Why is the silent treatment so painful?
As social creatures, we depend on the response and feedback of other people we feel emotionally connected to. It is biologically programmed in us to look for cues from others to feel safe and connected in the world. For example, when babies were ignored by their mothers for even a couple of minutes during the landmark “still face experiments" conducted in 1975, the infants quickly became disoriented and visibly distressed. On a visceral level, we are similarly impacted by being ignored even as adults. Between romantic or married partners, the silent treatment is often referred to as stonewalling, which is defined as "a persistent refusal to communicate or to express emotions," and considered one of the most destructive patterns in relationships. The silent treatment creates isolation and destroys connection, so relationships in which one or both partners regularly shut down and stonewall the other don’t tend to last.Silent treatment creates an absence of information and therefore uncertainty on the receiving end. This evokes a sense of unease.
The mind of the person who is being ignored automatically begins trying to fill the void by coming up with possible explanations for the silence. When you're being ignored, it's normal to search for reasons and attempt to interpret the situation so you can regain a sense of control and determine your next steps. Your interpretations, however, are prone to be colored by your own unease, and therefore to focus us on the negative spectrum of possibilities, such as being rejected, disliked, abandoned, or unloved by the person ignoring you. In response to the distress you feel when being ignored, it's common to do any or all of the following things:- You might shut down too to protect yourself from getting hurt
- You may get angry and attack in order to provoke some kind of response from a person who is ignoring you
- You might overcompensate with attempts to cater to and please the other person
Here are three steps to follow when responding to the silent treatment:
- Practice loving-kindness toward yourself.
- Cultivate loving-kindness toward the person who is ignoring you.
- Seek clarification from the other person with genuine curiosity and kindness.
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