I thought I would catch up with a few viral observations. Not that they’ve gone viral (I should be so lucky), but just thoughts on the ‘rona. This post is strictly for people on this planet. I’m assuming that if you are from another planet you will not know what I am talking about.

We’re under containment at the moment, whatever that means. It was announced on the night of Friday 27, March. I was asleep, and only heard about it when I woke up on Saturday morning. So I watched a recorded version on YouTube. I must admit I was rather unimpressed by two things. The lack of a specific mention of health facilities like clinics, laboratories, and pharmacies. I’m sure we all assumed they would be exceptions, but still.

The second was a lack of specific mention of financial institutions. How am I supposed to get the cash I don’t have if my bank’s ATM is on the blink?? I saw a release from the central bank later on, but I think it should have been in the President’s speech.

So, anyway, I decided to panic a teeny bit, and went a bit gaga that Saturday. I bought credit for electricity (and met an idiot outside the ECG Legon office, but was served wonderfully fast inside), paid a tiny water bill, made sure I had enough fuel (where am I going anyway during containment), and did an extra bit of shopping for….no, I won’t tell you what I bought.

You will tell me TMI. During my shopping, I went into a shop where they were overdoing the social distancing thing. You had to wait outside until a security guard declared the shop empty enough for you to enter. While I was in there I don’t believe there were more than six people…I could almost hear my voice echo.

Speaking of all this social distancing, it’s creating a new lifestyle for all of us, innit?! How come no one has suggested a virus party? You know, just for stupid reasons. As you may have realised, the virus has shown just how deep the stupidity runs in some people. So why not have a party to showcase your efforts towards attracting the virus? No one has suggested it yet? Oh wait!

There’s been a virus party already, in Kentucky, USA! Or maybe a handwashing bash? You know, an event where we gather and try to outdo each other in the fine art of hand washing. Maybe even an event where we wash another person’s hands, and not necessarily under running water either. Winner is the one who does it most seductively. Prize? Probably a trip to a selected testing centre so they can confirm you have the virus….if not the level of your stupidity.

Speaking of running water (and not necessarily stupidity), one of the best GIFs I have seen shows a man washing his hands in a bowl of water. So what, I hear you say? Well, the bowl is being held by another man….and that man is running. Running water, geddit?? Brilliant, innit?! I need to try that at my next hand washing bash.

Still on the subject of washing hands, does the current pandemic and its attendant focus on hand washing mean that we can now worship Lady Macbeth as the primus inter pares of all hand washers? If you don’t know what I am talking about you will upset William Shakespeare. Not to mention Lord Macbeth. Oh wait, isn’t Pontius Pilate a more prominent hand washer than Lady Macbeth??

Someone in my house is dancing to her ring tone. It’s not a song oh; it’s just an ordinary Samsung ring tone….and it’s only Saturday….containment starts on Monday….God help us all. And I’m surrounded by 4 women. Even the 3 dogs are bitches. I swear, if none of you hear from me soon….

I can already see that one aspect of a lockdown that I shall surely enjoy is deciding who to contact. After all, if you are locked up at home, you can’t see everyone everyday, innit?! So you can choose who to dump….maybe even permanently! If you are planning to dump me I shall dump you first!

As you may have heard, all gatherings of more than 25 people have been banned by the government. Personally I think that figure should be lowered. But some people who had made plans have decided to postpone them. I just want all those people to know that if they had intended to invite me in the first place, then I am holding them to those invitations.

Don’t tell me that because of a long postponement my name has mysteriously vanished from the guest list! I just know that all manner of unwanted names are going to mysteriously disappear from guest lists all over Ghana courtesy the ‘rona….and I don’t want to be a statistic. On the other hand, a birthday during the containment? Take a picture of yourself blowing out candles on a home-made cake….with a hairdryer.

Unexpected activities for the days ahead? For example, I have discovered that in my old age I am starting to sprout several brave white hairs in my eyebrows. I don’t know where they are from, I don’t know who sent them, I don’t know what they want. I am getting ready to pluck them. No, wait, I don’t think I am as brave as that.

What can I offer one of the women in the house to execute said plucking for me? I wonder. I guess I need to make it clear that it will not be a daily exercise, otherwise, she might get excited at the prospect of inflicting pain on me every day. Well, she plucked three white hairs, and it hurt. But I survived. And some women do this all the time??

Married men, I need to ask you something. You know how there are certain times in a month when certain aches and pains arrive (not on the man), and sometimes these aches and pains are exaggerated just to deprive the man of marital rights? What would you do if the person who perpetrates these aches and pains decides to willfully extend them for the whole two weeks of containment?? Serious question oh! Because you know some will. But, in fact, two weeks is a bit much….even for certain females who have perfected the art.

I guess at times like that you need to find something else to occupy you. Like the dogs or the children….in that order. And I am very fortunate when it comes being occupied. When I look at the number of books, CDs, and DVDs, available to me, I have no excuse for being bored.

First day of containment: I need to take note of how long the hair on my head is (still not much), the length of my beard (sexy stubble), my body weight (I’m heavy!), and draw up a plan for exercise. (Okay, that last one….suspect.) So why all this, anyway? Well, I need to know how containment is going to affect me physically. I’m not sure how to measure spiritually, mentally, and psychologically. Oh wait. You readers should be able to help me with that. If you notice that RamiTalks is dafter than usual (especially if it’s a gradual decline), please find me and do something!! Anything!!

I heard a life insurance advert on a radio program, in the middle of coverage on the containment. It seemed a bit creepy. Life insurance when discussing the ‘rona?

I think I finished too many things I planned to do during the containment, on the first couple of days. That’s not cool. I need to pace myself. I think I even made one too many foolish phone calls. That should happen towards the end of containment. But I did lose track of time, saying “Good morning” on phone calls long after 12 pm. Speaking of mobile phones, I managed to turn one of them off for a period, while the other was away from me being charged. Just to prove to myself that I could.

I have tried to do most of my social media on my phone before noon, and worked on my laptop after noon. You know, some kind of structure. I wonder if I can sustain that. Oh yeah, and I also finished a brilliant thriller and started another, while reading a book of Ghanaian short stories on the side. 

Still in the first week, what are your food habits like? Are you snacking already?? I’m not….yet. But I am bingeing on Friends. I have the box-set on DVD, and I am done with Series 1. Still brilliant, and funny.

Board games! I discovered we have two boxes of Scrabble. One is complete and the other is missing an R. (Yes, I counted all the tiles myself.) Why? And the Ludo box is empty save for the red pieces. Why?? We also have Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly. It’s going to be interesting. 

Glo connectivity is even worse during containment, as expected. It has really only worked twice, properly during this first week of containment, both times after a light rainfall. Was it the moisture or the cool temperature that made it work? Maybe I should just put my Glo mobile in a bucket of water and use it under water. And there was some lousy dawn preacher on one of the days. I think the two are connected….

I seem to be dreaming more when I sleep under containment. Any suggestions why this is so? And I’m definitely more gassy. And who knew there would be so many big decisions, like what to have for breakfast! But one good thing is that we are having more meals together….by force!

And I thought our borders were closed. One day this week I heard an aircraft…. 

Just to show you what containment can do: I understand some residents in Houston, Texas, have put their Christmas lights back up. They’ve decided that if they are going to be home for at least 2 weeks they might as well celebrate Christmas now….because who knows if they’ll be working through next Christmas to make up for the lockdown. True story.