On Tuesday, I didn’t go to work bcos of small fever. Ehern I’ve come to realise that after the long weekend ending on Monday September 23, a lot of people are complaining of one feverish feeling or the other.

The bad news is that out of one thousand patients, no laboratory can diagnose you of having malaria in spite of the glaring symptoms of the sickness. I don’t know what mosquitoes have done to the malaria detection machines o. Looks like it’s the same way ‘kwakwe-last-stop’ is also no longer effective.

My cctv camera captured the rats in my living room last Monday night staring at the ‘kwakwe last stop’ I’d set as trap, they smiled, chuckled and jumped over it. I could hear from their body language telling me to devise another strategy as the old strategy is no longer working. They may probably recommend the use of an app! Everything nowadays is app, app, app…even distant relationships!   

As I was saying, I decided to go to Madina in trotro just to have a feel of trotro again. I sat in front and this guy joined the trotro at Mallam junction. He is someone I know very well but bcos I may be compelled to pay for his fare which I didn’t want to do, I turned my eyes somewhere pretending not to have seen him. Embarrassingly, I was later told he had paid for me when I stretched my hand to pay for me alone. I felt shy o. ha! You see that funny look on your face when someone does a good gesture you have avoided doing to him, ehernnn! Shame onto me. My face just looked like sugar solution poured on kerosene in the sun – indescribable!

Those who sit inside trotro and expect to be given enough leg room, I don’t understand them o. hmmmm! No further comments! They are usually those too-known guys with beard all over their faces. As for me, if I am sitting next to a nice lady, the smaller the leg room, the better it works for me. It feels like eating jollof rice with tuna flakes and small small pieces of meat in it. Everybody on board the trotro would like to eat some. Aish! the thing come my throat la! Trotro is the only means by which you don’t have control over who sits next to you. The worst experience for me is when someone wearing a perfume with pungent smell I am allergic to comes to sit next to me; how for do! I have to manage like that till I reach my destination. As for seat mates with ‘armpit flavour’ who would annoyingly put their arms on the head rest of the next seat? OMG!

My previous commercial vehicle experience was some time in 1997 when I was returning from E-Life supermarket in Adum. Are they still there?  They used to be at Nungua near Korshi Wayyo’s container party headquarters. Ei, where is he mpo? Chack, Massa, we hear of you ts3 oo! Whor go-an? Wosop, mehn? U know what I mean, yeaman’. Hahahaaaa! Is it ‘asare-yabea’ or ‘ayare-sabea’ in reference to ‘hospital’ in Twi? Eish people dey o! hmmm!

Ehern so upon my return from Adum, I had only enough that could carry me back to campus. Then we were 3 in the ‘moving car’, one in front, and me and another at the back awaiting last person. This car sef, it’s supposed to be ‘moving’ o, but it is often at one place. But the moment it actually starts moving, they take the ‘moving car’ signage off. That is the irony of a taxi!

Ehern like I was saying, the moving car had only 3 of us remaining one, in other words, ‘akabanku…I mean nipa banku’. And there came the lady I had been admiring since the days of our matriculation on campus. She was coming to join to fill up the taxi. Alla! At this point, I had to do the ‘needful’ to pave my way into her eyi but I didn’t have enough to pay for her and pay for myself. I think her name was Tishi at the time; I don’t know if she is still using that name.

As she sat next to me and greeted, I became uncomfortable as the taxi driver approached the car to drive off. ‘driver, wait o’. I remembered my mantra: ‘if you don’t use your head, your body would suffer’! I stopped him, gave the driver the money I was supposed to pay for my fare and told it was for the lady at the back and that I had to get down to buy something from Kejetia. I walked back to campus o. It took me close to 3 hours as the distance between Adum and Tek campus is quite long but I walked for the love of a woman and had blisters all over my sole and had to apply hot water the following day. Surprisingly the lady didn’t even remember me when I went to her room later to greet her and reminded her of the fare I paid for her the other day. Ei! Hmmm!

I am approaching mid-life crisis now o. My definition of midlife crisis is when a 46 year old man sends you a message reminding you of his birthday. To do what with? Some people have no idea how I hate to be reminded that my existence on this earth has been reduced by one year. Go ahead and be celebrating and in no time, your employer would send you a letter reminding you of your retirement in two months.

Another annoying thing is that you send a whatsapp message  to someone and the person reads it and refuses to answer. Some of my friends are like that. On a more serious note, it is an insult to one’s own self-respect o. Ironically those are the people who get angry when you miss their calls and refuse to call back. Human beings? Oohh debida! We are just too complicated. Even God is tired of forgiving us but He keeps forgiving us anyway.

Another irritating one is when you call someone and the person apparently does not know the one calling. He calls back and the immediate utterances usually in very rude tones is: ‘who this?’ Oh my brother, how much would it cost you to be just nice. Even if the caller is a fraudulent person, he may change his mind on using tricks on you the moment you sound nice, you didn’t know? Here comes another useless one. You call the person on his 0584 and he does not pick it apparently bcos he doesn’t have your number saved on his phone. In a few minutes, he calls back with a 0580 number and you can perceive the anger on his face at the other side of the line expecting you to talk first. Then he rudely goes like this: ‘yes, you just called my line’ and expects that the strange line with which he is calling you, you should be able to identify him. And then adds: ‘you called my 0584 line’. How on earth would you expect him to know…ah I am confusing myself mpo!   

Who has a slightly used Ghana car for sale? I want to be a mechanic. If you buy a Ghana used car, you become an auto mechanic in three months! The best way to earn a degree in mechanical engineering without going to KNUST for 4 years is to buy one Ghana-used car registered in 2009. Your degree in Mechanical Engineering is almost guaranteed!

Did you know that anytime you exclaim in worry: ‘OMG, why did I put my head into this?’ often you knew it was going to get to that but somehow expect a different outcome at inception? Your waist sweet you, my brother. You can’t add colour blue to yellow and expect ‘magenta’ o; you would get colour green so stop taking some risky risks like ‘eating meat in its raw state’ without ‘cooking it’. You go get the disease if you are not careful o; me I am telling you. So that you don’t start saying regrettably ‘why did I put my head into this?’ Watch your self-discipline.

Today sef, I intend going for my HIV test results but I am scared. I will send Korku to go for it for me. I asked him to send a text that reads: ‘To God be the glory’ if the result is NEGATIVE and that he should text me ‘It is well’ if it turns out otherwise. I trust my young cousin Korku, even if it is NEGATIVE, he would first of all scare the hell out of me by texting: ‘IT IS WELL’. Not only that but he would precede it with ‘Hmmmmm’! That boy er, hmmmm! Not Korku’s type of ‘hmmmm’ o! Hmmmm! Hahaaaa!

Greetings to my selfless, strategic, Godly and disciplined Bossman, Mr Paul Ampadu-Yeboah of the Enterprise Group. He is also the Chairman of the ‘Useless Column Fun Club International’!

To God be the Glory and remember ‘To take good care of your REPUTATION as it is going to live longer than you’! Jah Bless!