Snail slaps goat

So you think it is good to be keeping records of all the things you buy and so you decided to be taking and keeping receipts for the condoms you buy er? Go ahead! ‘Snake no bite you before’! My personal experience was not even about receipts o but the fact that the supermarket from which I bought some other items captured on the electronic receipt ‘featherlight’ which also has other items like milk, zeeghurt, brown bread on it. In the world of logical reasoning, if asked to identify the odd one out of the following, which one would you pick first as odd?: 1) featherlight 2) zeeghurt 3) brown bread 4) milk?

My Madam has M.Phil in Maths and spotted only that small portion of the receipt where the ‘featherlight’ appeared to be the odd one out. In fact as evidenced by the items I bought, she saw the zeeghurt, milk and brown bread ‘but where is the featherlight?’, she interrogated. Oh trust me for my ability to think fast on my feet when confronted with situations like this one. I told her I have just been made an HIV Ambassador hence the need to know the efficiency of the various brands of condoms in town so the analysis of the physical analogy of eyi would be firmly established; she believed me la! Of course, before the confrontation she had warned: ‘don’t tell me this is true’ and so I told her what is ‘not true’ just to satisfy all righteousness, no be so? Hahaaaa! Y3nbr33y3!

Abeg, nobody should deceive you into thinking transparency in COMMUNICATION in this area is key in marriage o. Go ahead and speak the truth as regards how exactly you ‘consumed’ that featherlight; you are on your own! Woman no beat the hell out of you before!

My only relief was in the fact that I heard her later thanking God quietly that ‘after all, the item was not ‘Faustina2’ or ‘Linda’ meaning I am still conscious of protecting myself and my family! She clapped for me on my cheeks oo! Haa!

Today is Friday May 24 and salaries have not been paid yet and people are getting unnecessarily angry for nothing. Come and see drivers at Lapaz; gerrout, you too gerrout’! Don’t mind them; it’s poverty. Next week, they’d be fine.

Ehern…when people enter washrooms and come out to complain that the ‘place’ is smelling so badly’, I wonder what else they expect to smell o. Do they expect the smell of jollof rice, or fried yam and chofi? Ah! Nothing annoys me more than when the place is even nicknamed ‘private’ under a lock, ei! The things that need our security, we turn a blind eye to but have every reason to put toilets under padlock – the paradox!

At least, is it not easier than predicting the next action of a ‘tamed’ lion however well its intentions may be? That notwithstanding, I was highly disappointed in STONE! Ohh nooo! I had the same awful feeling I had some 13 years ago when one of my favourite football greats, Zinedine Zidane head-butted Maserati in the grand finale of World Cup 2006 upon an alleged provocation. Granted that every human tolerance has a limit, I simply couldn’t describe how I felt after this incident for a long time! Unacceptable! Bukom Benku would say ‘once bite, twice shame’! Indeed, it was a big shame to GH showbiz! Haaba!

But that should be a lesson to the organisers. Even an aircraft pilot going to fly an aeroplane is searched by the airport security officials for possible weapons before s/he is allowed to enter the cockpit to fly people to their destinations – basic security practice! It’s unfortunate!

Oh Bra Jet Bra Jet! You too why? Bra Jet Bra Jet! Asamoah Djan’s announcement to quit soccer did not go down well with me especially the ‘pain’ that seemed to have informed his decision. In my opinion, he has done so much for this country unless some of us tend to turn a blind eye to the positives. I still hold him in high esteem for being the only African to have scored 6 goals in the Mundial. Yes, certain things didn’t go well during his career but is there anyone who has ever had 100 percent smoothness without some disappointing moments in his or her career?

He has had some of the worst of bashing from some of us all for our love for the game. He scored some very important goals and is on record as having scored some of the quickest goals in the 2006 world cup against the Czech Republic. Yes, he missed a very crucial penalty kick against Uruguay that broke our hearts. But how many of us have not missed out on meeting our targets before? If all opportunities in the game of soccer should be utilized, I believe we would be having scorelines such as 89-78 in favour of Ghana against Germany in 2014!

I still celebrate him at least for the fact that he has the toughest heart in sportsmanship in Ghana in spite of the many issues he had had to contend with in his career, family life and business pursuits among several others but the truth is that nothing lasts forever and at some point, it is okay to just let go!

Ei! I just heard he has rescinded his decision based on…and for me, NO COMMENT! Wishing you all the best, Bra Jet!

Ehern, is it bcos of the depleting forests that snails have become so expensive? Snail (Gastropoda), the animal that is supposed to be the slowest on earth? Sometimes I don’t understand why snails sold at chopbars are more expensive than goat meat o. Fufuo 5 cedis, goat meat 8 cedis and they tell you snail meat is GHC20! How? Which one is easier to catch? I think snail farming should be one of the things we have to invest in. My siblings and I used to pick snails here in the Achimota forest without chasing them especially after the slightest down pour.

The areas where we had bumper harvests of snails was that area where the current Headquarters of the Forestry Commission is built between Kisseman junction and GIMPA. Snails survive on anything garbage! One thing many people don’t know is that land snails are attracted to human waste and wherever there is some, you would see plenty of them assembling there! Those were the places we mostly picked them from. Snail meat tastes nicer when boiled first, fried and then eaten with crispy gari and some pepper blended with some spiced coconut oil. Awwww!

If you enjoy eating boiled snails in 3bunebunu soup, try it when fried and chicken and goat meat would no longer appeal to your appetite. We didn’t really value snails as we basically saw them as food for the poor since we thought they were easy to harvest compared with catching squirrels, crabs and grass-cutters but since the late 1990s, the delicacy has become more expensive even though I don’t see the work that goes into catching snails or rearing them.

See the irony – why should snail meat (called escargots by the French) be more expensive than all other meat including grass-cutter which runs faster than snails? And we clap for unemployment when the demand for one of the ‘laziest’ easy-to-rear animals is so high? Let’s look at it again o, perhaps it has escaped us! Maybe because snails provide us with low calories source of protein hence the high demand.  

Those in charge of Agric, please report yourselves to the nearest chopbar to seek explanations on this and present a paper to Parliament for deliberations as to how we can make money here o! My only problem is that however well planned, a chunk of the youth may not be interested but would prefer using computer Apps to catch snails in the comfort of their homes. What a generation! Lord God come to our aid! Hmmm! Snail meat costing more than goat meat? How much should a lion’s meat cost then?

Enjoy your weekend with…some fried snail meat and gari, Mr Amankwa Adu Tutu Kumi, my business tycoon friend in Sunyani who celebrated his birthday this week. You would thank God later, Akora!