Humour: My wife beats me

Shhhhhh! Please keep this secret to yourself and don’t let anyone hear this o. It is between only you and I. It’s too embarrassing to be talking about this. I used to hear that some wives beat their husbands but I never believed it till it happened to me. I heard it is so embarrassing that they feel shy to report it to the polis. As for me, I will go to DOVSU on Tuesday p333 and report this since Monday is a holiday. If this has to continue, in no time, I don’t think I can continue. How can my wife beat me every year?

Anyway, I have repented and stopped attending university PTA meetings on behalf of some parents who I don’t even know. Nothing annoys me more than the hstel fees I even pay through mobile money; God forgive me.

Henceforth I will not allow my wife to drive my car again! Last Saturday she complained of her car overheating and so asked to drive mine so I go out in trotro to Tantra to watch a world cup match. I often use that my own car for ‘useless all nights’. I was there when she called that the car had a flat tyre at Lapaz. I was quite sympathetic to her. Initially my mind didn’t go ‘there’ until I remembered what made my heart miss a beat! I had kept ‘some things’ in the car oo, yeeei. What if she sees them? 

Before I could advise her to get someone to help her fix the spare tyre which was in the spare tyre compartment in the booth of the saloon car, wahala appeared! Under that spare tyre were left overs of phiesta, durex feathalite, ‘whet and wild’, ‘barebak’, and a used pack of ‘linda’, among several others including tissue. Each brand had either one or two left overs in different colours! ‘Left overs from what activity? I don’t even know! That was the first time I jumped on to okada. I dropped the call and told her I was on my way to fix that spare tyre, and that she should wait; she should not touch anything. My worst fears were confirmed when she said she has already changed the tyre. Changed what? She managed to remove the spare tyre from the booth and fixed it herself. I asked her whether she saw ‘anything’ when removing the tyre and she said ‘yes’. Asked what she saw, her response was: ‘No Comment but I won’t ask you anything’ but I knew there were ‘somethings’. Chai! That made me more uncomfortable. I had to tell all kinds of infantile lies but still she was not saying anything o. Bisa me ooo, Fatimah!

Indeed when I met her at home, I checked and lo and behold the ‘things’ were still inside the spare tyre compartment intact but slightly moved to a small one corner inside the booth. With my hands on my head, I screamed (inside my head): ‘I kill myself ooo, yeeei!

This morning I forced her to confront me, in fact ask me something so I can use takashi to explain so I can be free. I cannot sleep. She’s still not saying anything. I beg saaa but still. Fatimah, please ask me oo, guilty co go kill me la. Anyway, I know what answer to give. I will say my M.Phil thesis is in collecting condoms from different manufacturers to test their efficacy level and ‘how far’ they can travel even if it’s under two minutes! My fear is that she may ask if I were offering a science course. Yes, my brother, I think I have to be a medical student by force on this occasion. Or I should threaten her that if she doesn’t ask me ‘the relevant question’, I will drink alcohol on Monday the holiday? I know she hates alcohol more than anything else and she will beg me not to drink. The evil I keep doing is creating problems for me o, but how for do! Whenever I resolve to stop, I find myself doing it more so no more resolution o. Hahaaaa!

This was the kind of thing that if I should receive beatings from, I would not mind bcos I deserve it but for my wife’s alma mater, Tamale SHS always beating my Achimota School, I still keep wondering. They often beat us with very tiny margins too la. It is becoming too much la. Anyway even defending Champions, Germany was beaten by Korea in the last 6 minutes of their group match.

Nothing in a football match is as painful as losing in the dying minutes by just a goal. It’s okay if England scores Panama 6-1 but like Great Olimpics, Panama still jubilated more than the English did with their consolation of one goal! To lose a match last minute can be devastating. That was what Tamasco did to Achimota last Monday. After the tie of 45, 45, we needed a decider riddle, more like a penalty shoot-out. Last minute riddle kpam, the guys rang the bell and piam…it is a goalllllllllllllll! Tamale 48, Achimota 45. Ajeish!

Before the National Maths and Science Quiz, my wife and I went into a bet that Achimota would surely beat Tamale SHS by a stretch of not less than 15 points. The bet was that I would give her GHC1,000 if Tamasco won and she would give me GHC500 if Tamasco lost. Anyway, I’ve since managed to give her part payment of GHC650.00. At the RS Amegashie auditorium at the UGBS, when I saw the contestants from Appam applauding the Achimota students for their brilliant answers, I shock sef, as if they were not part of the contest.

You know it’s all about marriage this weekend especially if your salary has been paid already. If not, change your job. All the interesting things that this weekend will bring to you include good luck, money, favour and girls…I mean those of you looking for girl children to born. Me sef, I want to auction some of my girl-children. Too many girls I de born la, why? Weytin I do, God?

I bet you, there is probably no PhD harder than marriage o so why fight over useless things such as being beaten by your wife? I am yet to see any woman arrested by the police for spanking the husband. The law always favours the women; such an unfair world la, but I know the men who often get beaten by their wives are those who get drunk and have no control over their strengths. Stop drinking o, yoo.

So all this while, what kind of beating were you expecting? If my wife’s school Tamale SHS beats my Achimota School in a Science quiz, is that not beating? Don’t bring yourself. After all, the day Achimota School lost to Tamale SHS was the same day almighty Christiano Ronaldo missed out on a penalty kick against Iran and two days after, Germany was kicked out so what’s the big deal. Come on, let me drink my beer! Happy weekend to you all and keep thinking positive about others and your negatives will turn positives too! 

That does not mean that you should be a victim of witchcraft by taking your side eyi to kenipiniski to eat lunch while you pretend you are fasting; then you secretly sneak out to go and eat gari and beans across the road at Afia Sadaland Chodrens park o.  May you be recovered from the clutches of your village witches and wizards who are in collaboration with your work place detractors in Jesus’ name I pray! If you like don’t say Amen!

Ei, so where are the Teranga lions of Senegal, the Hawks of Togo, the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon, the Elephants of Cote D’Ivoire, the Super Eagles of Naija, Atlas Lions of Algeria, Chipolopolo of Zambia, the Squirrels of which country sef? So apart from Ghana Black Stars and Egyptian Pharaohs, we just use the names of mostly wild animals to go and scare the rest of the world and be kicked out at the group stages of the World Cop? Hmmmm.  

Diana Osei Antwi of Ebbony Oil, abeg don’t console me by saying ‘it is well o’, it is not well o! he who feels it knows it. Hahaaahaaaa!