There are two ways somebody becomes amazing at sex: The first is to carefully learn to be a good partner with somebody they care about, constantly communicating and adjusting techniques, timing, or positions.
The second is to be a narcissist with self-esteem issues.
It’s a magical combination. One’s inherent belief in their ability to reduce you to a puddle of orgasmic goo, combined with their desperate need for your constant approval makes them obsessive, driven, violently passionate lovers. They’ll make you climax again and again, push your boundaries, degrade you, and humiliate themselves all in the name of making you both believe they’re the best sex in the history of humanity.
These are the sorts of people who will tie you to the bed and go down on you until you pass out from orgasming too much. (Yes, that’s a thing.) They’re the sort of people who will wake you up at two in the morning with surprise blow jobs so you go through your day in an exhausted, confused, horny haze.
They’re constantly trying to top themselves, and what you contribute to your sex life makes little difference. You’re just along for the ride. And it’s a spectacular ride.
But whatever you do, do NOT marry the person who introduces you to this kind of sex.
Not because amazing sex isn’t something you should want forever but because this kind of sex — the sex you immediately know is the best you will ever have in your life — doesn’t come in a relationship with somebody emotionally stable. They aren’t romantically mature. And it’s exactly that instability and immaturity that makes them out-of-this-world lays.
I once had a boyfriend who took me to a family wedding two states away. On the way to the wedding and the hotel, we stopped for the night at his parents’ house. It was about 10 PM and the house was dark. He let himself in with his own key, took me to the guest room, and we had some of the most incredible sex I’d ever imagined.
It wasn’t until the morning when his parents introduced themselves to me, that he even thought to mention they were home. I had assumed they’d already gone to the hotel where the wedding was taking place.
Who doesn’t say hello to their parents when they show up on their doorstep for the first time in months? Who doesn’t tell their girlfriend who’s screaming is rattling the windows that their parents are fifteen feet down the hall?
The sort of sociopath who will give you the best sex of your life, that’s who. The sort of jerk who cares more about having sex with you in every single room of every building they go into than potential footage of yourself getting plowed in grainy parking garage security videos.
But the sex is so good, your judgment is too clouded to tell yourself, “Wow, this is a seriously unhealthy situation for the long term.” Pretty much all you can think while it’s happening is, “Damn, I didn’t know I could orgasm until I developed a facial tic.”
These are the sorts of people who make you playlists and then won’t listen to anything but them. The type of people who buy you tickets for shows they want to go to for your birthday. Who surprises you on FaceTime by showing you how they can ejaculate into their own mouths.
Narcissists, with self-esteem issues.
You can have incredible sex with somebody who’s emotionally mature, who’s capable of being a considerate and conscientious partner in life as well as in bed. But that’s sex you build; it’s sex that will never come with the thrill of potential disaster or the risk you will suddenly be disposable or uninteresting without the adrenaline rush of screwing a genuine headcase. And that’s good sex. That can be great sex.
But the best sex? Don’t marry that guy.
That’s somebody who cares way more about their ability to give you the best orgasm of your life than they care that you’re happy. And when you’re looking at the long-term, happiness is better. It lasts longer than an orgasm.
Even the best orgasm you’ve ever had.
- Accra floods twice in four days after another downpour
- Photos: Part of Accra-Tema Beach Road caves in after Monday night rains
- Sir John did not declare his assets
- Be circumspect about Sir John’s will; none of us will live to be stones – Former Aide
- ‘Deem Sir John’s alleged land ownership at Achimota Forest, Ramsar Site void’ – Jinapor directs Lands, Forestry Commissions
- Photos: Floods cause severe damage to parts of Accra
- Lands Commission flood: Your land documents are intact – Deputy Lands Minister assures
- 16-year-old girl stabbed to death in a fight over alleged boyfriend
- Man arrested for trying to cut off taxi driver’s genitals
- Ghanaians are oblivious of dangers of terrorism – Dr. Vladimir Antwi-Danso
Memorial lecture to be held in honour of Kojo Bentsi-Enchill Letsa
South Africans in shock over death of ‘Rhythm City’ actor Jamie Bartlett
Patapaa’s marriage to German wife, Liha Miller, reportedly hits rocks
I want to marry urgently — Actress Eucharia Anunobi
Lands Minister, Forestry Commission must appear before Parliament over Achimota Forest controversy – Alhassan Suhuyini
Francis Amuzu reveals why he would play for Belgium ahead of Ghana
OccupyGhana commends Land Minister but demands commission of inquiry into Achimota Forest lands controversy
Landslide scare hits residents around Weija-Kasoa ridge
Special Prosecutor charges failed Juaben MCE nominee with 26 counts of corruption
Lack of law enforcement to blame for poor planning, land use by local assemblies – Legal Practitioner
Mayor of New York to support Ghana’s tourism drive
Actor Jamie Bartlett dies aged 55
Adwoa Safo expected to appear before Privileges Committee on May 27
‘A trustee is not allowed to own the trust property’ – Martin Kpebu on Sir John’s acquisition of parts of Achimota Forest
Let’s deal with illegitimate financial transactions in Africa – Akufo-Addo