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Signs of emotional abuse
"Emotional abuse is domestic abuse, and it's crucial that we all learn the early warning signs and call out controlling and coercive behaviour when we see it. Classic warning signs include:- love bombing (when your new partner is excessively attentive and keen to rush through the early stages of a new relationship)
- extreme jealousy
- misogynistic name-calling
- smashing up property
- blaming you for things you haven't done
- belittling your achievements
- gaslighting
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One day the following week he came home from work and said that I made him want to kill himself. He talked about going to hospital, but didn't because he was working the next day. This already wasn't completely unexpected. Whenever we had an argument he'd begin by being aggressive and abusive, tearing me down piece by piece, then he would turn on the tears. In his eyes, he would always be the victim. I wasn't ready to leave him at that point but I began to be scared of him. It started to affect me physically, and I stopped eating. I told one friend what had happened, but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone else. This man was my fiancé and I didn't want anyone to think badly of him. However, his drinking escalated, and the arguments and the control and the abuse continued. He used everything he'd so carefully found out about my family against me. He said that my brother was a drug addict, my dad abandoned me, and my mum wasn't a good mum. He said things he would later say he never remembered saying. I'd tell myself that all couples argue, it's never going to be perfect. But then not all boyfriends call you a slut and tell you to get out of their house. If I had a friend over, I'd be really nervous about when he was coming home. I didn't know what would happen, I didn't want other people to see his anger, and I didn't want to annoy Thom by having a friend there. It became a daily question: what is he going to do today? What landmines am I going to have to avoid? I had a ball of anxiety in my stomach. If he was trying to isolate me from my friends, he was beginning to have some success. And for some reason, I began to feel I didn't want my family at my wedding. I still don't know how he got me to feel this way. I made my career fit around his, and arranged any work around his schedule so I could go and visit him if he was away. After we got engaged, he told me to quit my side-job, which I enjoyed for its social side, and he said he'd put £2,000 in my bank account. I texted my friend about this, and she told me not to because I needed my independence. I didn't, but then two months later I did - he'd been drip-feeding me reasons and I complied. Looking back that makes me feel so crazy. During one massive argument, I told him I felt like I was in a prison and I'd lost my sense of self. He asked what could be done to rectify that, and I said that I needed to spend time with a friend for a few days. He was so angry. He said, "I can't believe you're going to abandon this relationship." To this day, in Thom's mind, I didn't leave him because he was abusing me, I abandoned him. A few weeks later, I heard from a friend that Thom had sent an abusive email to an ex-girlfriend. I called him and asked him about it. He told me, "I said she was a C-Word because she needed to be told." I asked whether he was going to tell me he'd had contact with her, and he said no because he didn't think I'd find out. I asked if he would apologise and he said he had nothing to apologise for. Seeing him abusing someone else made me realise that what he was doing to me was wrong. That's when I said, "You've lost me. I'm done. I can't do this any more. You need help." I think it was the only time I stood up for myself and truly lashed out at him. I knew I had to leave before he came home, because if I came into contact with him face-to-face, he would convince me to stay. He'd tell me that we could work it out. I don't think he thought I was going to go. From the day we met to the day I left, it wasn't even six months. But luckily I had amazing people around me who could see what was happening and dragged me out of it, even though it wasn't easy. The hardest thing about getting out was trying to decipher what was the real him and what was the fake him - questioning whether this guy I met was just a character he was playing, to draw me in. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I'd been in an abusive relationship. At the end, nothing felt like it was mine any more, not even my thoughts. I've spent a long time thinking about him from the day I met him. All the time, my thoughts drift back to him even now. I hate the fact that he had that hold over me. Many people don't want to believe that someone can behave this way, especially someone they believe they know. Even my brother said to me, "It's normal how he treated you - you just have to put up with that - that's just a relationship." But it needs to be spoken about. I remember Googling "Am I in an abusive relationship?" and reading the bullet points that came up, and saying, "Yeah, that happened to me." But many people assume that abuse can only be physical. A few times during our relationship I wanted to call Women's Aid to speak to them about what was happening to me, but not feeling like I was worthy and it wasn't justified. The abuse wasn't "bad enough" because he didn't hit me. But that's why they brought in the law on controlling or coercive behaviour - because emotional abuse is abuse. In anger and the heat of the moment, I wanted to expose him publicly, for people to know that he is capable of hurting women in such a calculating and purposeful way. It can be so hard to see him celebrated in the media but secretly carry the truth of what he's really like. But I don't feel like I can speak publicly because of who he is; I have my career to think about. If I did, people would associate me with him forever. That's my fault because I was open about our relationship on social media, because I was happy. Ultimately, I feel sad for him, I can't imagine what it must be like inside his head, living his life. But regardless, that is never an excuse to treat anyone the way he treated me, the women before me and I'm sure, women to come. All names have been changed Illustrations by Freya Lowy Clark As told to Natasha LipmanDISCLAIMER: The Views, Comments, Opinions, Contributions and Statements made by Readers and Contributors on this platform do not necessarily represent the views or policy of Multimedia Group Limited.
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