concern in any home. We know that babies do not consume the solid foods of adults, but when you have juveniles that are grown enough for solid food, you pay special attention to them. It is true that any good woman (wife) who loves and cares for her husband, will always ensure that the man is well-fed. But, to get into the practice of heaping all the best part of the food on Daddy’s plate, and decorate it with the biggest chunks of meat and fish on his plate or in his soup or gravy, while the wife and children take the minimum and least appreciative portions as a practice, is quite outmoded and un-loving as a custom. Each person in the family is important, and every family member must be well-served with the best meal required for each family member where there is respect, mutual sharing, kindness, love, and good nutrition for all.

16) Sexual intercourse and sexual activities are to primarily satisfy the man, who in turn satisfies the woman with provision of money, material needs, and care.

Truth:

Sex and romance should be very mutual as best as possible for any couple. God exhorts that sexual activities “must never be denied except for special devotional purposes like fasting, and must be by mutual consent” (1 Corinthians 7:5). The Bible clearly emphasizes that sexual activity must be very well enjoyed in a good marriage, with the man being the primary initiator, and leader in the sexual excitement process (Proverbs 5:15-20), although the woman must learn to also initiate sex in the marriage from time to time as well. Mutual affection is emphasized (as basis for the romance and sexual stimulation, leading to satisfying romantic and affectionate sexual processes between the man and his wife).

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). We can see clearly that it is a command from God, and a duty of the man, to rather ensure that his wife properly enjoys romance and sex in the marriage, rather he being the champion and king to win or be served in the sexual activities and processes in the marital relationship.

17) Marriage solves all of your sexual problems, especially problems regarding immorality.

Truth: Let me say outright that marriage never completely solves any real problems with sex or morality. Such issues are deep in our souls (mind, heart, and will), and the roots must be separately, independently, and adequately addressed. If you have real issues with fornication, adultery, masturbation, rape, pornography, sexual lust etc., your answer will not simply be marriage. You need to work on yourself and get inner transformation, in order to be pure and even enjoy your marriage. Yes, we do not deny the fact that even God says that marriage can prevent being overpowered by the temptation to be sexually immoral.

“Because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each women have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2).

There are people with the problem of sexual lust who have married, but have become more adulterous and pornographic, due to deep-seated spirit of lust that was never dealt with before and during the courtship. The situation is worsened by fornication that laid a poor sexual foundation for the marriage; plus unbridled and unbalanced sex life, or poor sexual performance and improper handling of the entire sexual apparatus in the marriage.

18) Women discover their worth and security or prosperity in men, and therefore crave for marriage to a good and prosperous man, and not vice versa.

Truth: Marriage and all good relationships are meant for mutual sharing and complementing of each other, and not for one to define the other. Every human being must seek to develop himself or herself confidently, humbly, wisely, independently, and productively. It is against all conventional wisdom of mankind and every principle of successful living, for anyone to define himself or herself in terms of another person. God, and society, expects each human being to discover himself or herself in God through Jesus Christ who is the Mediator between mankind and God.

Each human being (male or female) enters this world with a planned purpose and a destiny designed by God. If the person discovers his or her talents and gifts, and uses them diligently and profitably along with the worship and fear of God, he or she becomes very useful to society, and glorifies God with his or her existence. Besides, God places His Holy Spirit equally into all men and women who would open their hearts to Him for salvation, without any discrimination.

“For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:26, 28).

It is absolutely wrong, therefore, for any woman to feel inferior to any man, and entertain the idea or belief that she would be a real person and a successful individual only when

You will notice that some of these conceived ideas are totally wrong; but several of them have some aspects of truth embodied in them as well, but have been adulterated with deceptive and outmoded concepts. Some have parts of the real facts left out that would make them completely acceptable. While others are either misinterpreted or turned upside down to give undue advantage to the men.

Please, let us all endeavor to find out the whole truth about the biological nature as well as the mental and spiritual make-up of males and females, and what their real differences and needs are, in order to make all of our male-female relationships meaningful, productive, godly, loving, exciting, enjoyable, and beneficial to everyone.

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Written by Dr. Samuel Kisseadoo, Biology Professor, Ordained Licensed Minister, International Evangelist, Author, Conference Speaker, Bible Teacher, Marriage and Family Counselor, Founder and President of Fruitful Ministries International Inc. (Evangelistic and Teaching Ministry), Virginia, USA. E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com.

Obtain more on the necessities for a good marriage, effective communication in relationships, work and finance in the homes and marriages etc., from Dr. Kisseadoo’s new book: “How To Establish Marriage As A Successful Institution”.

Obtain Dr. Kisseadoo’s books directly from him in Virginia (Tel. & Text 1-917-7410643; E-mail: kisseadoo@msn.com), or in Accra from Challenge Bookstore, or from Baptist Bookstore opposite Anglican High School at Amakom in Kumasi, Ghana; or call Fruitful Ministries Office in Accra on 233-20-8126533. A few books are on Amazon.com.

Tune in to JOY 99.7 FM in Accra (transmitted through LUV 99.5 FM in Kumasi), Ghana, to listen to Dr. Kisseadoo’s weekly broadcast “Hope For Your Family” on Sat. 5:30am-6am, Ghana time (12:30am-1:00am, US Eastern Time in November – March). Access the broadcast on the Internet with MYJOYONLINE.COM.

For free counseling, programs, prayer, messages, books, speaking engagements, call Dr. Kisseadoo in Virginia on 1-757-7289330, (or call Fruitful Ministries on 233-20-8126533 in Accra or 233-275-353802 in Kumasi, Ghana).

Website for resources: www.fruitfulministriesint.com.

In Ghana, call Tigo or Airtel 545 and follow the prompts for daily inspirational messages of Dr. Kisseadoo. Permission granted to freely share but with acknowledgement